Newbie Here: I need direction and help. This is new to me

pvsmith77777

I have read all the posts on this forum to date, and I appreciate the input. But my situation has some new elements, and I haven't seen all of them mentioned in one post:

First, my mother is 82 years old, lives by herself on an isolated farm in Arkansas, where she has lived for 60 years. Her nearest neighbor is about a mile away. She still has animals to care for, as well as herself. She has no friends (they have all died) and my father died seven years ago. A very old dog is all that she values in her life. I live 500 miles away and can visit only every three weeks or so, and I take her to buy food, deal with finances, pay bills, maintain the house, and do farm repairs.

When I visit, my mother is very depressed, talks about killing herself, and likes to just sit in a dark room with no TV on or anything. She says she nightly just sits in a dark room and cries all night until she is tired for bed. When I'm not there, she calls every couple of days with strange stories of people breaking into her house at night, stealing things, and keeping her awake all night in fear, or people trying to kidnap her and hold her hostage. My brother, who lives just an hour away had been taking care of her since the death of my father, was actually stealing money from her, and charged her for every errand that he did. I entered the picture last year when my mother was concerned that he would use his POA to take her house and land--and he actually could have. She still has visions of him stealing cans of beans from her pantry and wanting to kill her dog, which I don't think he ever did. It has taken almost a year to straighten out all her finances so no one can transfer money or write checks without my knowledge.

One other note: My mother has had no primary care physician and has seen a heart specialist only once or twice in the last five years. Before my father died, she had never been to see a doctor before--not even once. But I have found a PCP who specializes in aged patients, and have an appointment next month for a full mark-up. She had cataracts on both eyes when I entered the picture, and I helped get those fixed too, and new glasses.

Last month I got a call from my mother's financial planners, and they said that even though my mother had dealt directly with them for 20 years regularly, she had no idea who they were or what they wanted. The planner told me that he said that he would recommend that my mother can no longer handle her financial affairs. So I have stepped up the oversight even more. She burns most of the mail she gets so my brother can't steal the letters, so I don't know what statements she receives or what accounts she actually has. She claims she has hundreds of thousands of dollars that we cannot find any record of. We do have evidence that money is leaving her investment accounts to bank accounts that we cannot track.

She refuses to move closer to me so that my wife and I can take care of her daily. She refuses to permit me to find her a facility that will provide at least some level of care and oversight. She completely resists any discussion that she needs anything. We have tried to find persons who will take her on errands and check in on her, but she says she doesn't trust anybody strange coming around her farm. I am certain that if I push harder, she will be accusing me of trying to take her property and she won't trust me. She doesn't eat right. Doesn't sleep well. Refuses to get involved in any outside activities or even to read a Kindle that I bought for her. By the way, she doesn't trust any of her neighbors, and some days says my brother has moved into the house next door so he can watch her.

My wife and I want to do the right thing and do all that we can for her. We have spent thousands of our money to try to help her get everything in order, since my brother had done practically nothing for years except take somewhere between $500 and $2,000 every month. We are at a loss. And even though there are a lot of wisdom and resources on this website, it is hard to piece them together that can help us know what to do next. I am open to any and all suggestions.

M1

Welcome to the forum. I take it that you have power of attorney now? For both finances and healthcare? If so, you are obligated to make the decisions that she cannot make, and safety needs to drive the decision making. She is not capable of rationally consenting to care, nor is she capable of rationally refusing. You are not going to get her consent, and likely will have to move her against her will. If she is delusional, she should not be staying alone, and needs 24/7 supervision.

If you don't have power of attorney for healthcare, you may have to pursue guardianship, which is a more expensive proposition. A certified elder law attorney should be able to help you sort it out. She may need hospitalization to get her stabilized, and you may have to go through the emergency room. Find out what hospitals in her area have geriatric psychiatry wards, she may need to be admitted there and then placed in memory care from the hospital. I had to go that route, as have many others here.

I wish it were easier.

pvsmith77777

Yes, I have a full power of attorney and can act as long as it does not personally benefit me. Thank you for your comments.

mpang123

When I become POA, how does the bank and other other financial services know I'm POA? How about talking on the phone trying to give and receive medical information?

pvsmith77777

When we had the POA, we had to present the certified document to the bank, along with my mother present. In the medical area, I think the HIPPA forms would be enough. I don't think we could do any medical information over the phone without the signed HIPPA forms.

Jeanne C.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194915#Comment_194915

You need to provide each institution with a copy of the POA. They will note it in the system so they only interact with you.

mpang123

Thank you guys! Very helpful.

fmb

Some financial/investment institutions require their own forms in order to activate a POA. You may find the requirements and necessary forms on their website. If not, call their customer service number. When you mail the required documents to them, remember to get a delivery receipt.

mpang123

Fmb, I will call them and see. My mom is making me POA but I'm still waiting for the paperwork.

Nighttide

Hi, please make sure that her animals are being properly cared for, and that someone is checking in on them and can take them in case of an emergency. I’m sorry you’re having to go through all of this.

AZraine

> @pvsmith77777 said:
> Yes, I have a full power of attorney and can act as long as it does not personally benefit me. Thank you for your comments.

You might consider putting in a change of address with the Post Office to have all her mail sent to you. Then she can't burn statements for "hidden" accounts.
Good Luck!

catminor

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198394#Comment_198394

Yes, it was very helpful to change the mailing address to me when I took over the finances. Also, I made a notebook for Mom's finances; super helpful. There's no way I could have kept track of it all otherwise. It was overwhelming; bills, accounts, portfolio, rental properties. I had to audit the bank accounts just to get started with wrapping my head around it all. In fact, now I need to make a updated notebook. Sigh.

You got this. And I'm telling both you and myself that 🙂.

H1235

You said you have an appointment with a pcp. It might be helpful to ask if she is safe to live alone. Even if you have decided to move her it will give you more confidence that you are making the right decision. There is also a chance she may accept the doctors recommendation to not live alone(maybe a long shot). She might also put the blame of having to move on the doctor. Maybe not good, but might be better than it falling on you.