An Old Question With Many Answers

VKB

When I took care of both my parents at home, I certainly did not always make the right decisions for them and for myself. I understand everyone here must find their own way and no one should criticize. I tried to do my best and certainly there are many here who are doing the same.

I often write about and admire loving, caring at home caregivers who are giving up large chunks of their lives out of love or loyalty or both. I have often wondered, when does Memory Care or a Nursing Home Care become the kindest decision for the person cared for, the caregiver or both of them?

psg712

You are right, that question does have many answers. Probably the biggest factor is the safety of the PWD. Other things to consider are the age, health and safety of the caregivers, including what supports they have available to them and what other responsibilities they carry. I'm sure that others here could give a more detailed description than I can. We face similar challenges with our LO but every family situation is unique. We each do the best we can in a difficult time.

Smilescountry

Hello! I absolutely agree that the answer is different for everyone. I am in a small group at our church, and, although everyone is dealing with parents with dementia or other needs, each family is handling it differently. One couple, younger than I, has moved into the home of the man’s father. The wife is a nurse, but problems that keep her from working . However, she is able to care for her father-in-law, who has dementia with other health issues. Their plans are to take care of him through the end, and they will receive his home in return. Family members are supportive and provide relief. However, my sisters and I found an appropriate place for both our parents within three months of our father being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He was, and is, progressing quickly, and our mother is also having strong signs of dementia. They wanted to stay together (70 years of marriage) but could not properly care for each other at home. In addition, we daughters are too old ourselves to properly care for two parents with dementia in our homes. While we could have found a place just for our father, we knew that they did not want to be separated, and this is working well.

LauraG34

Hello - I have recently moved Mom into assisted living. She was living out of state and I had someone with her 4 hours a day to take her places and make sure she was taking her medication. I had heard concerns from some neighbors and friends. Then Mom left the oven on and neighbor had to help. That was it for me - I couldn't take the stress.

I had Mom with me for a few weeks. I work from home and she was just sitting on the sofa watching TV and playing games on her phone. I convinced her to try an apartment in assisted living - but I never used those words. It is a retirement community. There are people and activities. She has gotten into puzzles and plays BINGO. I know she doesn't think this is the best place for her but it really is. I wish she would embrace it and make friends - then it would be so much better for her. But logic just doesn't work on the demetia brain.

M1

Hi Laura, i replied to your other post also.

One concern that comes up frequently here is that by the time families consider assisted living, that ship has already sailed and what is really needed is memory care. I have to say that crossed my mind when you said that your mom would just sit all day-she may have already lost too much executive function to thrive in AL. Others also post about their LO's getting shunned by other residents if their dementia is too advanced-Senior version of Mean Girls, so to speak. So it sounds like you should definitely watch for this and reconsider her placement, if things don't improve. We also hear stories of hospitality model AL's that almost do this with a "bait and switch" method- they are so eager to fill rooms that they'll accept someone into AL with knowledge aforethought that it's not going to work, in order to move them to MC after they crash and burn.

Let's hope this doesn't happen and that she settles in. But forewarned may be forearmed.....and you should have a low threshold for recruiting help from the facility director if you need to. Keep us posted how she does.