Embarrassed, hurting, angry, sad
We’ve been married for 55 1/2 years now. And every one of those years my DH has had a sex addiction. I didn’t know it until many years into the marriage. We had two small girls when it all came to the surface. For a lot of reasons that would take a lifetime to tell you, I chose to stay in the relationship. So here we are now, he’s moving from the mid-stage plateau into a more rapid decline. And with that, the conscious social boundaries are coming down. Our pastor is our son-in-law, fortunately. And he came to me to tell me my DH has begun saying very inappropriate things to young women. Ugh. He “joked” to one new husband, in front of his bride, asking him if he knew she was soliciting men online. He asked a newly married woman if she was pregnant. Our son-in-law discussed it with my DH, who readily admitted and agreed to stop “joking”. I can tell you from experience that’ll last about as long as a piece of chocolate in my hands. So here I am, feeling embarrassed. Wanting to tell people that he doesn’t understand. But I know actually he does at the moment. He’s kept this secret side out of public view. And now it’s all slowly coming forth. I hurt for our daughters. They don’t need their dad to become the “dirty old man”. Yet for years I’ve known this was a distinct possibility. As his brain keeps deteriorating, the ability to monitor his social language dies. And it’s beginning. And I know there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. Lastly, I’m angry. Because this may end up with us no longer being able to attend church, forced to watching it online to protect the women from his behaviors. I’m angry that he was never willing to deal with his garbage, allowing himself to hide it while it festered. And that makes me very very sad.
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All I can offer is an ear and a hug. Neither helpful. Yes, virtual church may be a reasonable move or having a sitter with him while you go. I remember several men at church with mid stage disease who were inappropriate.....so this is not new but is painful in every way. I will just say, you have a person, a stranger who is thinking about you.....dealing with her own DH and his disease, but pausing and saying a prayer for your strength and peace.
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SSHarkey, I'd mention this to his doctors if you haven't already. Medication might help tamp some of it down. It might matter if you are to the point of needing aides, a day program, or placement, as most aides are female and they would not tolerate this behavior. I'm so sorry.
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I understand a little of how your daughters feel. My step/dad didn’t have a sex addiction / but he was and is definitely handsy and has the gall to say things out loud that should not be said to waitresses etc. it was and is embarrassing. It was even more embarrassing when female relatives recently started admitting to me that they’d been the recipient of those comments and hugs.
Please remember this ( it’s what o tell my mom): it’s not your fault. You aren’t the behavior police for him. You can’t control him. In her case, she also has dementia.
The staff at my parent’s AL is aware of his tendency to hug, kiss their cheek, grab onto their hand and not let go, ‘flirt’ etc. They tell me that he is not the only resident with these behaviors and that they have methods of dealing with it. They also counsel their younger staff on these methods.
In your case, I would immediately switch to virtual church. Your son in law’s job may depend on it.
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Thank you, Quilting. I had no other person or place I could vent. Your prayers are exactly what I need. I need wisdom, grace, and strength to do what is right and necessary. I greatly appreciate your words!
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Anne, I’m still trying to understand this format! My reply to Quilting was meant for you!
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M1, I agree that females will be a difficult placement for support help. Although at this point his attentions are focused on the younger women. I’m hoping that if I can get a more mature, Nurse Cratchett type, that’ll keep him withheld. If not, then I’ll just have to figure it out. Thank you for your suggestion. I’ll speak with his neurologist and see what he allows.
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Quilting, I have memories of being grabbed and pinched by an old man when I was waiting tables as a young woman in college. I grew up in a time when that was considered acceptable. Thankfully our culture has recognized the behaviors against women and is slowly changing. Unfortunately, my DH has changed only outwardly. I agree with you that church will be a critical factor in what happens next. I appreciate your perspective and will keep it in mind as this progresses.
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I would get a male aide or companion caregiver to come hang out with him so you can go to church by yourself. Your respite care and relationships are important to maintain.
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Thank you, Butterfly. I completely agree. Just not sure about the timing. I expected to do something like that when he was more debilitated. But he’s not there yet. I’m going to have to have an open conversation with him. See how he responds. I really appreciate your response! It may very well come to that sooner than .
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I’m so sorry this is happening. I don’t have any advice just a hug and prayers for you and your family. ❤️
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In hoping to have an "open conversation" with him, just remember you are talking with his disease, not your DH really. It is so tough to get used to, but "don't ask, don't tell", fiblets, and making decisions without consulting my spouse was necessary though hard.
We learn here that you can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. His diseased and declining brain will not allow him to keep promises even if he remembers them. It is hard, but don't torture yourself by trying to bargain with, or even have a rational discussion with a PWD LO. Good luck to you. It is so hard.
