Time for nursing home

cindyjaf

Hello All. Just joined today. I’m sure this topic has been discussed but any input would be greatly appreciated. My sister and I have been caring for my mom for the past five years. We’re in the same town, and she takes turns going to each of our places. I have a one bedroom apartment where mom sleeps in a porch area of the living room. My sister is selling her house and has said she is done taking care of mom. While I understand how taxing these years have been, I’m having a difficult time putting her in a home. My sister would’ve put her in a home years ago. I am very close with mom and she looks for me all the time. I can’t even go to the bathroom without her following me in. The guilt is eating me up that I am not able to keep her here full-time but it’s not physically or emotionally conducive for her to stay here. Mom is 87 Has vascular dementia, is fully aware who we all are and she is mobile. She is very restless and likes to stay active. Her favorite thing to do is shopping! The issues we have are the short term memory loss. I thought she went into the bathroom one day, but she went out the back door and I found her in the yard. And I was just in the next room! She’s in adult daycare in the morning and I take care of her in the afternoon. I left my FT job 2 years ago to care for her. My husband (who is wonderful with her) and I would like to get a house and a live-in aide for her. I don’t know when this will be. In the meantime I need to put her in a place. This is not something we do in our family. Long line of tradition you keep your parents with you. But I have looked at several and narrowed it down to 2. Thinking of telling her with her Dr that she needs to be here for rehab and this is temporary. Thoughts? I feel terrible and hope she doesn’t think I abandoned her. Although I plan to visit every day. Thank you for reading

housefinch

Re: buying her a house and getting a live in caregiver. I don’t mean to sound harsh. Unless you have $100-200,000/year for a 24/7 live in aide for the remainder of your mom’s life, in addition to buying her a house, that’s financially out of reach for most people. Is that realistic for you? I understand needing to stop caregiving.

cindyjaf

Thank you for your reply. My husband and I want to one day buy a house for ourselves and we would move her in with us. With moms social security, we can afford to keep her with us for about 5 years. Then we’d have no choice but consider a nursing home.

lorettarailing

We had to put my husbands mom in an assisted living place for a year before I retired. We moved her to our house last October and I am her full time caregiver. She needs to be reminded of who we are but she feels safe with us. I couldn't stand her being in a facility even tho it was a lovely place with good staff the personal one on one just wasn't there or possible what with 60+ other residents. We have room in our house. She has her own bedroom and we share a bathroom. I found a place to take her for day care twice a week which gives us a little break and am finding lots of other resources for help and advice. Keep looking for your solution. Do what your heart tells you.

cindyjaf

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195084#Comment_195084

Thank you for sharing. It surprises to hear of other resources. I feel like there is no help out there. (Unless it’s very expensive)

housefinch

You can look at other posts about affording care. Most people recommend seeing a certified elder care attorney to be sure you have everything done correctly to be sure your loved one qualifies for long term care Medicaid, if that’s a possible option, because Medicare doesn’t pay for assisted living, memory care, or in-home dementia nurses aides. At least as far as I understand.