I don't know how to deal with this

l7pla1w2

I've dealt with memory lapses before, but I don't know how to deal with this one. DW has basically lost all memory of at least yesterday and today. She says she hasn't seen me in days and says I should just tell her if I want a divorce. I could provide witnesses that saw her and me together at least today, and I could point out other things that prove I've been here, but she's in her own reality right now, so facts don't matter. She's quite distraught about my (supposedly) abandoning her and quizzes me about where I've been. It's hard to make up a tale about several days, or at least it's hard for me. I don't know how to reach her to calm her down.

Quilting brings calm

I suggest testing her for a UTI. It can cause confusion like that. On the meantime, tell her a fiblet that you had to go out of town overnight.

trottingalong

tell her you are sorry, you weren’t thinking it would be so difficult for her and that you will not do it again. End with something like she’s the love of your life. No need to try and make up an explanation of where you supposedly were. I would also suggest checking for a UTI. I recently purchased the at home test strips to have handy. Just last week I went through something similar with my DH. I recognized immediately that he must have a UTI.

M1

This happened to us too, though no UTI was involved. It's very difficult when your spouse stops recognizing you, and there's no point in arguing with her. Agree that checking for UTI may be indicated, but wouldn't count on it. Twice my partner told people on the phone that I had left her when i was sitting right there. Now in MC she'll say she hasn't seen me in ages, when I'm there nearly every day. The only consolation i can give you is the the recognition may come and go for a while. If she's very agitated about it, i would speak with her docs about prescribing something for the agitation.

ButterflyWings

Yes, for us there was no UTI -- but we went through the same thing in very early stages. In fact that is what got DH back to the Drs. for further testing and eventually led to a diagnosis. He was giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment one day and it upset me so much I confronted him and insisted on discussing the weird things that were happening between us -- turned out he was acting that way because he felt so hurt that I "had somehow disappeared and not even called him for a couple of days". (Didn't happen).

It terrified him when I was able to show him my phone with evidence that we had indeed had a lengthy conversation just a few hours before, that he literally had zero recollection of. This was before anosognosia sunk in completely, so we lucked out in that regard I guess (?) Meaning he was able to fully grasp the facts of what had really happened and the gravity of it (he was starting to lose huge chunks of his days and filling them in with paranoid and delusional explanations).

And yes the "D" word did come up a few times which was just totally new for us. Looking back, that was a scary and hurtful time. I told him "you're going to lose your wife by pushing me away for no reason at all if we don't get to the bottom of this".

I almost thought HE was fooling around for the first time ever in our relationship, because he kept picking minor arguments (I thought) and then saying that if I was bored with him or there was someone else, we should just go our separate ways (!) That combined with his promising to do things and then blowing me off (I later realized it wasn't his fault, he was just forgetting.) But had we not had such a smooth, non-contentious marriage up to then I can see how people could end up with irreparable damage to their relationship before identifying dementia as the culprit.

Heartbreaker and homewrecker. That's what I always say about dementias. One way or the other. Sad.

Anti-psychotic meds helped with his delusions and hallucinations once they became dangerous, a short time later in the disease process. Otherwise, I learned to validate and divert or distract as the members are saying above. But some delusions I would never "admit" to, just to keep the peace short term, including infidelity. It wasn't true -- and I felt it could backfire if I apologized for something so heinous (which I didn't do) that could then undermine his trust in me for future reference. Murphy's law, that would have been the one thing he'd remember! Instead, I told him "I would NEVER do that. I love you and there is NO ONE else for me, but you. Period. I'm sorry if you don't believe me, that hurts, but its the truth. You are the ONLY ONE FOR ME!" Then I'd just redirect the conversation and activity as often as needed. Rinse and repeat as they say. I've even walked away casually (hiding my emotions since PWDs are extra sensitive to mood, facial expression, and tone). I might mention food or get him a treat - whatever it took to get me a moment to breathe deeply, and to help his brain shift to something else.

charley0419

This illness SUCKS!!

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/196590#Comment_196590

So, the tale continues. I was finally able to lower the emotional temperature with DW yesterday by walking away and upstairs. The rest of the day/night continued with what passes for normal: dinner, TV, sex (see "horny"), sleep.

