Dad With Vascular Dementia with agitation/anger

tritac72

Hello.

Im new here. Just signed up. I’ve been caring for my father, who is 85 and physically healthy except for the moderate dementia with agitation/anger. I go to his apartment 2-3 times a week to make him take a shower, clean his apartment, take him to doctors visits, run errands. He lives in an independent facility for older ones. They feed him his meals in the big dining area (he can still feed himself) and we pay extra so that they will give him his meds every day.

I’ve been doing this for a year and a half now (I’ve seen him decline at a moderate pace in that time) and see it needs to be more frequently (I have a camera in his studio apartment to keep an eye on him to know how his mood is, see things that need to be addressed with his doctor). When I’m not there he calls me a couple times a day to ask what I’m doing that day. He always thinks someone is stealing his things (never saw anything on the camera to support that. That’s the original reason I put the camera in his place), he hides EVERYTHING even if it’s food, scissors, etc, at times mumbles to himself cursing at someone in the building that he doesn’t like, doesn’t remember things like how to turn the shower on, work the tv, he also unplugs everything including now the refrigerator. Lately I’ve been feeling depressed because this disease is so finicky. You never know when it will get worse. It’s like dealing with someone with a terminal illness. At least it is for me. The constant uncertainty of am I going to get a call from management again about his agitation, is his memory going to get worse slowly or progress faster, am I going to get a call that he’s missing because he still has to go for walks, etc. Also the feeling that I’m losing who my father was…the strong, hard working, independent man he was.

Definitely starting to feel overwhelmed with stress and emotion lately. It can be hard juggling caring for him with caring for my family.

M1

Welcome to the forum. He clearly sounds like he needs a higher level of supervision. Memory care, to be specific. Don't wait for a crisis to make the change.

towhee

Tritac72, welcome to the forum. I understand that you are confused about progression, vascular does tend to stay stable for periods of time in between drops. However, it as well as the other true dementias is a terminal disease. Also, it is not unusual for the elderly to develop more than one kind of dementia. If you can gain some knowledge and make some preparations that you can put in place when needed it might be helpful. I recommend reading "Understanding the dementia experience", a short article free online at smashwords.com. Also, he needs some kind of tracking device and ID that he wears, (on something that he wears all the time as he will not remember to wear it). Right now. And M1 is absolutely right, you need to be researching a higher level of care, get him on some waiting lists, and determine how it can be paid for. The instant he gets lost, or hits someone, or has a problem beyond his current level of care they will tell you he has to either go somewhere else or have private pay care for 8 to 24 hours a day.

ButterflyWings

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/safety/home-safety

ButterflyWings

Emily 123

Hello tritac,

As you've seen by your ability to monitor him, he's agitated because the disease has removed his ability to interpret and react appropriately to his environment. That leaves him vulnerable.

One of the very hard things about this type of brain disease is that the person will be able to retain some outward ability to interact with others socially. Physically they may be able to still navigate their day--they can still 'do' things--but their judgement and reasoning is not reliable. The temptation is to continue to let them have more autonomy in choosing how and where they live because to outward appearances they can 'get by', but that doesn't give them the level of support they need, and results in confusion and anger because they're challenged by daily living.

What helped me, morbid as it is, was to imagine that instead of Alzheimer's my mom had sustained a traumatic brain injury. When I looked at her actions through that lens, when I imagined a physical representation of her brain loss, it became easier for me to be honest with myself about the level of care she needed . It helped me override my need for her to have autonomy over her life and made me understand that she had physical damage to her brain that prevented her from having the capacity to make decisions. I stopped making decisions based on her best days and realised she needed support for her worst, since 'worst' days are a preview of what becomes the new norm over time.

You must be on constant high alert as you keep an eye on your dad, and it's not healthy for him to bounce around his day constantly confused and agitated because he can't navigate that type of environment anymore. This is a terminal disease that progresses, so things won't get better. The disease may cause him to not be able to recognize his decline (anosognosia) and he may always be unhappy with where he ends up, but he can't live in an unregulated environment safely, and his needs excede what a single person can provide. Don't beat yourself up for that--I bet your dad from 'before' would not want his care to take priority over your being there for your own family. Taking decision making away from a parent is tough and goes against how we were raised, but the goal is his safety at this point, not necessarily his happiness with his environment.