HELP... Not sure where to turn.

agroux

I am hoping that someone on this group can point us to some help that is not a sales pitch, google has not been our friend.
My MIL fell 4 months ago and broke her hip, she is 89. We live 2 hours away and have been living with her most of each week ever since. While she was in rehab we found little notes all over the house, food in the back of the freeze and cabinets that is years expired and kitchen items and other stuff in strange places throughout the house. Before this we visited about every 2 weeks on Sunday for dinner but never stayed and looked around.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and at her doctors appointment he evaluated her mental acuity and stated she scored a 19/35 on the test and told her she had Dementia and that he would schedule other tests. As he walked out of the room he talked to me and I asked him about driving (yes she has a car but we have been doing all the driving) and he said "absolutely not". I told her this but she is adamant she can because the doctor did not tell her, and in the next breath she does not remember the appointment at all.
My BIL has told her she can drive as long as she promises to not drive anywhere other than church and the grocery store (problem #1). My wife has arranged for meals on wheels 5 days a week and a care giver to come in one day a week. My MIL is now very upset that a stranger is coming into the house and also says she is fine and her son agrees (those are her words).
My wife is beside herself and she needs help dealing with this and I feel like I need to do something for her but what???? I have tried to get involved with her family but they listen then do their own thing. I am at the point where I want to tell her to walk away but I know that is not right but I don't know where else we can turn.

eaglemom

Welcome to the message boards, but I'm sorry that you are here. You've given an excellent description of what seems to happen in many families. The daughter 'sees' this issues and wants to address them and the son 'thinks they are nothing.' And you see your wife upset and want to fix/help her. First off, thank you for being involved, and wanting to be involved.

Does the BIL live in the same town? Is that why he thinks she can drive to church & the store. Your MIL can promise many things and she'll equally forget each and every one of them. So her promise to only drive two places is meaningless. Between those two places I would assume there are stop signs/lights. What if she doesn't know to stop? Or forgets which store she's going to and just keeps driving and becomes lost? Or the biggest fear, what if she hurts someone or hurts herself in an accident? BIL doesn't want to be involved so he said she was fine to drive, shame on him. Have BIL check with insurance if MIL would have an accident. Whomever she hurt could sue and take everything, yes everything including the house. A way around for you now is to mention to MIL a "recall on her car. Your going to take it to the dealer for her until they can get the part." Yes, your telling a lie - you also are protecting her & everyone else on the road. Hide her car & hopefully after some time she'll forget about it. (By hide I mean put it where she won't see it. Or if you can park it at the repair place and explain what you are doing. That way IF she'd call them they can say "waiting on parts.")

Does MIL have her paperwork in order? Medical POA, financial POA, etc? That should be the next step. I don't want you overwhelmed. We're here to support you on this ugly journey. As questions / vent whatever you need.

eagle

agroux

Thank you for this. I am going to call her insurance company today and find out, the thought of her loosing everything might just be the motivation to move him. We are working on the Financial POA, unfortunately my BIL is the medical POA even though he sends all the medical questions to us. Unfortunately (I am using that word too often lately) we don't live in a state that has much as far as support groups near by, but can anyone suggest some good online support groups? I think that would help my wife immensely, i am too close to this to be that level of support for her other than a shoulder.

JeriLynn66

You’ve come to a great place for support. You and your wife will find much help and direction here

eaglemom

If you could get your wife to come and post here that would be some support. Have you contacted your local ALZ Chapter? Many have on line group support groups. The good thing about on line, the group can be located anywhere.

eagle

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome to this forum. This a great support group and I couldn’t have survived caring for my mom at home without it.

One of my first thoughts about her driving is the doctor said “no”. Does anyone have access to the appointment notes? If he documented that she should no longer drive, even without saying it directly, and she has an accident and is at fault (or not) with property damage or injury, that could have severe financial consequences for her and her POA, maybe? Now I’m not a lawyer or doctor or insurance agent and not much of a writer with my run-on sentences, but just a thought.

Im very sorry your wife and her family are on this journey too. There’re a lot of wise and supportive folks here.