This morning I walked DW to the Y for her personal training and I went to a volunteer activity. I got a call from her around the time she got home from the Y. She sounded distraught and said she thought she was never going to see me again. I hustled home. Oh, did I mention that I left a sign on the door that said I would be having lunch with the volunteer group? She completely missed that, even though I talked to her about it this morning.

We had the typically emotional, frustrating, and exasperating conversation. She hasn't seen me in days. Where did I sleep last night? Where do I live? Did I want a divorce? She referred to herself as "crazy wife". She insisted that she hadn't gone to the Y, even though I walked her there.

I'm tempted to take selfies of us at night and in the morning to prove I've been here, though I'm not sure how she'll react when I show them to her.

It's one thing to use fiblets for small stuff, but it's really hard to fib about the same thing every day. There are only so many times I could say, "I was visiting my brother."

I tend to get hyper-rational in situations like this and try to analyze what's going on. It seems to me that she panics at times when she determines I'm not home and concludes I'm never coming back. I would say the panic causes her to purge a day or two's memory, but actually the memory was already gone. If I'm right about the panic attacks, though, I can't leave her alone.

When she calmed down and I persuaded her I wasn't going to leave her, she encouraged me to go back to my volunteer group lunch and said she didn't want me to miss out It was a little late, but my real fear was that she would panic again.

A comment about UTIs (a bit off-topic, though it gets mentioned frequently). My first thought was, "How could DW contract a UTI?" But I just looked up more information and see that sexual activity can be a cause, so I think it's time to get test scripts.

Quilting brings calm

A UTI is very easy to get … it doesn’t have to be sexual activity and usually isn’t. It can be not wiping properly ( back to front for example) or not wiping completely; not completely voiding the bladder, not drinking enough water, having a structural abnormality, and so forth.

trottingalong

women can be more prone to UTIs also. One thing to remember about the fibs. The likelihood is, she doesn’t remember your excuse from the day before. You will not ever really understand what’s happening in her brain. It’s damaged and not functioning correctly. I helped take care of my MIL who had alz. She’d ask the same questions over and over. My DH and his brothers would get irritated with their mom and tell her she already asked that question. All it did was cause more frustration for them when she turned around and asked the same question again. I would just act like it was the first time I heard that question. It was easier on me and her. Now my DH does the same thing.

Iris L.

Your DW cannot read notes anymore.

M1

Iris is right, notes won't work (as you just witnessed), and the big picture is likely that she now needs 24/7 supervision. Being alone even for a few minutes is clearly not something she can handle. I'm so sorry.

l7pla1w2

I don't think we're at the 24/7 stage yet, but she definitely has slipped a notch, and I need to start arranging help.

JeriLynn66

'm tempted to take selfies of us at night and in the morning to prove I've been here, though I'm not sure how she'll react when I show them to her.

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You mentioned you cope with situations by “getting hyper rational… your wife cannot BE rational. You are her connection to a safe place. She’s fearful and panics in your absence. It isn’t safe for her to be alone at any time.

Please don’t take my comments as criticism. Many of the folks here responding are medical professionals (myself included) with years of experience living and caring for loved ones with this disease. We’re all here to give the best advice based on that experience.

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/196746#Comment_196746

Dementia is a trickster. Please don't underestimate it. You can't outsmart or rationalize this disease. Trust the insights (first hand experience) of the members here. I was reading your update and just saying to myself, "she can't be left alone any more", when you said that exact thing. And when you reach that stage it is 24/7 because (well see my first sentence).

Behavior is communication. She is freaking out when she doesn't see you, because she needs more constant supervision. And I'll assure you, one of the scariest times for me was waking up realizing DH had been out and about walking around our yard (I think he didn't go further than that) late at night (with a baseball bat! and one of my ladies' jackets on, with no pants... in chilly weather) trying to catch the guy he hallucinated was breaking into my car.

You need to watch her at all times, or hire someone who can do it when you cannot. How is she getting back and forth to places without you? The first time she wanders or just can't find her way back home may be tragic. It just isn't worth it. I'm sorry, but M1 is right about 24/7 supervision.