SO MUCH FIGHTING!

NUMber2

We toured a lovely MC facility today. My mom cried about the room but quickly befriended all of the lovely ladies there and was very happy.

We're going to see if taking donepezil again helps her manage in her current living situation and if not she is moving to MC.

All my husband and I do is fight because he's sick of it all. All of the responsibilities to a mother that isn't even his.

He says I'm in denial. I'm not in denial, I'm taking it one step at a time. Not putting the cart before the horse and all. I do that for her and for me. I want to look in the mirror and be able to say that I did everything for her that I could. Putting her in MC is a form of love and care I understand that but doing it too soon or doing it without compassion isn't love.

My husband, my brother make choices about my mother without putting in the same sweat and tears that I do. So once they do that, then they can shove her wherever they want whenever they see fit. Until then it has to go slow, I have to exhaust every possibility. I'm not in denial, I just approach it differently. Why can't they handle that?

SusanB-dil

All of this is so freaking hard. In so many ways!

It is hard enough without everybody just at least attempting to cooperate. Would a counselor help? Is there a preacher or someone you and DH could speak with? Even if just to get things back on a more 'even keel' so to speak.

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195773#Comment_195773

I doubt my husband would ever go to see a counselor. The best I could do AND should do is fine another Alzheimer’s Association group. He attended one of those when my mom first "moved" here. He found it invaluable. Maybe that would help. Does your LO suffer from this disease as well?

Quilting brings calm

I think our spouses aren’t as emotionally involved as we daughters are. They are sometimes more objective about our LOs’ condition. Then there is also the fact that they see what caregiving is doing to us physically, emotionally, mentally and even financially. They can’t fix it and they don’t like that. They are just as resentful as us that siblings aren’t helping. In addition, they feel that the marriage is suffering from it all. My spouse often feels neglected and feels like I’m not available for him. Even a simple dinner out can be cancelled at any moment. We plan trips and don’t always get to go - or come back early - and my parents are in an AL.

Marriages do sometimes end over caregiving responsibilities.

NUMber2

I get it...I really do!!! We need to join a group. I think that will save us!!

And then we need to give my brother some kind of talking to.

Thank you for your thoughts and support!!!

SusanB-dil

Hi NUMber2 - yes, MIL and mom both have 'this'. MIL has Vasc and alz, and mom has alz. If you are involved in this forum in any way, probably 100% chance that is the case, of dealing with at least one of the dementias.

DH and I care for MIL. Brother has POA with our mom (who thinks I am her sister), and although not close, fortunately, we do get along and are in agreement with her care. I see a lot in the forum that is simply not the case with siblings and other family members. For MIL, DH is POA, and we definitely have our hands full. We did have to 'no trespass' another family member and her daughter from ever seeing MIL again after we found out they had been taking advantage of her.

concerned_sister

Hi Number2, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. We often are reminded with a PWD, "You can't reason with someone who has a broken reasoner." That entered my mind when I read your sentence about needing to give your brother a talking to. I know with my own brothers, with some situations we just see the world differently. As we start on this journey, I've made clear to the youngest sibling, up front, we need to agree that my decision making will always take priority over his. (For that matter we could have decided the opposite.) I made it clear that we knew in many ways we see the world differently and were unlikely to persude one another. So with your own sibiling...is it better to just save your energy?

H1235

I understand you wanting to keep your mom as independent as possible for as long as possible, but in my opinion safety trumps independence. Is there a doctor you could ask about the level of care they think she needs. Maybe call an Alzheimer’s hot line. What about using this site. Tell us the symptoms diagnosis and things you are dealing with and ask the people here that have been through it what they think. If you get a resounding it’s too early for memory care show your husband and brother the results of your post, if not maybe start considering mc. You have two people telling you it’s time for mc. Get other opinions, maybe they are right. I think it’s time for my lo to go to Al. That does not mean I’m just trying to shove her away. Her current living situation is not good for her and I want what is best for her. You need to consider that your brother and husband probably want what is best for your mom too. They just have a different opinion than you on what that is. Would you mom(pre dementia) really want you to put your marriage and your relationship with your brother on the line just so she can have her independence for a little bit longer? I don’t know the whole family story and things can be complicated. I hope this gives you another perspective to consider. Good luck.

