Anger at myself but directed to DH

JC5

I so still see that DH is physically able and yes mentally as well to help out with simple chores. He is 4 years into VD diagnosis and I’m so confused as to what he is cabable of doing to be active and involved in daily chores etc. and what he just doesn’t want to do. He has always been a non helper all our married life and it was like pulling teeth to have him even take the garbage out . But now he complains there is nothing to do and when I ask him to do something he says ok, I just have to sit for a bit. And we all know nothing gets done! Is this dementia , just not wanting to help? It kills me to see him sit there wasting away ! I end up losing my temper. ! What do u do? Suggestions ? Tks

jfkoc

JCS...so much of this is a guessing game.

I was married to a Navy Strike pilot who was then an aviation attorney. He was also Peter Pan. He was not a self starter nor would he ever think to take out the garbage.

Your husband truly means that there is nothing to do.

So I would let him do pretty much nothing. Yeah, it is part of the illness..

Any way, can you do some things together? Take walks,,,grab a bite to eat...exercise...watch a movie...go to the library? How about looking at what classes are offered at a local senior center.

The very bottom line is that getting angry, arguing or reasoning is a no win. Your life now exists within the 4 corners of his.

Please do not be angry with yourself. This is a rough go and anger sometimes wins.

Do all you can to read about the illness, hone up on your workarounds and come here often. We do know what your days are like and we care about both you and your husband.

-Judith

wose

Hey JC5, I too was and still are at times where you are now. I found it infuriating that my DH would just sit and watch tv all day and then say “I’m bored”. He’s always saying how there’s nothing to do as I’m busting my butt doing a gazillion things. I found now tho when I ask him to do something it is a disaster. Better and faster if I just do it. Sorry I’m still yelling at him , but not as much as I begin to accept. I find myself catching myself and saying I have to pee to get away. It’s so hard for me to bite my tongue when the insults come. Anger and guilt are so destructive so I’m either redirecting or leaving the room. I do still think at times he’s bamboozling me but who knows and it doesn’t even matter anyway. Something’s clearly wrong, so I also turn to music a lot and try not to feel guilty about leaving him by himself in another room. It’s just so sucky 💙

ElaineD

Hi JC5, my husband is slowly declining with VD. My sons started noticing that 'Dad is losing it' 8 years ago! He does help, and always has, in fact I'm now physically disabled and he does a lot for my care and also does the shopping, laundry, dishes. We live in a retirement community so there's housekeeping weekly, no meals to prepare, no yard work.

He still drives (thank God for the GPS), and his Duke Neurologist sees no need for him to stop yet!

When someone is bored it is their responsibility to find activity. But I understand that you have to live with his moods. I don't know how long your DH's attention span is or what he expects from you. My DH watches TV most of the time, the same shows over and over at time. Fortunately he has wireless earphones and I can't hear the TV.

Get someone to talk to (I see a psychotherapist every week) because anger is a very hard on you and having a neutral person to talk with can be very good for you.

elained

RickM

I had the opposite problem. My wife was a "worker bee". She kept cooking and cleaning but, unfortunately, she struggled. It got to the point where I just started taking over most of the household chores. She would sit around and read but she would be reading the same book for weeks on end. She used to love watching Mariner Baseball on TV until she got to the point that she had no idea what inning they were in or what the score was. We'd still go for daily walks and she'd even continue to walk to the senior center on her own for exercise class until I got concerned that she would get lost on her walk. I'd get mad if she screwed up washing the clothes or some recipe, but mostly I was just sad. Sad, because it wasn't her fault. She was doing the best she could which was a far cry from what her best used to be.

I had to learn to accept the new reality, she was no longer who she was and she wasn't coming back. Fortunately, once diagnosed, her primary care doc recommended that we get out there and enjoy the time we have left. We tried to keep doing that until we couldn't.

Enjoying time with her now consists of holding her hand listening to music in her room at memory care near our home.

It does suck. Try not to feel any guilt. It's out of your control and not your fault.

P.S. I still have a hard time accepting the new reality.

aconite

DH is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and also has significant issues with balance caused by a myriad of other conditions. Sometimes he's lost track of the simple task he was doing right in the middle of it. Another time when I asked him to do something simple he said, "are you just giving me busy work?" And when I was injured this fall and had limited mobility, I needed him to help me in the kitchen. He was willing for a short time but he couldn't remember why I needed the help. And yet he seems bored but doesn't usually complain..

Because he always shared in doing household chores without complaint, I don't think unwillingness is the issue. Sometimes I think it's because he's afraid he will fall. Other times it's a symptom of this *** disease. And when I really feel overwhelmed with too much to do, I lose my patience and am frustrated but I'm working on it. It's all I can do.

