Wife using excuse of not feeling well
My DW routinely uses the excuse that she is not feeling well to avoid leaving the house, following through on plans, or doing anything other than watching television. The “illnesses” are always something like a head cold (which she shows no symptoms of), or similar minor conditions. Obviously she is using the faux illnesses as an excuse to stay in her safe space. When I push her just a little to make plans or do something more active, she gets angry. She clearly is happier just vegging out. Should I just leave it be? It would be easier for me that way but it feels like I am shirking my responsibilities to her.
Comments
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Welcome to the forum. I'd leave her be. Apathy, withdrawal, and loss of executive function are characteristic of the disease. You don't have to be the cruise director for activities on top of everything else you have to supervise. If she's content i wouldn't worry about it, you are not accelerating the disease process by not "stimulating" her.
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That is a good question. My wife only wants to watch TV and not go anywhere, not even to the store with me just to get out of the house. I don't know what is best but I usually don't push her to do more then she wants. She already has the impression we argue a lot even though we don't and I don' want to upset her. It does limit what I can do so I miss out on doing somethings that I would like to do but if she is mad I wouldn't enjoy those things anyway. It may be better to get her out but she is not going to get better so why push it. That is just what I do and will be checking back to see what others with different experiences say.
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She’s not necessarily happier… but she is more secure. Social interactions or strange places raise their anxiety level. It’s just too much for them to handle.
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My dad is in a state where we just provide comfort care. Forcing him to move around and walk and stay awake longer is not really going to make a difference. But if he does do things, that's good but on his terms. Does that make sense?
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Everything the other commenters have said is wise--especially M1's remark about not having to be the "cruise director." I regained some valuable head space when I realized that in regard to my late DH.
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My DH prefers not to leave the house much. He told me recently it’s too difficult for him to follow conversations or pretend everything is ok. He knows he’s confused and can’t remember enough to risk conversation. Part of it is his dignity. I won’t force him to do anything he’s uncomfortable with. It’s now become my time to get out and have a tiny bit of normalcy in my life. Right now your DW feels the need to make the excuse to you. How about telling her you are going to the store or such and such and ask her if she would like to go? And leave it at that.
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Thank you for this. I had been feeling guilty but your comment is reassuring. You are right, being cruise director on top of everything else would probably drive me over the edge……and good to hear that I am not making her condition get worse by just letting her be.
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Very much so. Thanks
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I do that and the answer is almost always no. But I will keep offering it up to her.
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My husband only goes to church, doctor appointments and to our kids homes locally if they have a get together. He watches the news obsessively and says it's not safe out there. I think that's only part of it. He is content at home and doesn't like change of any kind. He won't go to restaurants, stores or social events. No traveling to out of state families homes. I just leave it be. As the old saying goes, it is what it is. My goal for him is just for him to feel at peace in whatever way that is.
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@brooklynborn123 said:
"Should I just leave it be? It would be easier for me that way but it feels like I am shirking my responsibilities to her." and "and good to hear that I am not making her condition get worse by just letting her be."
Perhaps I am projecting here, but I get a sense that perhaps a professional or well-meaning family member has suggested "best practices" be employed. There's not a whole lot in the neurology toolbox-- the few pharmaceutical options don't offer much for the majority of PWD. I've never seen actual studies showing benefits to things like the Mediterranean Diet, regular exercise, socialization or puzzles that outweigh the difficulty of getting an uncooperative PWD to comply. The disease is going to progressed to its terminal endpoint regardless.
Dementia changed my former life-of-the-party who lived on fish/salad and golfed 5 times a week dad into an inert and apathetic being who was fueled by cookies, ice cream and Chardonnay. My aunt was more agreeable with her husband as caregiver but a few years after he died when she needed to go into a MCF we cleaned out her house and found an entire 12' long closet filled top to bottom with cut-out NYT crosswords-- the older ones completed, the middle ones attempted and the newest just grids without the necessary clues. Let's just say I feel like the best practices wouldn't be my hill to die on once dementia has been diagnosed.
Content is a worthy goal in dementia care.
HB
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You are correct—I have received such best practices advice from friends and read about it in news articles. But on this one I am going to trust those living through the experience. Thank you.
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Best practices may be helpful to prevent dementia but I am not aware of anything that truly slows down this train once it starts rolling...
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Ah, yes, don't you just love the folks with advice who have never lived it. Recently, when I mentioned my husband's dementia, someone suggested pineapple and exercise would make him better...
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In the beginning of my journey I was trying everything - I read that MCT oil helped to make them remember so I used it in the hopes that he would wake up one morning and everything would be back to normal. It has been a long road for me for the realization that the medications etc all they do is maybe help slow down the progression. Trying to keep a daily routine seems to be what works best. My DH is still physically able to get around with little to no issues Thank God. Doing at least one thing a day outside the house is what has worked best for me. I also learned not to ask anymore.....I just tell him come on and off we go.
It is ok to just "leave it be" as you said. When she is having a good day maybe suggest just going for a drive to get her out of the house and then go from there. Baby steps...
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I use my own partner as an example--never smoked, never drank, exercised vigorously, ate well, never had a weight problem, low cholesterol, no diabetes, mentally active always--and still got dementia. When we don't know the causes, we can't say anything about prevention, period.
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There came a time when I had to lock all mom's crime dramas, news networks and TWC behind parental controls on the TV dad watched. This kind of programming was a trigger for anxiety and one that was pretty easy to make go away. Dad didn't have the higher order reasoning to process what he was seeing, so it was a kindness to protect him from it.
I would suggest giving it a try if your set-up allows it.
HB
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M1 wrote:
"I use my own partner as an example--never smoked, never drank, exercised vigorously, ate well, never had a weight problem, low cholesterol, no diabetes, mentally active always--and still got dementia. When we don't know the causes, we can't say anything about prevention, period."
I can so relate. My DH was a cardiologist. Never smoked, never drank, underweight pretty much his whole life. Was a dedicated martial artist for 30 years prior to diagnosis (fourth-degree king fu). Stopped eating red meat 45 years ago. Ate mostly fish and vegetables. No family history of dementia. Diagnosed 2.5 years ago, now mid-stage 5. When people send me stories about the benefits of the Mediterranean diet, etc. for dementia (and some of them are his doctor friends) it makes me want to scream.
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The lifestyle habits of Best Practices are recommended to improve functioning and to prolong the early stages. Since no one knows the causes of the dementias, these habits may or may not help. But they are worth a try, IMHO. But most of the PWDs mentioned on these boards are past the early stages.
At the same time, IMO, it is preferable to meet the PWD where he/she is as far as failure-free activities and keep the PWD from becoming a "bump on a log" please excuse this expression but I can't think of another term.
Iris
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Pineapple? Lol
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It never occurred to me that my husband complaining he doesn’t feel well, whenever he was supposed to go somewhere, had to do with his Alzheimer’s.
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I wonder if this is their way, because of loss of executive functioning skills and the ability to express what is happening, to indicate that leaving their known environment (home) causes anxiety. They no longer have the problem solving abilities and judgment, etc, to interpret and manage a more chaotic or varying environment like a grocery store, library, social situation, etc. I’m just guessing here.
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Yes.
Iris
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Absolutely
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