Any advice re: stage 8?

Elshack

My DH passed away Nov 24th so today it has been 2 months. On paper you would think this would be a 100 % blessing as he was 93 1/2 and was diagnosed 7 yrs ago. He had been in MC for 15 months which was in the next bldg to my independent living apartment. He was on pureed food due to swallowing problems and said very little.

10 days prior to his death, 2 of my nieces flew in from NYC and visited him. I took photos and he looks great in the photo. One of my nieces took a photo of him and me. I had it framed and I had to put it away because I cry every time I look at it.

I wonder if any other stage 8 members are on here and if they can relate. A support group led by a hospice social worker meets right in the bldg where I live but I have not gone to the monthly meetings as of yet. I used to visit my DH almost everyday. I know everyone handles grief differently and I am hoping and praying with time I won't cry a bit everyday.

M1

I'm glad to hear from you Elshack. There are definitely other stage 8 folks here and I'm sure they will respond. I bet you'll eventually be very glad you have that photo from your niece.

harshedbuzz

@Elshack

It's nice to hear from you.

I am not a spouse, so my experience in stage 8 is different.

My mom was all over the place in her grief and was told that it's all normal. She's almost six years into a Stage 8 and only now leaning into the happier memories of their time together which is nice.

I'm watching my best friend process the loss of her dear husband in September-- she mostly swings from hyperactivity in home remodeling/volunteering to periods when she can't face talking to anyone. Tears pop up at utterly random times. I get calls about funny things that happened or she saw that she would have normally shared with him when she got home. And then she realizes he's not there and sobs while she relates some ridiculous event in her life over the phone. Sometimes her grief bubbles up as anger-- she's been livid at her daughter for all manner of things. Yesterday it was because my dear goddaughter wasn't interested in the 12 place settings and serving pieces of formal China she got as wedding presents when she married the child's dad 40 years ago. I understand "the youngs" don't want our dishes, but she's taking out of proportion.

I'm glad you have the photograph. My niece took a video on her phone of dad and mom at a family party at his MCF 2 months before he died. It was a "mock wedding reception" and a DJ was playing "their song" and dad sang along with the mic with his arm around mom. My niece converted it to a still and had a framed copy made. It's interesting, as dad moved into stage 7 his body and facial features changed. You almost couldn't tell if he was a man or a woman and yet this picture shows him looking as if it was taken 15 years ago. It's the only picture we have of him smiling in the last 10 years of his life.

HB

Beachfan

Dear Elshack,

You are very newly widowed, regardless of age, cause of death, length of caregiving, etc., and need time to find your way. My DH passed just over 10 months ago and although I miss him with all my heart, I am grateful for the years I had to ease into stage 8. He was completely oblivious to his people and his surroundings for a long time before he died and so his leave taking was more of a physical void than an emotional loss. That is not to say I love and miss him any less; it’s just that losing him was “easier” without a personal and reciprocal goodbye. I am just recently remembering him when he was whole and we were a living, breathing couple. The long goodbye was so long.

I was also fortunate to have family in close proximity; a grandkid always needed a ride somewhere, a sporting or school event to attend, a chaperone for a kids’ overnight. I had little private time to dwell on my loss. I still have moments of profound sadness; at times I can feel an actual physical ache, and tears can well up unexpectedly. You are wise to recognize that, yes, everyone handles grief differently. I, too, hope and pray that in time you won’t cry a bit everyday. (PS. Take out the beloved picture and put it by your bedside. Give your DH a goodnight kiss; you’ll feel better soon, I promise).

My bedside buddy.

Jeff86

My DW also passed away on November 24th. Even though she had been admitted to hospice care three months earlier, I was nevertheless not expecting her to die at that point; somehow, it was still a shock.

Given that ‘the long goodbye’ is entirely appropriate for AD, I have been surprised at how sharp the pain is from the final goodbye. She was long gone, having not known I was her husband for several years. But even as progressed as she was, I could still hold her hand, sing to her, and tell her she was beautiful as I looked into her eyes. There is this exquisite line from Edna St Vincent Millay: “More beautiful was light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.” (Full poem is here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/52773/dirge-without-music )

My emotions are right on the surface and tears are never far away. I know I loved my DW dearly and yet, given the many losses along the way on the AD journey I did not know it would hurt this much at journey’s end.

One of my DW’s aides gave me a framed photograph of my DW from late in the journey. I had to put it away, because it so saddened me to see her so frail and diminished. Instead, I’ve positioned a photograph from our wedding in a prominent place in the living room. That’s how I want to remember my DW. But, truthfully, I’m not there yet; I haven’t been able to get past these last hard, sad years. I know, it’s only been two months.

Afraid I don’t have any wise counsel. For me, I think grief is something I have to live with and trust that, over time, it will merely accompany me and not smother me.

M1

This is so helpful to read: thank you. Right now, not being there, i feel so much like death will be a release and a relief. Sobering reminders from you guys to be careful what I wish for.

jfkoc

Stage eight here for quite a long time.

I still feel alone at night and still say goodnight to my husband.

Grief has a life of its' own. You are not going to control it but the pain will lesson and you will learn to have it walk by your side instead of smack in the middle of your heart. It will bounce back every once in a while and jolt you but it does not linger long.

Being busy is good. the mind only thinks about one thing at a time. I suggest you find something to do that is new to you with people who were not a part of your life before. I found that to be a life preserver. New people see you with new eyes and do not ask you "how are you doing".

You will find a different you.....it takes as long as it takes.

-Judith

Ed1937

Elshack and Jeff, I'm sorry it's so darn hard. When my wife passed, I was happy for her. It has been 19 months today, and I am finally to the point where I can talk about her without severe pain. Now I remember the things we enjoyed together, the laughs we had, our successes and our failures, and all the wonderful meals she made, especially for special times like holidays or just family get togethers. I can promise you both that you will get there, even though it may seem impossible now. Yes I miss her terribly. She was my reason for living. One day at a time.

Buggsroo

Elshack,

My husband died on November 28 and it has been a journey. I am doing all his paperwork and dealing with banks and whatnot. I have a picture of him at my bedside and I chat to him before I go to bed.

I find I go along and things move along, then I think about him and my eyes tear up. I just received a sympathy card from a family friend, I tested up. Let yourself cry, it releases the emotions. It is when I realize he is gone that the pain is really intense, my heart lurches, I realize he isn’t on earth anymore and I really feel it.

There are things I can’t look at wilthout crying. So I have put them away for now. Give yourself time, grief rarely travels in a straight line. I find also if someone is kind to me, I tear up as well.

Time heals, my friends and family as well as my cats help me keep going. I wish you peace and comfort.

PookieBlue

Grief is love with no place to go. With time the love should spread out in many new directions and the pain of it slowly diminish. Many of us are living with anticipatory grief, not knowing how we will react to that final grief. That is the path we are all on. When my mom passed away 36 years ago, my dad said she will always be just a thought away, which is faster than the speed of light. My dad passed away five months after my mom. Both were in their early 60s. They are still just a thought away. They left behind 11 children.

Lills

My DH died 20 months ago. Not a minute goes by without thinking of him--but I can say that the fond memories of him are more frequent than the memories of the long illness he endured. I still become very teary-eyed when talking about him but I no longer sob when just saying his name out loud. Time helps.

The other day, I felt his presence. I was wrapping a fragile box for mailing and was adding much more tape than needed. My DH was extremely analytical and he would have told me where I should place the 'one' piece of tape. Boy, I missed what would have been a light-hearted discussion!

He will always be a part of me. I believe others when they say you are forever changed.

Elshack

Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive comments.