Their reality

remarquis

I understand that the “reality” of the dementia patient shouldn’t be questioned. For example, if they ask where their spouse is (passed away) you can just tell them s/he is out shopping, or something. But this reality my sister is experiencing is too shocking and mean spirited to go along with. She said her stepdaughter held a gun to her head and said she would blow my sister’s brains out. I know for a fact that it didn’t happen, and I don’t want to go along with this, at all. I’m thinking of telling her she dreamed it and that her stepdaughter would never do such a thing.

Id like your suggestions as to how to respond to this.

thank you so much!

mommyandme (m&m)

Glad you came here yet sorry for what you’re going through! I imagine others will come by soon but here’s my two cents.

Im thinking that your sister must have been quite frightened by that delusion. Maybe validating her fear emotion to start. “Wow that must have been really scary”, possibly while looking her in the eye and holding her hand. Because even if it was a dream it would be scary, right? Maybe things like, “I’ll tell stepdaughter to never do that again”. “I’ll make sure there are no guns brought near you”. “I love you and I’ve got your back!” Then distract distract distract. Lots of smiles and calm. None of those things really go along with it. If we’re talking dreams then you can tell her stepdaughter in the dream realm, yes? I’m a big believer in validating their feelings to start.

Maybe meds might help with delusions too. This is all very hard and I’m really sorry.

M1

Welcome. M&m has it exactly right. Validate the emotion, but ask about medications to tamp down the delusions-the atypical antipsychotics Seroquel and Risperdal are effective and generally well tolerated. Most of the delusions that occur in dementia are unpleasant and negative and are disruptive for the dementia sufferer as well as those around them. No matter how much you want to defend her stepdaughter, just don't try to correct her and tell her it wasn't real, that will only distress her. Family members are almost always the bad guys in these delusions. Many of us spouses get accused of infidelity for example.

mpang123

My dad woke up from a nap and told my mom that Donald Trump committed suicide. Mom told him he must have been dreaming. But he was adamant that it was true. Then my dad called me and asked about it and I said he is alive and well. In fact he is still campaigning. Well, he couldn't be convinced. I told mom just let him believe it and go along with it. He won't believe it for too long. This is one of the few delusions he had but nothing to worry about.

remarquis

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195332#Comment_195332

Thank you for your response. She is grouchy about her stepdaughter (sd) as she seems to be jealous of all females, so I’m thinking she fabricated this delusion to keep her from visiting. She has alienated nearly all women from her life. I live far from her so she’s still okay with me, but I have been the brunt of it before. That’s why I didn’t really want to go along with this story about her sd as she is the only person visiting. My nephew lives with my sister to care for her. We had hoped to hire a pt caregiver, but she won’t allow anyone in her house. This is so trying.

remarquis

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195345#Comment_195345

Thank you, if you see my response to m&m, you’ll see my trepidation. She’s hiding her meds from her son who fills her med packs. She just got a new medication earlier this week but he has no idea if she’s taking it, so adding yet another might be out of the question. She’s really not nice, but I know you all can relate to that.

M1

There are liquid forms of the meds that can be put in drinks or food, your nephew should talk about that with her docs.

Sometimes in these situations the PWD will respond more neutrally to non-family caregivers than to family. Not always though. My partner is in MC and will let no one but me help her shower or change clothes. Very problematic.

Anonymousjpl123

@remarquis i agree with others re: medication.

If she’s not taking it as directed, it may be time to look at a higher level of care. I know this is all so distressing, especially if our LO doesn’t have a large network of support (unfortunately quite common due to larger shifts in society and longer life spans).

Even before my mom got bad, paranoia of the first signs of her dementia. Granted she was prone to that before but with dementia it got So. Much. Worse. Her fantasies did not involve guns but lots of theft, and ulterior motives. It was all directed at my sister in law, who was previously closer to her than anyone else, and has now been alienated out of the picture. I tried to share that she (my SIL) loved her, but to no avail. There is no longer animosity between them, but they no longer speak. It’s horrible.

As I am the sole caretaker involved, and work full time, I had to look for placement. It was awful but it has meant that her meds are managed, she is safe, and she has care beyond family. You and/or the family power of attorney may have to make decisions for her soon.

remarquis

Thank you, sorry about your SIL and the estrangement. This disease is so cruel.

im happy for you that you were able to place your mother, and I realize how difficult that must have been for you. You all benefit from it though. I’m certain when the time comes for us to place her in a care facility, it’ll be WWIII because she is so mean and stubborn, but it will also free my nephew from the constant stress of taking care of her.

sigh, another day, another headache.