It’s Just Not Funny

wose

I just have to vent and this forum is it. It’s therapeutic to type or write for me. This neighbor had surgery last week and my DH and him are friends. Not go to the ballpark friends but they did meet for coffee on Sundays occasionally. He sent an email to my DH asking him to get his mail and check on the garbage cans if he remembers and then in parentheses puts Alzheimers. I just find this appalling. Anyone else think it was inappropriate? He does know about my concerns because I asked for his opinion about 4/5 months ago. He came back and told me then that he was “as sharp as ever”. I don’t have friends, but all four of his (3 away) I believe think I’ve lost my mind. Thanks for listening 💙

Dio

Insensitive. Inconsiderate. Inappropriate. My DH has a friend like that, thinks he's being funny but he's not.

M1

Omg wose, completely inappropriate. I would think about this for a time, but then find a way to call him on it.

jfkoc

Ignorance? Very poor sense of humor?

I doubt ill will.

CindyBum

Not funny at all.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67997/it-s-just-not-funny

Nothing funny about it. I would have a hard time not confronting him. If my DH received an email mentioning Alzheimer’s it would be very upsetting to him. Nothing funny about this and extremely rude.

WIGO23

WOSE,

I am sorry this happened to your DH!

Your neighbor certainly lacks tact and needs to be educated in some basic manners. How would he like it if he had cancer and someone said, “please come to our party, if you are still alive.”

Nothing funny about pointing out someone’s challenges.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67997/it-s-just-not-funny

You’ll learn how stupid people are st times. Cousin said to wife when she repeated something twice “ eh as ts wrong wi th h you you have f—king dementia. Thank God went over her head i disconnected call. Moron and I mentioned once memory issue

ButterflyWings

This sounds like both denial and stupidity (ignorance + maybe willfully refusing to learn the truth about your DH's condition and what it entails vs just the stereotypes, which you mentioned they have been dismissing anyway. Classic denial but also undermining you). Inappropriate, uninformed, enabling, infuriating. Yep.

And stupid which is not a word I use often but I say this "friend" is both because not only was he wrong in all the ways you all have mentioned, to reference Alzheimer's, but it is also flat out idiotic to ask someone with that disease to take on extra responsibilities. Especially things like retrieving (and protecting, not losing) someone else's mail, which is asking for trouble.

JeriLynn66

How awful of that person. I would need a very looong recovery time beforehand but I would certainly have a conversation with the “friend” about this !

wose

Thanks from the bottom of my heart. I just don’t trust my instincts anymore thanks to this awful disease. Since he only has those 4 friends, I felt it was appropriate to let them in. But I am second guessed so much that I’m thinking it’s me. All of them seem to think I’m overthinking. It’s nice to have some support. This knucklehead was well informed about his diagnosis. It just felt like an insult cause he knows I monitor DH emails. 💙

Joydean

This person is not a friend nor is he even a “good neighbor “. So inappropriate and disgusting. As others have said after you have had some time to think about if you are comfortable with your dh being with this jerk you really need to have a heart to heart talk to him! Just my opinion! Not sure I would be able to wait.

ButterflyWings

@Joydean is right which brings to mind another thought: sometimes people keep hanging around and its not that they don't see the deficits...they do. And they exploit them.

We (I) have had to drop thieving family and "friends" and some are still trying to manipulate and take what they can get. "Borrowing" money, valuable items, etc. with no intention of paying back or returning. Even some his former colleagues have enriched themselves a tad with funds that rightfully belong to DH. Dementia seems to bring out the worst in some people -- and I don't mean our PWD LOs.

It is enough to make you want to punch someone. So do beware -- scammers aren't the only ones that seem to have no shame about taking advantage of a disabled elder. That's what it amounts to and in time you may find these particular "friends" have an ulterior motive in enabling your DH and fostering conflict between the two of you over facing facts about dementia and putting protections in place for him and you both.

Ed1937

It's hard to find words for this. I'm usually the guy who will try to find a reason why someone would do something inappropriate. If you can find a reasonable reason why he might have said it, you will feel better about it. I'm not sure I would be able to do that. But I am pretty sure I would have a talk with him, and let him know how wrong it was to do that.

Is it possible that your neighbor has dementia himself, and has lost all empathy? Or is he just a mean human being?

M1

Btw wose I'm glad you're monitoring your husbands emails. Online activity will need to stop at some point. Are you watching his browser history too at least? At some point you may have to slip his devices into airplane mode, change the wifi password, or otherwise limit device accessibility.