An Old Question With Many Answers

VKB

When I took care of both my parents at home, I certainly did not always make the right decisions for them and for myself. I understand everyone here must find their own way and no one should criticize. I tried to do my best and certainly there are many here who are doing the same.

I often write about and admire loving, caring at home caregivers who are giving up large chunks of their lives out of love or loyalty or both. I have often wondered, when does Memory Care or a Nursing Home Care become the kindest decision for the person cared for, the caregiver or both of them?

LeighMcAlister

I am also interested in the range of answers to this question and was disappointed (given title of post) that no answers were reported. How does one make this decision

Rae4

I never for a moment considered having my mom move in with us. She told us numerous times pre-dementia that she never ever wanted to live with her kids. She planned ahead financially, thankfully, so she can afford AL/MC. Very recently she qualified for her LTC policy to kick in, which is very helpful. After mom fell and broke her pelvis she declined cognitively very quickly. She has gone from stage 3/4 to stage 6 in less than two years. Even if I had considered having her at my home, there is no way I could have kept her there for long. Even with her in AL/MC it is very stressful running her life and making all the decisions. I visit her every three days and more often when something comes up. I know for sure she is being well cared for and will forever be grateful for her hands on caregivers.

M1

@Leigh, this was posted on all three forums and there are more answers under the spouses' page.

Quilting brings calm

I never considered moving my parents into my home or vice versa either. They didn’t even have a home once we emergency moved them back to our home state. They had recently sold their camper and moved into an apartment prior to that. Our home wasn’t set up for a person with cognitive or mobility issues. There is open stairs and we are in a very small village surrounded by open fields. I was still working full time and they would have been alone all day. I’m not cut out to be a 24/7 caregiver. My spouse was on disability as it was.

There were other reasons. At the end of the day- Our home is my spouse’s and my sanctuary. I couldn’t allow that to be destroyed by my parents moving in with me.

So I moved them into assisted living and I became their advocate, their transport to the doctor, their note taker at the doctor, their grocery shopper, their bill payer etc etc.

LadyTexan

When I consider placement or caring for my parent's at home, I focus on the priorities that I established on a day without too much drama. I want my parents to be

• safe,
• clean,
• comfortable and
• reasonably happy.

My home was remodeled for aging in place when my husband had EOAD. My husband has passed. I haven't returned to the workforce, My mother needs care and my dad needs oversight. It made sense to me to invite them to move in with me.

I am grateful that I am able to care for them in my home. When they (or I) am no longer safe, clean, comfortable and reasonably happy, other options will be necessary.

clever_bear

I love this post for so many reasons but primarily because it acknowledges from the very start, and the coments exemplify this, that everyone's situation is different with a large number of variables meaning everyone's answer will be different.

I think it is useful if for no other reason that it would help someone at the very beginning of the caregiving journey take a look at the factors that impacted the decisions of other folks to help them make the best kind of decision for their situation, if possible. I think it also helps us all see that regardless of what caregiving can look/feel like day-to-day (many of us feeling out of control of certain aspects) it is a good reminder that at some point either we or our LOs made decisions that helped shaped the current situation.

For example, it means asking about LTC policy is on my list next time I talk to my dad. He's 78, in fantastic health for his age, and not a hint of memory or cognitive issues to be seen. And yet there are so many things that can happen as one gets older, and it would be good information to have just in case.

Thank you all for sharing your responses. I'm hoping to get back over the other boards to review other responses later today.

three4rd

All I know is, I'd never want my daughter to be saddled with taking care of me someday, should the need arise. Even if she'd want to, it just doesn't seem fair. As it is, looks like she'll be living long term across the country anyway so a moot point. I don't want my wife having to be taking care of me either. Simply not fair to her. If I can no longer manage, time for outside assistance and/or assisted living / nursing care. Years ago we bought a LTC policy that offers terrific coverage - as stated on paper anyway - but who knows if the money'd even be there once or if needed.