Very lost, overwhelmed……… just a mixed bag of feeling

NBrown321

Hello everyone.

This is my very first time ever posting on anything on any platform, but I’m certainly not above, asking for insight/advice for someone like me who is new to this. My mother is a 62-year-old woman who has officially been diagnosed with dementia two months ago. What we have learned is, my mother is actually displaying behaviors and showing a progression of what doctors described as someone in their 80s with this disease. Doctors are in shock of how rapid this is impacting her.

The hardest part for me is that I live almost 2 hours from my mother. I am the youngest of three and her only daughter, so there’s pressure that since I am the girl I should be in the forefront of her care. My oldest brother is nonchalant and not helpful at all with the care of my mother. He’s taking the approach of it’s too hard for him, and he does not want to see our mother like this. My middle brother and my aunt, who is my mother‘s youngest sister, have done a phenomenal job with caring for my mother.

Needless to say, there are many feelings that run through me. When I lived in my hometown, my mother actually lived with me. I relocated after getting a better job and declining mental health issues within myself. Now I am faced with many emotions, such as guilt for leaving, anger towards my oldest brother for not helping when he only lives 15 minutes away from my mother, and I live close to two hours away, sad that this amazingly, strong mother of mine is becoming someone who is becoming lost within herself and I can’t do anything about it, overwhelmed because there’s so much information to try to take in, frustrated at doctors and the endless obstacles, and so much more.

And now faced with the decision of rather to move back home to spend as many precious moments with my mother, or to continue to support and love from afar, in order to maintain some of my own mental health since living in my hometown was destroying me mentally.

I guess I just needed to get all of that off of my chest and I appreciate all of you and the stories that accompany you. I wish you all peace and love throughout your own journeys with this. Thank you for listening (or rather reading) my post.

Nikki

Jeanne C.

Hi Nikki - welcome. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I'm in a different situation (my husband, 65, is my loved one with dementia), but can appreciate how overwhelming this must be for you. I'm sorry your brother isn't engaging in her care, but am glad your mom has your other brother and your aunt. It must be hard because you're not geographically close. You need to remember to take care of yourself, too.

Perhaps setting up a regular schedule where you stay for a day or two with your mom would help you get that important time with her and also provide regular respite for your brother and aunt. Caregiver burnout is real. I cannot express how grateful I am when someone even offers time to help. Definitely talk to them about how you can all work together.

I'm not sure that the long distance board gets a ton of traffic. You may want to post in the caregiver general topics or caring for a parent areas. More people will be able to see and respond to your posts (I only saw this one because I use the "browse all discussions" view). The people on this forum have so much knowledge and have truly been a lifeline for me.

Take care - Jeanne

towhee

Welcome Nikki. I am sorry this is moving so fast for you. Jeanne gave you very good advice. Try not to be too bitter toward your brother, trying to force someone to do what they feel they can't rarely works out well. There are other ways he can help besides personal care. I like the idea of giving your aunt and brother respite, you have to take care of yourself as well.

NBrown321

Thank you both so much for your kindness and willingness to share some insight for me. I truly appreciated.