I feel so beat up and confused

LaneyG

How do you deal with ongoing anger and rage coming from your loved one? Is this a symptom that I need to learn to cope with more effectively? When are delusions something to be put up with as opposed to treated because it is part of the disease? We sold our home 2-3 yrs ago. DH misses our former home. He is frequently irate with me because he believes I sold it from under him without telling him. He says he wants to divorce me even though he still loves me because of the greatest deception of all time and he can no longer trust me. I get screamed at once or twice a day for an hour sometimes more before I am able to calm him down. Similar angry outbursts when I prevent him from driving. He hasn’t been violent yet but I fear the day is coming. His geri psych thinks this behavior will subside if I am able keep him busy and engaged. I agree this helps but I am really struggling keeping him detracted and occupied every minute every day. It’s like these thoughts are always there in the back of his mind. Should I be putting more pressure on his doc to adjust his meds? Some days his regimen seems to work pretty well even if he is a little out of it. Other days not so much.

M1

Yes I would be the squeaky wheel as much as you have to. If you fear for your own safety, that is unacceptable. Hospitalize him if you have to.

avieDa921)

Maybe the meds he is on are not right for him. The first medication my DH was on made him worse & gave him incontinence!

harshedbuzz

@LaneyG

My dad showtimed during his appointments with the geri psych. He always tested freakishly well on the MMSE and MoCA and could be verbal and charming so this man had no idea what life was like at home. I got the impression he though I just wanted to drug dad into a stupor so I didn't have to bother with my parents.

Dad was working from the same script your DH apparently has. Dad always had a challenging personality, so much so that when I told his former mechanic (who was caregiver to his dad with dementia) about dad's dementia the man let out a low long whistle and said "Mr. Buzz with dementia? That's got to be something". Mom was deceiving him and having affairs while I was busy stealing money and his car. FTR, he sold his car in a fit of pique to "keep me for getting my paws on it"-- because a banged-up Ford Taurus is evidently my dream car.

What I did, was to kind of goad dad into an irate rant that was representative of what we were seeing-- this one was aimed at me and the theme that I sold his house for $360K less than it was worth and kept the money. $360K was the amount of money he lost day-trading before he forgot to use a computer and he conflated the story to absolve himself. After I presented him with the facts, he went off on me and I hit the record button on my iPhone-- the audio was enough to get dad's meds adjusted. I emailed it to the doctor because he didn't have a patient portal. It didn't take much medication-- just an additional 25mg of Seroquel made it possible for him to respond to validation and redirection which meant he was able to stay with mom until about 2 months before he died.

I want to add that when dad was constantly accusing mom and me of all manner of maleficence, folks here said "it is the disease talking". I struggled to wrap my mind around this. Dad and I never really got along, so these were scripts I'd grown up on. The same folks suggested I apologize which seemed like it might make things worse. I was prepared to, and honestly hoping to, get dad torqued up enough to be admitted to a local geri-psych unit because I feared he'd hurt my mother. So, as an experiment, I apologized. It worked. He was so stunned, he had no vitriol loaded and backed down as if the entire exchange had never happened. It might be worth a try.

HB

terei

If your attempts at de escalation are not working, get a recording of him during these episodes to play for the geri psych. IMO you should not have to be victimized this way in addition to all the other stresses you have with just the ‘normal’ dementia behaviors. Please be firm about your fears and feelings to the dr. Your H should be medicated BEFORE he physically attacks you…not after

LaneyG

Thank you all for your help. I spoke to his doc today. I’m terrified. He thinks he should get a work up. In meantime he suggests increasing his risperidone. I don’t know how I’m ever going to convince him to go to the hospital. And even if I am successful, they may not have a bed or be able to keep him if he refuses to sign himself in.

M1

Laney do you have power of attorney? That will matter. But you should just continue to say over and over that you cannot take him home, that you fear for your own safety. Don't back down on that.

Marta

Did you increase the Risperdal, Laney? (Risperidone).

LaneyG

today was a rough morning. He screamed and cried most of it. I did give him an extra risperidol. That has definitely helped. We are in the ER now. I am his POA. We will see how this goes…thank you all.

M1

Oh god, so glad you are there. Remember: just stick by the truth that you cannot take care of him at home, that you fear for your own safety. Please update as you can. I have been in your shoes and know how hard this is. But it's the right thing, you cannot go on like this.

Joydean

Prayers for you both!!

TerrificWeber

This is so difficult to deal with. So sorry this has to happen to anyone. I think most of us can relate to the anger & yes it does get violent at times and he never remembers any of it. I need to find a way to let go of my own anger. This disease makes the caregiver sick and tired. Try to take care of yourself. It's very hard but very important. Hugs to you and all those going through this pain.

