Update and question

White Crane

DH went directly from the hospital to MC on Tuesday. A friend drove me there on Wednesday so I could take him some clothes and also to start the paperwork needed for his admittance. I hadn't planned on visiting him as I wanted to give him a few days to get settled in. To my surprise, the administrator said he was settling in just fine and encouraged me to see him. When my friend and I entered the unit, he saw us and broke into a big smile and waved to us! The speech therapist was visiting with him and he was smiling and happy to see me. We had a good visit with him asking the same questions over and over but he seemed content and didn't ask to go home. He kept saying that we were married and that he thought I was the only wife he had ever had. He also talked to anyone who happened by. He has always been a people person and enjoys being around people. We visited for about forty minutes until the aids came and got him for lunch. It took two of them to lift him from his chair but once on his feet he was able to walk while they made sure he didn't fall. He hugged me and told me he loved me and then turned and went with them. That's when my friend and I slipped out. I was/am amazed at how he seems to be adapting! I called yesterday and the nurse told me he had been trying to help all day and also telling her how to do things. That made me laugh even though she sounded exasperated. She said the activities director would be back today and maybe he could help her. That also made me laugh. He was bored at home and always looking for ways to help.

Our daughter is here from Boston for a few days and we will be taking the rest of his clothes to him today. I am so glad she is here with me. The last couple of days have been terribly hard. After 56 years of marriage I am suddenly alone in this great big house and feeling very lonely. Crying comes at odd times and I didn't know there were that many tears left to shed. I miss him terribly. I didn't know it would hurt this much when he went to MC. I look at his empty chair and remember him sitting there and the tears start coming. Nights are the worst. I am going to have to figure out how to live without him here and figure out how to live by myself. It hurts.

The administrator gave me a pile of papers to read and forms to fill out. Our daughter helped me fill out as much as I could yesterday. I still can't write very well following my surgery. Some forms we left blank until I can ask about what they mean. She also gave me a list of things I need to gather if I want to apply for Medicaid for him. After looking at the list I am wondering if that is the best thing to do. Should I private pay until our money is gone or go ahead and apply? I think I could private pay for about two and a half years before exhausting all of our funds. Then what? What have some of you done when faced with this? Thank you for all your help and support.

Brenda

mrahope

I wish I had answers for you, but I do feel understanding for your "all alone in this great big house" blues. I am contemplating MC for my DH and wonder whether I would feel the same if he went. You are so fortunate your DH seems to be adjusting well. Time to care for yourself as you recover from your surgery. At least your mind can rest easy in the knowledge that he is safe and well.

M1

Brenda I am so glad it's been an easy transition so far. Two years in, and our house still echoes around me--it takes time, time and more time.

My thought would be that you could go ahead and get him qualified for Medicaid--perhaps without having to activate it? From what you've written, if I had to guess, I would think he won't last another 2.5 years--but of course the minute one says that, all bets are off. Perhaps time to talk to an attorney again to be clear.

I started a journal when I took my partner to MC, and it has helped somewhat. Part farm record, part dementia record.

I'll be interested to hear how it goes my friend.

Joe C.

Brenda, I’m glad to hear your husband is adjusting well to the transition to MC. I found that placement was much more difficult for me than DW and I can certainly relate to the feelings of being lonely in the big house. As for Medicaid, do you have a CELA that can advise you? Rules are different from state to state so I wouldn’t venture to offer any advice on Medicaid.

Beachfan

Brenda,

I’m with Joe C.; placement was much harder on me than on DH. He was oblivious to persons, places or things by the time placement occurred. I was fortunate to have 2 of my 3 grown kids and their families within walking distance, so although I was often alone in the house, I was never lonely. I even traveled across country for a short visit with my son and family while DH was safe and loved in MC. I hope you will both settle in well if this is to be your new normal.

DH’s MCF did not accept Medicaid, so planning was not an issue here. I was able to private pay, using his pension and social security for the 17 months he resided there. I think about you often and wish you the best. It’s a hard, hard journey.

I like M1’s suggestion to keep a journal. DH was first diagnosed in 2010 and passed in 2023. I have trouble remembering what happened when. The months and years all jumble together.

Quilting brings calm

I would apply. Each state has their own community spouse rules. That’s the rules that say what assets and income you get to keep so that you can have money to live on. He might qualify sooner than you think without you spending all the money that you also need for you. In my parents case, they don’t really have assets to worry about ( sold their house sone time ago). Just savings - and it’s already under the community spouse cap.

I did learn something new a few weeks ago. My step-father was drafted and served in peacetime. I didn’t think he qualified for aid and attendance. A VFW member is helping vets at Dad’s AL and said Dad should apply for service connected disability benefits. Dad is 84 and as far as I know his physical conditions aren’t service reheated. The VFW member said the rules have changed. He did the application for him ( I was indisposed due to surgery). Obviously there will need to be physicals and research done with his service records etc. VFW guy said that even if he gets a 10% rating, there would be some help given of some sort even if it wasn’t a monthly check. If there is a monthly check, mom coujd get it after his death. This is all second hand knowledge to me - so don’t take it as gospel.

Ed1937

Brenda, please check with a CELA. You don't want to spend more than necessary to keep him in MC. We started the process of Medicaid early with the guidance of a CELA. I was surprised that she would qualify, but the attorney had done this many times, and told me there would be no problem. Unfortunately she passed away on the day he was sending the papers in to qualify. He was able to stop mailing before it was picked up. He only charged me slightly more than 1/2 the quoted price, when he could have easily charged the full amount. It will be worth checking with the CELA to make sure you're not spending money unnecessarily.

I'm so sorry it's so hard. I don't think people can understand what it's like unless they've been there. I hope you heal swiftly from the surgery, and I'm glad your daughter is/was available for you.

Rocky2

Brenda,

It's good to hear that your DH is adapting well, even thriving, in his new place. I also have, and continue to, feel very alone in an empty house. It has gotten just a bit easier as time has passed. I believe that, in a way, the loneliness only confirms the love between DW and me. I do find some comfort in recalling all of the special times we have enjoyed over our many years together. I find it important to count my blessings even through grief and occasional tears. I pray for peace for both you and your DH as you walk forward down this path.

Tom

JeriLynn66

So good to hear your DH is adjusting well. Prayers that you find a peaceful place in your heart and home ❤️

Jgirl57

Good to know your daughter is with you for now even if only a few days. I hope you continue to heal post surgery and MC transition continues on a good path .

SSHarkey

How very fortunate you are that he’s doing so well so soon in his placement! That must be such a relief! I agree with the others! Apply! Anything you can save for your own future needs is worth it!

JoseyWales

I'm so glad he's adjusting well and that you had a good first visit!

I remember coming home after taking DH to MC. The house was quiet. I was alone. It was surreal. Now, 2 years later, I'm somewhat used to it, but it's still an adjustment. Everywhere I look are reminders of my DH and our life together.

As for Medicaid, I say apply now. Why spend your money when you don't have to? If he qualifies, YOU can use the money you've saved for YOU. Your DH can easily outlive the money you've set aside. Easily half the residents where my husband is have been there much longer than 2 years.