Lgb35

DH is in the early stages and is still working. He is 60. He has never been great helping around the house. He washes the laundry but not good at how to take care of it. He constantly walks around the house on the hunt for trash. Anything beyond that he asks soooooo many questions. What is this? Where does it go? Ugh just leave it alone! It’s just easier to do stuff myself. I have bought a bunch of crosswords, word searches and puzzles. He hasn’t touched any of them but then again he spends all of his time working or talking about work so little room for other things

Marta

Assume your husband can do nothing, and you will not be disappointed. Conversely, if he somehow manages to do something helpful, you’ll be delighted.

I know it sucks..

Denise1847

While my husband is sometimes willing to help out, it is mostly a disaster when he does. He will try to load the dishwasher causing it to jam, open it when it is still running and put dishes away in strange places. I now put a large sign on the dishwasher to not open it. He has forgotten the difference between the washing machine and the dryer as he was opening the washer in the middle of the cycle. I could go on. He still folds the laundry and stacks it in piles. For me, I would rather do it myself because the damage control is tiring. He only likes to sit and watch tv and sleeps. I tried puzzles, painting, cards etc. with no luck.

Denise1847

bdlk

My DH was always the chef at home, and he was an amazing cook. Now, he sometimes can’t figure out the steps involved in putting leftovers on a plate and heating them in the microwave. Breaks my heart. He always offers to help me prepare dinner. He’s so slow, though, even with something like peeling a carrot and a cucumber for a salad, that I get frustrated and would rather just do it. That my problem, I know. He can sometimes load the dishwasher, but as someone else said, can’t start it or unpack it without putting so many things in strange places (plates in the pantry with the canned goods). After I get home from a full day of work, he’s hungry and I need to get a nutritious dinner in front of him by 6:30 PM at the latest. Can’t happen at his pace. Maybe when I retire, I can take 90 mins. to prepare a dinner together, working at his pace, and still eat by 6 PM. I suppose time will tell. Such a horrid, mean condition. 😖

CindyBum

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67890/anger-at-myself-but-directed-to-dh

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67890/anger-at-myself-but-directed-to-dh

I definitely see not wanting to help as part of my DWs dementia. She was a super co-dependent helper and then all of a sudden she sat around and let me do everything. It was early stages before I really knew the path she is on so I was infuriated. D’oh! Now I see how overwhelmed her brain was by the very idea of trying to jump in and help. She’s now further along and asking to help again. I give her toddler tasks that don’t impact what I’m trying to do. Ie. Can you please sweep in that corner over there?

If your husband never helped, it’s hard to imagine he’ll start now.

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195723#Comment_195723

I've (almost) always done the cooking. DW has been happy to do cleanup, but lately her cognitive confusion is growing. She rinses dishes, then most of the time she puts them in the dishwasher, but other times she puts them in the dish rack, then dries them by hand because the dishwasher is otherwise empty. She's not sure where to put stuff when she empties the dishwasher, so sometimes things end up in odd places. Same goes for pots, pans, and cooking utensils. She has to ask where knives go (in the knife block!), where the cutting board goes (next to the other cutting board that's leaning against the knife block). She sometimes gets confused about the difference between hand soap and dish detergent and uses the hand soap to wash dishes.

If she wants to reheat something, I tell her to use the microwave. She looks around the kitchen, unsure what/where that is. If I tell her to put something away in the drawer next to the stove, she doesn't recognize the stove. She's obviously having trouble associating names with objects.

DW still does the laundry. A lot. Our utility bills have gone up because of water heating and electric drying. We used to do laundry once a week. Now it's nearly every day. I've said previously that DW is bored, and I think she does laundry because it's something she can do. However, sometimes she confuses the washer and the dryer, puts the dirty clothes in the dryer and runs it.

It's a tough self-control battle, wanting to let the PWD do as much as possible, yet irritated by the questions and mistakes. I know it's not her fault, and I also know I could do things more efficiently.

Denise1847

My DH doesn't know where the microwave is either and wouldn't know how to use it. He hasn't been able to use a regular phone for at least 4 years. I know he wants to help and I try to be patient but boy do I get tired from doing double work. It is truly like having a toddler who doesn't listen to you.

l7pla1w2

Here's another. My DW owns an iPhone, but it sits on her desk or in a drawer while the battery runs down. She will ask whether she has a cellphone. When I say yes, she holds up the cordless phone on her desk and asks, "Is this it?" She'll ask whether I have a cellphone. When I show her mine, she will ask why I have one and what I use it for. I tell her I use it so she can reach me when I'm out of the house.

Oh, and email. DW was an early adopter in her university department in the '90's, but now she says she has never used email and that no one sends her any anyway. She looks at her account so infrequently (or her computer at all, for that matter), that I've finally begun monitoring her account for anything important. That's just as well, because she had trouble exercising judgment about what messages were important and which she could ignore.

