Having a separate life from LO

Anonymousjpl123

Hi everyone - I am so thankful to say there has been no major drama the past few weeks. Now focused on finances (struggling to rent my moms property, need to find new property manager, but that’s all just life).

The biggest struggle now is how to have A life. My mom was always demanding and needy, partly why I kept a safe distance. She wants a visit nearly every day. Makes up emergencies. Says she is lonely and anxious, which I’m sure she is. It’s nearly impossible to focus on my own life without feeling guilty sometimes. Thankfully I have friends to keep me sane. This could be years. Thankfully she doesn’t live with me, but I gotta find some balance.

Has anyone done this?

Quilting brings calm

Is she already on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications? If not, I suggest getting her on some. If she already is, then maybe a change in dosage or a different medication might be in order. We had to try a few different things in my mom’s case. And even though I thought we had her pretty well set, the AL nurse is telling me that she is still anxious there a lot. Of course, this nurse has only known her a few months and doesn’t realize she’s much better anxiety wise than she used to be.

I think that after awhile, we just tend to accept that their anxiety is a fact of life. We sort of just come to terms with it- or maybe that’s my burn out phase talking.

On the subject of having a life once we’ve got them in a safe facility: there are weeks I’m there once, there are weeks I’m there almost every day. Certain months of the year seem to have 7or 8 doctor visits for my parents. Then there’s the ER visits, the grocery runs, etc. I’ve learned to accept that my plans get cancelled frequently.

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm yeah that is what I’m thinking: some weeks will be more intensive, others less so. I hadn’t tried anti anxiety meds yet, but that’s what the MC director suggested tonight. Like you said about your mom, it is hard to know what a good baseline is. Some days she is doing so well, then others are so much harder.

I learned a valuable lesson tonight though: despite her calling with urgent pleas for me to come get her, stay with her, I didn’t. I resisted. Her friend who she still calls was calling me and both of us were worried. I called the unit and they said she was fine, even texted me a picture of her sitting in the common area.

My biggest fear is that me running over there prevents her from knowing she is safe there. So I did something I never do: blocked her calls. You know what? 2 hours later her friend just told me they spoke and she sounded totally different: normal, like she was relaxed, sitting with her friend (they even FaceTimed). So we both learned something. These episodes come and go.

I think it’s not your burn out phase. I think it’s what we must do to live and support our LO and survive.

Emily 123

I have to remind myself that it's the brain volume loss, lack of empathy, and ability to reason makes my mom react like a child when her will's crossed.

Like last night. A child might argued to stay in bed playing on their Ipad with ''l'll do it later'', instead of change their damp briefs for the night, but they can't think things through. We're now at the point where the carrot is that if she changes her briefs, I'll leave.

Same thing with the impetuosity of your mom's calls. A reaction to the needs of the moment and an inability to self-soothe or reason things out. I'm glad that you'll be looking at meds to help her-she can't be comfortable getting spun up so often.

Good job, jpl.

Anonymousjpl123

@Emily 123 thank you! Yes. Complete inability to self soothe, rage and child’s reaction when crossed. I like the carrot idea, and see your point but also realize how hard this is - for you, for her. But it’s also so good to remember that this is also simply where we are.

This disease changes the brain so fundamentally that we can’t know exactly what is going on for them, only that we have to create safety and consistency and wellness and, hopefully, some connection and joy sometimes as well. That is as good as it gets.

I’m trying to let go and it is helping. To realize she is in a new phase and it’s going to get worse, and I can be there for her but can’t save her. It’s tough. I hope the meds can help. And her community (her place is quite nice - residents and staff). Super happy I didn’t go there. Relieved.

Anonymousjpl123

I just booked a 9 day vacation to another country with a close friend. It’s not selfish, it’s not mean. It will allow me to be with my mom, care for her, and not feel like I’ve given up everything.

Financially I’ll have to be frugal to make up for it but who cares. I am so grateful that I have this forum.

I want to be in this for as long as my mom needs me, and that means having some kind of a life.