Overwhelmed….Just a bag of emotions

NBrown321

Hello everyone.

This is my very first time ever posting on anything on any platform, but I’m certainly not above, asking for insight/advice for someone like me who is new to this. My mother is a 62-year-old woman who has officially been diagnosed with dementia two months ago. What we have learned is, my mother is actually displaying behaviors and showing a progression of what doctors described as someone in their 80s with this disease. Doctors are in shock of how rapid this is impacting her.

The hardest part for me is that I live almost 2 hours from my mother. I am the youngest of three and her only daughter, so there’s pressure that since I am the girl I should be in the forefront of her care. My oldest brother is nonchalant and not helpful at all with the care of my mother. He’s taking the approach of it’s too hard for him, and he does not want to see our mother like this. My middle brother and my aunt, who is my mother‘s youngest sister, have done a phenomenal job with caring for my mother.

Needless to say, there are many feelings that run through me. When I lived in my hometown, my mother actually lived with me. I relocated after getting a better job and declining mental health issues within myself. Now I am faced with many emotions, such as guilt for leaving, anger towards my oldest brother for not helping when he only lives 15 minutes away from my mother, and I live close to two hours away, sad that this amazingly, strong mother of mine is becoming someone who is becoming lost within herself and I can’t do anything about it, overwhelmed because there’s so much information to try to take in, frustrated at doctors and the endless obstacles, and so much more.

And now faced with the decision of rather to move back home to spend as many precious moments with my mother, or to continue to support and love from afar, in order to maintain some of my own mental health since living in my hometown was destroying me mentally.

I guess I just needed to get all of that off of my chest and I appreciate all of you and the stories that accompany you. I wish you all peace and love throughout your own journeys with this. Thank you for listening (or rather reading) my post.

Nikki

kait1230

Hi Nikki,

I feel like I could have written some of this. I’m the only girl of 3 and the youngest too. My oldest brother has been out of the picture for over 10 years now. My middle brother he’s an hour away from my mom and he only calls her. He got mad at her for making me POA and thank God she did because he will get mad at her and stop talking to her. I don’t speak to either brothers. My middle brother I spoke to when I first started seeing changes with my mom about 2 years ago. Then he got mad at me about something silly and stopped talking to me again and my mom right when she first moved into assisted living.

I understand the stress you feel being the only daughter and only one that will take care of her how you would want to be taken care of. I have 4 daughters 7,6,2,1. So my hands are full and I always feel guilty I’m not doing enough for my mom at the same time. She started in an assisted living 1.5 yrs ago. Then last year she got Covid December 2022 and had a huge cognitive decline and had to move to the memory center at her assisted living. She was doing really well and in the late spring of 2023 she was able to move back to assisted living with some extra help. But I. November 2023 she fell and fractured her shoulder and was in the hospital for a week for low potassium. After leaving the hospital she had another cognitive decline they call it medical delerium. I just recently moved her to a memory center an hour from me. Still an hour from my middle brother. But my oldest brother visited her once while she was at the other place and it was 15 minutes from him. My middle brother visited 3 maybe 4 times and I was there every other week or once a month depending on the time of year with school and what not.

I know what you are feeling. Like you should sacrifice yourself for your mother’s happiness. She dedicated her life to you. All I can say is that you deserve a life of your own and if moving back to your hometown is detrimental to you then do not do it. When your mom is no longer suffering from this terrible disease it’ll be back to you and you need to think of yourself. You can always make weekend trips to visit her and drive the 2 hours really 4 if you go back and forth in one day. If you’re close to your brother maybe you can stay there when you travel to visit her and help out. All of my family and support system keep telling me I need to focus on my kids and family first. We’re doing the best for our moms and we need to acknowledge all that we do. I feel like I’m never thinking I do enough and it’s not true. I don’t know where she would be if it wasn’t for me stepping up and putting myself through all the stress of taking her to appointments, moving her out of her apartment, getting her apartment ready to be sold, researching and finding assisted living and memory care facilities all while I was 7-8 months pregnant with 3 other kids.

I just want you to know you’re not alone. You’re doing enough. Don’t sacrifice your life and your mental health. You deserve a good life. You can do both and not lose yourself in being there for your mom.

SusanB-dil

Hi NBrown321 and kait1230 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

All of 'this' is hard, and there are many feelings to sort through. NBrown - Please remember that you didn't do anything wrong in getting on with your own life. Nobody has the foresight to see 'this' coming, especially when it is early-onset. Your older brother may be expressing what many feel, that they just really cannot handle it. Hopefully, he will be able to step up in other ways, but a lot of folks just can't handle the day-to-day caregiving. And no doubt it is hard for you, and him, to see mom in such a state. It sounds like mom is in good hands with other brother and aunt, and that it would cause you more harm than good in moving back. You can still be supportive and caring from where you are. And if moving back would cause you more stress, that probably wouldn't be helpful in the long-run - for you nor them.