How do I know I’m not the problem?

LaneyG

Am I being tough enough through this journey. Visited DH in the hospital. He is constantly irate with me for deserting him. The entire duration of our visit is focused on bringing him home. then he starts asking why he is there. At home he was doing a lot of ranting and raving related to delusions. He’d become verbally abusive if I didnt agree to go along and do something that would get both of us in trouble. Then he’d get upset with himself and verbally threaten to hurt himself and others but doesn’t act on that . With his pleas to come home I start to second guess myself and question if hospitalization is necessary or is it that I’m a wimp and not adept enough at diffusing the difficult situations.

Denise1847

Dear LaneyG,

It is not your fault. It is the disease that is causing his behavior, not you. OMG, I would not be able to cope with my DH being verbally abusive to me. This disease causes both the patient and caregiver to suffer greatly. You must do everything you can to lessen the pain it is causing you. I would ask the doctor to prescribe meds to calm down his anger and rants. I certainly wouldn't be bringing him home. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

CindyBum

You know you’re not the problem because your DH has dementia. Period

M1

Laney, I understand the feelings completely. I have asked myself a million times if I couldn't have done something differently. But our internist, who is also a good friend, was adamant with me that I had done all I could at home and that it was time to move her to MC. Do not beat yourself up. This disease distorts everything--and in any other situation, you wouldn't be saying this. He is not rational, and you deserve to live safely without being afraid. You need others to help care for him at this point, and there is no shame in that.

mrahope

What they said...I often wonder if there are better ways of handling the rage and abuse that sometimes is heaped upon my head, but I never in a million years think I could have prevented it. All I can do is continue to survive it until it's over or I cannot do it anymore. It's such a different case completely when you're dealing with someone who CANNOT learn from their mistakes/bad behavior anymore. You cannot teach him or give him examples because he doesn't have the capacity to benefit from them anymore.

harshedbuzz

The hospitalization is obviously necessary based on what you've shared previously.

It is not your fault, but entirely possible that you are a visual trigger that is driving his unhappiness at not being home. He may settle more easily if you didn't visit for now. Many geripsych hospitals and units restrict family visitation for this reason.

It might be better for him if you get updates from his team instead. There was someone in my IRL group whose visits with his wife had to be limited to him observing her through a window during activities for a time until she got used to her MCF and care team.

HB

Ed1937

When M1 replied, that reply was from someone who actually has walked that path. If anyone understands what you're going through, it's him. Read his reply again.

LaneyG

Thank you all!