Time for Nursing Home for Mom - How/when to have conversation/s with her

DahliaFlower

My Mom has had 24/7 home health care for 3 years. Her dementia and her mobility have gotten progressively worse where it is time to look at nursing homes. How do we (my sibings and I) talk to her about a nursing home???? In the past for years, she has hated the idea of nursing homes. Her Mom was in one for 2 weeks. way back in the 80's.

A year ago she told my sister she would fall down the stairs before going to one. If she sees a son & grandson just talking, she thinks they are talking about her going to a nursing home. It is about every 2 weeks, she is up at night, doesn't get any sleep, caregiver doesn't get any sleep - she is obsessing about something - sometimes about having to go to a nursing home. I think there was one time she did say that she might have to go.

At this point, no one has talked to her about a nursing home. I have read that it may help if she is involved somewhat when we are choosing nursing homes. How much do we tell her ahead of time for a big change like this????? (Most of the time we don't tell her about anything until the event comes up as she will obsess about it for a long time -( like a daughter coming from Washington D.C)

What should we do??????

THX for any advice you can give!!!

Emily 123

Hello Dahlia,

It sounds like you're already doing what most people on here would recommend, and not discuss it with her. Her dementia isn't going to make trying to 'prep' her any easier, as you know.

Have you discussed her anxiety with her provider lately to see if an adjustment of her meds would help with her anxiety?

SusanB-dil

Hi DahliaFlower - If she is still in the mindset of "Never", you simply don't discuss it with her. Most here on the forums just don't.

You are correct not saying much ahead of time in various situations. This sounds like one of them, as she will obsess.

CaliforniaGirl-1

One of the hardest things to do with a LO with dementia is to stop trying to get them to discuss and agree to things that are necessary. In our case, it led to arguments and upset and hurt feelings. That degree of brain function is gone. If your mom did agree she probably wouldn't remember. I understand the desire to get her to buy in, but with dementia it just is probably not an option.

Many of us struggled for years to get LOs out of unsafe homes and unsafe situations or to accept help and desperately wanted them to agree and buy in. But many people ended up, getting their LO to visit an AL or MC by saying the house needed work or after a precipitating disaster of the kind they were trying to avoid (hospitalization).

There is no easy way to do this but discussing it in advance probably won't help. We all so desperately want to protect our much loved and vulnerable family members.

LauraG34

We found a great AL and got the furniture set up. My plan was to show it to her then take her to target and get linens, etc so she felt a part of the decision. When I brought her to the apt and talked with her about staying there for a bit it was a disaster.

The advice I got from a Nurse Practitioner is to have everything ready - her clothes, linens, etc. and have her think it is temporary. That is what I did and it has worked for 3 weeks. Now she is getting more agitated about wanting to go home. She is probably stage 5 so I am wondering if I should move her to the MC side because I worry about her leaving because she is mad.

The lying gets easier - and I've had to explain to my kids why. There is nothing easy about this. So glad to have this forum!

terei

Have her room set up at facility. Tell her you are going to lunch. Take her there, have lunch + tell her the doctor said she has to stay here for therapy til she ‘gets better’. Take her or have her taken to the room. Go from there. She cannot make her own decisions anymore + asking for her input or telling her what you are going to do is just fruitless.