LaneyG

Thank you all. Been here at the ER since 12:30. It’s after 7. Well they finished the medical work up and all is well despite all his other medical issues. ER’s around here are about hurry up and wait and wait…I put pressure on them to pick up on psych piece cuz DH was beginning to get agitated and was ready to walk out. We then found out the behavioral specialist that was supposed to check him out ended her shift and went home. So now we are stuck until another comes in a 11:00pm. DH has been sedated and is sleeping soundly. I spoke to his doc. He put in some section 12 paperwork to keep him here. I will stay to speak to the specialist. He’ll be told more testing needs to be done and will stay overnight. Hopefully in am he will be transferred to a Geri psych unit nearby. This place where we are has psych but no Geri psych and they don’t do much with dementia. You have all been so supportive and helpful. Thank you so much. But please keep the prayers coming. I am still a wreck over what the next day will bring. Am I awful to not want to be around when he is moved?

sandwichone123

No, you are not awful to step away from predictable fireworks. The staff gets paid to deal with this, and at the end of their shift they go home. The things they see and hear from your dh will not haunt them, as they would you. Once you know your dh is in good hands, you go swimming or whatever calm self-care activity you love that you normally don't get to do.

M1

Absolutely step away. If you can go home after speaking to the specialist at 11, do so. You need rest too. If the hospital needs to bring in someone to sit with him they can do that. The geripsych unit can contact you by telephone. remember, the bottom line is that you can't go back to the way things were. Thinking of you.

Nowhere

I agree. Go home. Let go. Give the professionals time to see what you’ve been dealing with and expected to handle on your own. Let them be responsible for him tonight and maybe even tomorrow. His medications need adjusting. You cannot care for him when you’re being bullied and feel threatened or afraid.

wose

I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and praying that you will find some peace and comfort tonight. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and you most certainly deserve a reprieve 💙

Joydean

Laney step back and let the professionals do their job! You are more than likely a basket case and a ball of nerves right now. Just get yourself out of there, go for air and deep breathing! YOU MATTER TOO!! Prayers and hugs for you!!

laurielou56

Laney, I understand completely. My H has anger issues to the point that I changed the PIN on our gun safe because it's amazing the little random bits that he CAN remember! He calls me stupid and says I lie to him all the time. We tried risperidone and he did not respond well. On a low dose he could not sit up well and slurred his speech. We are now trying Seroquel. Praying that your husband gets the help he so desperately needs, and you are able to recharge and deal with whatever comes next. 💕

mommafour

Seroquel made a significant difference in my DH's behavioral/anger/delusion issues. It took a few adjustments within the first few months but he has been calm, content, and compliant for the past year. I remember how stressful each day was before his doctor prescribed medication. I was afraid to come home from work and dreaded what each day would bring. You do definitely deserve some respite time to take care of yourself.

LaneyG

Well after 2.5 days hanging around an overcrowded ER (horrible experience for DH) they found him a bed last evening. I’m so relieved. His symptoms are a mess right now as he had to be sedated once or twice in the ER they have done poorly keeping up with any sort of med regimen. I don’t think he has a clue as to where he is. He is of course extremely upset with me for not being on his side to get him home and get his things back. The limited visiting hours is what will finaly get me a little respite. Saying prayers this place is able to do their job well to help my DH and relieve his pain and mine. Also while all this was happening my husbands psych called home care, asked them to reach out to me, put me on some abuse watch program just in case, and us filing the paperwork to get DH husband taken away. So things are happening. I’m so happy I’ve found you. I never feel alone here. Thank you again.

M1

Well that's some progress, im glad. Get some rest, and then you can think about what you want for next steps .

RickM

So sorry for you. What a horrible experience. I know. I had a similar experience with my dad. After multiple incidents that ended up involving the police we ended up in the ER of a hospital that did not have a psych unit. Fortunately the woman on the Alzheimer’s Help Line provided me with two words for the social worker at the hospital: “Safe Discharge”. Tell them you cannot provide one. They kept him in the hospital with 24/7 observation for 3 days. I found a memory care facility that specializes in dementia patients with behavioral issues. (Fortunately my dad could afford this and my brothers and I had POA). We moved him directly to it. Getting the meds right was a constant struggle over the following 2 years but he was comfortable for most part, got amazing care, and I was able to resolve some issues between us that had lingered over the years. Not what he wanted. Not what I wanted. Hope I don’t end up with the same fate.

Can’t imagine how difficult this would be with a spouse. (fortunately my spouse who lives with dementia miraculously continues to be a sweetheart) My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Rick

LaneyG

How many hospitalization have you had to deal with before the meds worked out?

It m so scared. When I saw him yesterday he seemed like someone different. He was calmer but no clarity, periods of lucidity, that were present. Though he still knew who I was … I think…I feel like I’ve lost him. I have to remind myself it’s just been a day. How often does it happen that after a hospitalization that behavioral issues are better, but a little “less of them” come home? I miss him so much. There is a part of me that regrets bringing him to the ER. I feel like I did this to him. I know he was reaching a point where something needed to be done but…. In addition this hospital does not impress me. I know it has only been 2 days. I haven’t been able to cry since our journey started. Well the floodgates have finally opened.

M1

Laney hopefully it will just take this one hospitalization. I am glad you can let the tears flow and try to process the emotions. But try not to second-guess yourself, it did indeed need to be done, you were living in fear, and the status quo was not sustainable.

Let us know how things are going when you can.