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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. We dealt with very similar issues with my father. Dad was always a bit of a misogynist and objectifier of women. I wasn't surprised. He also took a turn politically (which did shock me) and would offer opinions that seems targeted at offending as many folks as possible. The man burned through their social circles in 3 states.
The first thing I would do is remove his access to the internet. You can change the WiFi password, slip his devices into airplane mode, disappear his smart phone and spill Coke into his laptop. Whatever it takes. Now.
This is critical. Across the country FBI and other law enforcement agencies are constantly monitoring access to illegal sites by IP address. If the people featured in the material he views or downloads as trafficked or children, you will be in a world of hurt. He'd likely be arrested regardless of his dementia diagnosis and it will likely make local news as LE considers such "outing" to be a deterrent. At trial he might get some consideration for his cognitive state, but by then the arrest will be known to your metro area.
I was fortunate that dad was in his late 70s and 80s and lost his computer skills not long after he'd managed to squander $360K of his retirement funds day-trading so we didn't have to worry so much about online porn. We did have one assault fairly early in the dementia progression before I'd been able to force an evaluation. He came into the guest room and attempted to have sex with his granddaughter. My mom blew if off as "joking" and it cost her the relationship with her granddaughter for a time. I suspect dad didn't recognize her but I wonder; she was the grandchild he was most often angry with (she hated her dad and saw her as a minion of said son-in-law) and looking to "put in her place". I'm not saying this is something your DH will do, but it's a risk to be aware of.
But dad was inappropriate with women in public. Cringeworthy. For a time one of us would go ahead into a restaurant to secure a male server-- a request that was always honored. But this sometimes resulted in him complaining and trying to get the women to come to the table. As a result, we made his world very small. The only place he went was the doctor's office where he'd be creepy with any females there. Some medical professionals were completely unphased by this behavior understanding it as a symptom but this wasn't universal. To that end, explaining it to others as a symptom/behavior beyond his control will likely not bring universal understanding.
It might make sense for you to hire a sitter so that you can continue to worship in person. Perhaps your church could find a group of rotating volunteers from their men's group to provide this for you.
Medication is worth exploring. That said, it didn't make the behavior disappear for us. Dad had been on a fairly high dose of an SSRI which can tank libido for many but not him. Just before dad was diagnosed with dementia, he was diagnosed with a recurrence of prostate cancer and started on Androgen Deprivation Therapy which flushed the testosterone from his body and yet we still had the sex-talk. After he was diagnosed, a geri psych added Seroquel to his meds for agitation, aggression and sleep fragmentation. Over time the inappropriate talk lessened, but I feel like that was more a function of disease progression than medication. It's worth a try. I'd find a geri psych and be frank about his history and what you're dealing with now.
Warm hugs.
HB
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I'm sorry I have nothing to offer but prayers for your situation. My first husband is a sex addict, and I put up with his behavior for 17-1/2 years before throwing him out. Although his behavior was not as overt, it was still bad enough to prevent us from having any friends.
I agree with the posters above that a male church visitor to stay with him while you attend services would be in order. Perhaps they can read the scripture and pray together in a small service of their own. Caring for a person with dementia is isolating enough. You need to maintain the support your receive from your church community for your own sake.
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Thank you!
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Thank you! Is is indeed hard to get around the idea that’s it something he can’t control. i guess it’s because the addiction has had him so tied up, I keep thinking he can’t take some kind of action step. Oh well. It is what it is.
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Yes, thank you, fmb! I do need it. Very much!
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Oh HB! What a story! I hurt for everyone and everything you all went through! It makes my situation seem miniscule. I will take everything you’ve said to heart. Thank you for sharing!
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I'm sorry you have to deal with such a devastating problem. I agree that going to church by yourself would be very good for you. As much as this disease takes from us, we need to take as much as we can for ourselves. That means getting out for you. A male companion would likely be far better than an older female, in my opinion.
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Thank you, Ed! I appreciate your input! Devastating is the perfect word. I’m going to have to work on this for sure!
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Thank you, Jeri! All prayers are greatly appreciated!
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in addition to everything mentioned above, this is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Imagine that your son-in-law and his church were sued because of your husband’s behavior! I implore you to stop taking DH to church, ever. Your son-in-law will not be able to claim ignorance as a defense, nor will you. There have been plenty of red flags.
I know it sounds harsh. You sound as though you’re equivocal about the situation- this is why I’m presenting a worst case scenario.
With sympathy, Marta
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Thank you, Marta. I appreciate your input! And will take it so serious consideration!
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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