CaliforniaGirl-1

If this is any comfort, like most people we moved mountains to avoid MC. We really resisted. However my LO, who was not safe in her home and then struggling in AL (too large, too many choices, didn't want to do activities, didn't shower etc...), thrived in MC. She has made friends. When she got there the footprint was much more manageable and she knew where her apartment was, ate more and got more attention. Of course her disease has evolved but she is safe, not scared and in a familiar environment with people who care about her.

For us, MC turned out to be the right solution. My LO is treated like an independent resident of community with her own tastes, likes and dislikes and preferences. But she is safe and getting the care she needs.

We had to let go of what our dream was for her old age and accept that a lot of the options we wanted her to have were more about that than what she could really use. We are constantly asking ourselves, "Is this what is best for my LO or is this about us and guilt and what we wish the situation was?"

My LO's physician, who's practice is 100% elderly people says it is important to remember that there are 2 people in the caregiving/care receiving relationship and no good can come of ignoring the needs of one for the other (in either direction)

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203479#Comment_203479

You are absolutely right!!! 7 months later and I'm starting to understand.

❤️

M1

Number2 have been following your threads. I suspect she does need MC, and I frankly think that if that’s the case, moving her back to South Carolina probably won’t accomplish much and may make your life much more difficult. Proximity of former friends is not going to matter much and will matter less over time. From what you’ve said regarding your brother, it doesn’t sound promising that he will step up. I wish you could at least give her a trial in MC near you before you undertake another interstate move.

Smilescountry

I appreciate that you are trying to do everything that you can for your mother. But let me chime in that it is probably time for memory care, for many reasons. I went through this with my sisters over a year ago regarding both my parents. I was the one who lived closest and saw them every day. When my sisters would talk with our parents, our parents would often be able to put on a good face for a few minutes and hide what was going on. We worked together as best we could, but one sister was like you, wanting to keep them in their home as long as possible. I understood her point of view, but knew that it was time to begin looking. We put Mom and Dad in an assisted living facility that was full of dementia patients. It is a smaller, family-focused facility that has two registered nurses on staff as well as other medical personnel. I got a lot of flack at the time, and my sister felt strongly that it wasn't time. However, more than a year later, she tells me repeatedly that I made the right decision in finding them a place where they could receive more help.

psg712

Similar experience to Smilescountry, although my sister went along with my plans to move mom to AL, I knew she was uncomfortable about it and BIL strongly felt that we shouldn't put any family member in a facility. Now they both see mom's dementia progression and have thanked me for doing the legwork to get her there...and now to MC. You have probably seen many comments on this forum that often we make the move to MC when it is long overdue, because the decision is so difficult. If you think she MIGHT need MC, she probably does.

Every family has different situations and perspectives, but the one constant is progression. Dementia will get worse, and most caregivers will need significant help to meet their needs, whether at home or in a facility. No one is "shoving" the PWD into a facility. We are pursuing the care that they need while still tending to our other relationships. I know it's hard, and it hurts.

Smilescountry

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203825#Comment_203825

True. Before my parents went to their AL facility (which is actually very similar to MC in their case), I talked to a doctor who is a close friend. He told me that most people wait too long and that if the family is concerned then things are probably much worse than we realize. Mom and Dad were covering for each other. He highly recommended that everyone in the family work together and try to be on the same page so that parents did not put one person against the other. We were able to do that, at least in front of our parents, and it worked out well. In fact, my father thought that it was his idea that he and Mom were moving to a new home!

NUMber2

I think you're all absolutely correct. NOW it's a matter of finding a place that has availability. Most places here in WI are a 2-8 month wait. (We put off getting her on a list and now we are so sorry!)

She is fixated on the sun and the warmth... everything WI does not have much of. We are looking at this trip as a "vacation" to see friends and family. If her soul feels at peace there, we're looking at both AL & MC. Maybe my brother will step up once he sees how bad she's become. If not, wish this foolish gal, that's me, luck on finding a good MC here in WI. as quickly as possible.

psg712

You are not foolish. You're doing the best that you can with a hard situation. Blessings to you.

anotherday2

I waited too long before having my mum put in a MC unit as I thought that her care was something I and the family should do. She attacked my wife three times in a week and we simply could not go on any more.

There is never a good time to have a loved one put in MC but in waiting too long I feel that my relationship with my Mum was ruined, and it has taken a massive toll upon my family and most especially my marriage.

I wish you every love and support