JC5

Thank you all! I never realized how many are “ in the same boat”! As sad as it is , it is comforting to know that we are sharing many of the same struggles and we are not alone. One day at a time!

S. Lynch

Wow! These are all the things I needed to hear. My DH (66) was never much on household chores. I ask him to unload the dishwasher (Have to play hide and seek with items later), and take out the trash. He loves to break down boxes. I gave up many request because I just kept doing them myself, or redoing them. He watches TV, YouTube on end, and I wake him up to go to the neighbors for morning coffee hour most days. When he is bored he wants to go to town (90m) for small items. I get frustrated and sometimes angry at how life has brought us to this pattern in our days. And then remember the disease. He didn’t choose it, nor would anyone want this happening to them. My son thinks he is taking advantage of me….DH always a bit self absorbed and not able to connect to the situation of others. So now even less so. My daughter visits when she can and gets him to do things he would never do for me. I don’t have the energy to figure out what he can do…..I always present options, encouragement, but really feel like my life is not my own. At the end of the day I am mentally and sometimes physically exhausted. I am 61 and have been disabled for 5 years.

Ladylawyer46

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195862#Comment_195862

Speaking to your frustration with your DH unloading dishwasher and putting things in strange places…Unloading the dishwasher was always my DH’s “job” as he called it. But as his Alzheimer’s advanced I, too, was finding things in strange places (or not finding them at all). Fortuitously this summer we redid the kitchen and got new cabinets which resulted in my rethinking where to put things. Rather than tell him where things went (when he asked) I suggested he just place them on the counter and I would put them away. Problem solved. He is still able to do his “ job” and I don’t get crazy and cranky. Granted rearranging dishes, etc after the cabinet install facilitated this solution, but you might consider rearranging your dishes, etc ..just as a refresh/purging should he ask why. Just a thought.

Belle

To answer the OP's question...my DH also was not very helpful but could manage to get things done years ago if I pushed the issue. Right before he got his dx I was so angry and frustrated with him. We had just retired and all he did was sit in front of the computer all day watching videos and playing games. It made me feel taken advantage of because everything fell on me to complete and I would let him know it. Then one day it just all clicked into place in my head and I stopped getting mad. Not sure if it was acceptance or just giving up on any hope that he can move past his apathy and get anything done. Currently I have to be careful not to mention anything that needs to be worked on or fixed. He wants to buy items he will never use to do those projects. Luckily (?) he's got so much apathy he doesn't self start any project even if we have the supplies/tools in the house.

JDancer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195600#Comment_195600

I'm shocked your neurologist is OK with driving. Please read some of the many posts related to PWD driving and the many risks involved.

I wonder if an injured person (or their survivors) could include the neurologist in lawsuits after an accident.

I know I'm being judgemental, and I've never met your LO, but 8 years past a diagnosis, driving doesn't seem safe.

I've lost loved ones to impaired drivers, so I have strong opinions on this subject.

BPS

My wife drove for several years after diagnoses but then had 2 small accidents. I didn't know how this disease affected eye sight. Her depth perception was affected and her field of vision is smaller and probably was to some extent when she was driving. She used to do all the cooking and most the cleaning while I was at work but now she doesn't do anything except watch TV. That bothered me for a while because I was still working and then would come home and needed to make dinner and clean up but now most of the time I am OK with it because I retired and it is easier then trying to get her to do things. I am OK with doing the stuff, even though our house is not as clean as it used to be. I have a lot more problems with the emotional and mental drain. That is where this forum helps.

Gig Harbor

My husband did most of our yard work except for weeding. His participation started to drop off and he made excuses not to help. One day I specifically asked him to rake up some leaves. He looked at me and asked why he was now being asked to work in the yard and had I fired the gardener. He had absolutely no recollection of ever having done yard work. I knew he was forgetting things but that was a total shock.

brooklynborn123

Something a little similar. I still work and then come home and do everything that needs doing here, including dinner, clean up, handle the chores. My job is high pressure but I love it, My DW is home all day, watching lots of tv. I get bored with TV and by around 9:30 I am ready for bed because…well…I am no spring chicken either. She is disappointed and when I say I am sorry, I am tired, she says “you are always tired.” Well duh, no kidding. Having a hard time with it tonite. I don’t want her to feel lonely but geez, the lack of empathy is so hard……

wose

I too struggle with the non empathy thing, @brooklynborn123 it’s so hard to come to terms with the total lack of emotion. It just feels so personal even tho we know it’s not. In the beginning, whenever that was, I remember saying over and over why don’t you like me anymore? Heartbreaking 💔

JC5

So appreciated your comments and suggestions. This is a difficult journey we don’t want to take! I see changes in my DH and I’m not sure what stage he is in. Lately we can have a conversation and seriously an hour later he has no recollection of what we spoke about! It’s scary and disheartening ! Just where is he in this god forsaken journey?