My Big Mouth

CindyBum

My need to occasionally beat myself is here again! Lucky me and you all.

Since I moved my DW to her dream home from the Bay Area to a remote fishing village, I've really struggled with her family completely ignoring her. They claim to be a super close family and she's the oldest of 6. The youngest sister basically controls all the family functions stuff and I know she is utterly incapable of thinking of anyone but herself...and yet...I had to go and give her a piece of my mind.

I have been trying to arrange a visit for my DW back down to see her family for a year. At least 7 tries when there was an event and every time, there was no place for my DW to stay. They'd already arranged for other family members to stay in various family homes and completely left my DW out of the planning. I told the sister this was happening and she said, "In my opinion, there is no lack of effort to include your DW." And I snapped. Told her that was untrue, that none of them reach out to their sister to even let her know she is loved and that my DW notices (which she does frequently mention).

I know this sister can't be more than she is, I know she bullies the rest of her siblings to do everything her way, and I know she would never, ever see anything from anyone else's perspective. Still, I wasted the energy and made things even more tense between us by pointing it out.

My new mantra is to remember that when we go to the Bay Area, I shouldn't even bother asking if my DW will have a place. It only makes me angry and makes me dislike them all more than I already do. I'm now in the camp of many others...when my DW passes, I will not include them in the memorial I have for her and will not attend anything they set up. I doubt, actually, they'll set anything up or even notice she's gone. God...that is an awful thing to know.

BPS

I have a similar situation, my wife is the oldest of seven and the youngest sister tries to control everything the family does and has done some shady financial thing with her moms money. I have thought about it and will let them know when my wife passes. We will have a small memorial of some kind and they can come and I will try to be polite but I want to tell them that they knew her condition and should have showed they cared by staying in contact with her at least a phone call once in a while (my wife wouldn't remember it any more and it wouldn't mean anything to her now). I know people get busy with life but I don't think a phone call once in a while was to much to ask. Last year I took my wife to see most of them and they said they were glad to see her but still not a single call. It is hard to see her ignored by family that you thought cared.

CindyBum

I'm so sorry to know you have this same struggle, BPS. My DW's sister also did shady things with their mom's money. She took a significant amount of money to invest for herself and also still hasn't given her siblings their share of the inheritance nearly 2 years after the death of her mother.

Same thing for my DW....a few phone calls from one her brothers since we moved, but nothing from anyone else. Her immediate family is 25 people; 2 phone calls. The thing is, my DW thought they cared. She loves them so much and they just don't seem to care.

Honestly, who knows what I'll do when she passes, but the idea that I could be polite to these folks at her memorial seems impossible right now.

BPS

I haven't been there yet so I will have to see at the time but I think that the memorial will be more for family and friends to say good bye then for me. I have been dealing with the loss on a regular bases for a long time now (she is here but not really here) and after the memorial I will have a privet time when placing her ashes. I wonder how other that have been through it already feel about the memorial.

M1

Cindy all you can do is go forward. Our situation is different---I get along with my partner's family, but there are very few of them left. We talk to one sister in Houston occasionally, but that's it, and phone conversations are getting harder and harder anyway. No one is any help, and I think they are more than delighted than I'm here to do the caregiving. But it also means that I feel little obligation to keep them in any communication loops and won't plan around them when she dies. She and I are a very small nuclear family of choice. Most friends have also dropped away now, so it is a very, very lonely time. My kids are emotional support, but they are both very busy with their own lives, as they should be in their early thirties. If it weren't for my human contacts at MC, I would go days and days without seeing another soul.

CindyBum

Thank you, M1. It’s been quite a day of working through it all. My heart is in the right place with trying to get my DW the contact with family that she craves and I’m letting go of the idea that I can make it happen. I guess I must have really needed the repeat smacks to the head about who they are to really accept it.

It breaks my heart for her, but so has everything else of this journey so far.

Ed1937

I feel so bad for those of you who have family problems at a time like this. My wife was an only child, and her parents are long gone, so we never had to deal with that. We had a large family with 9 kids, and luckily we were well supported by all.

wizmo

When I first saw the word “disown” I was probably in primary school and struggled to understand the concept. As I learned about the extreme toxicity that can occur in family dynamics it began to make sense. Very sad this happens at all but some people have such a lack of both self awareness and capacity for empathy. You try your best but but sometimes just have to let go.

ImMaggieMae

It sounds like you’ve already done everything you can to remedy the situation - and then some. It’s very sad, but better to look ahead and spend time with those who still care. You are a good husband.

WIGO23

Our Story of Family Dysfunction Made Worse by Living in ALZHEIMER Land

We have a daughter-in-law that has never been close to us despite our efforts for over fifteen years. She is the mother of our only grandkids and makes no effort to make our visits comfortable. We have gotten used to the cold shoulder and have made the best of it. Our son’s family live all the way from one coast to the other from us, so visits take a lot of planning.

Just after my husband was diagnosed, we had a planned visit with our son’s family. My DH was having a hard time remembering the lay out of their home, finding the bathroom etc. He got very confused (just from the routine change) and it made a typically hard visit even harder.

I realized that the “normal” stress of being around our daughter-in-law was overwhelming my coping abilities as I watched my husband struggle.

I am not sure, we will visit in their home ever again. I feel I need to put DH’s needs first. I hope our son will bring our grandkids to see us in the future. Right now there are no specific plans. His wife (no surprise) will likely put up obstacles.

My take away at this point in time is that, my DH’s care needs to be a priority. He is vulnerable to stressors. If someone in my family is stressing him, then I only have so much tolerance/energy for them in my life.

It is sad to me that the collateral damage may be not seeing my son or grandkids as we would like. But I don’t have energy left over to tolerate the dysfunction of someone who does not seem to care.

AnderK

Hi, I can certainly understand where you are. And you put it so well. I so agree that right now, you need to take care of YOU and your DH. The inability to see your son and grands are a loss. But so is the difficulty of the life you live, and the energy you need to live it.

We learned during the worst of Covid, there there are ways to keep in touch, via zoom, FaceTime and ways other than face to face. Not the same, often more frequent, though, and less disruptive.

My best to you.

Kathy

GothicGremlin

@CindyBum

I know this sister can't be more than she is, I know she bullies the rest of her siblings to do everything her way, and I know she would never, ever see anything from anyone else's perspective.

I see you've met my brother.

Snark aside, he's just like your DW's sister. The universe revolves around him and only him. The thing that really tipped me over the edge was when he started bullying my sister - who has dementia!

Once I got that situation resolved, I just moved on. He and I don't talk. If I have any updates I route them through my cousin. So I guess that's how I've resolved it - I moved on and just ignore him. I don't think there's anything we can change who these people are. They are who they are.