Update

White Crane

I had surgery on my right wrist and elbow on Jan. 12. On Jan. 19, DH came down with pneumonia and was in the hospital for four days. During that time, he became so weak he could not stand without assistance. The Dr. told me I could not take him home as he would need more care than I could provide. On Jan. 23 he was transported directly from the hospital to the memory care unit I had selected. When I visited him the next day, he was content and smiling and seemed to be settling in nicely. That lasted a few days. Now he is depressed, not eating, and as soon as he sees me he starts saying he wants to go home. His face looks thinner and he has dark circles under his eyes. He refuses to shave so he looks very unkempt. It breaks my heart to see him this way! His eyes plead with me to take him home. When I go to bed at night, I still see his eyes pleading with me. I love him so much and miss him so much! Nothing I say relieves his desire to go home. As for me, my wrist and elbow are still healing and are still sore...especially my elbow. Also, I lifted something heavy and now my shoulder is hurting very badly...I have a partial tear in my right rotator cuff. I will be going back to physical therapy on Monday. There is no way I can bring him home. I love him and he loves me and we are both feeling the loss and separation. After fifty-six years of marriage we are suddenly apart. It hit me a couple of nights ago that I feel abandoned. He left me. He didn't mean to or want to but Alzheimer's took him away from me. I'm trying to learn to live on my own in this great big house and also trying to arrange for financing his memory care. I am meeting with an elderlaw attorney in three weeks. Day by day we are both surviving but it's hard. Some days I cry. Some days I can't bring myself to do anything. It's hard to eat. Friends tell me it will get better. With God's help I hope so. Thanks for listening.

Brenda

trottingalong

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I’m so sorry.

Mint

(((Brenda and DH)))

Caro_Lynne

Praying for you and DH. One foot in front of the other xo

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68114/update

Your breaking my heart , married 55 to my DW isn't too bad yet. My biggest worry if anything happens to me. I'm I pretty good shape but other day taking pants off in middle of room feel back on ass, hurt like hell but lucky now I sit can't take any chances

BPS

the thought of what if something happens to me is a concern I have too. A couple of days ago I asked my wife if something happen to me if she could call our son. She has a cell phone that sits on the table next to her chair and she always plugs it in to charge even when it doesn't need it. She looked around and said she didn't know how. I asked her what she would do and she said call 911. I asked her to show me and she looked around on the end table where her phone was sitting in plain sight and picked up the blood pressure tester and looked at it for a little bit. I told her it was OK and don't worry about it.

JeriLynn66

Brenda I’m sending big hugs your way ❤️

jsps139_

Wanting to bring him home, but physically impossible for you to handle has to be so very hard on both of you. So sad. Take care of yourself.

ButterflyWings

(((@White Crane)))

and @BPS when we ask just a few more questions, the frightening reality is so clear, right? I'm in the same situation. If I go down, even temporarily, our little house of cards crashes for sure. I try not to worry about it.

ImMaggieMae

Brenda, you’ve done everything you can do. Now youjust have to wait and heal. I feel so bad for you. Hugs to you.

ghphotog

That is so hard. I'm placing my wife soon and I'm so deeply concerned that she will plead and plead with me to get her out. She will think I don't want her anymore. Hopefully after a few weeks it will be easier.

M1

I completely get it Brenda. Dear friend i wish i could tell you it gets better, but it hasn't for us. We feel sundered, both of us, and she asks every visit if she can come home with me. With my heart breaking, i tell her that she will once she's better.

I have been hoping to hear from you. Glad you posted.

Ed1937

Brenda, your words tell us how hard it is for you (and him). I'm so sorry for you both. I'm not suggestion you do this, but do you think it might help if you don't visit him for a while? Your friends are right. It will get better.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68114/update

Dear Brenda,

I am so sorry that so many things are hitting you at one time. You know your DH loves you. If he was able to process your struggles, inability to take care of him and your medical situation. I suspect he would not want you to bring him home. He would say "thank you for taking care of me for so long and is such a caring way." Because you see the longing in his eyes doesn't mean you are causing the longing or the inability to care for him. It is a terrible situation for both of you.

White Crane

Dear Forum Friends, thank you for all your support. It helps get me through. My oldest son is here this week and that is helping so much. We went to see DH yesterday and things went a lot better than they have been. My son was nervous about seeing his dad in Memory Care for the first time but he ended up being glad he went. He was gentle and kind to him. We played rummy and had sandwiches that we had brought for lunch. DH only ate the pie that was on his dinner tray but he enjoyed it. After lunch, the aide helped him to his room and DS and I did some decorating while DH watched. Then DS talked to him and convinced him that he needed to shave. DH was able to shave himself partially and DS carefully finished the job. Then I was able to get his teeth brushed. He looked so much better after that and I think he felt better too. He thanked us for helping him. He said he was tired so DS talked to him and coaxed him onto his bed for a nap. We told him we were going to run some errands and would be back later. He started to protest but then he said okay. I was beyond relieved when we left! Also, the aide told us DH had entertained everyone the night before by singing. When he was finished, everyone clapped! She commented on what a good voice he has. He sang in the church choir for over fifty years and he still has a very nice voice. He is starting to eat a little better too. I don't know if every visit will be like this one but I am so very grateful it went well yesterday. DS will be leaving at the end of the week. He has been a tremendous help to me by helping me clean out and sort through mounds of papers that DH has saved over the years. I am praying that the next time I visit on my own DH will be as settled as he was yesterday.

Dear M1, I know you understand what it is like. You have been through so much this last year and a half. I think of you so often. Thank you again dear friends for being here and for all your support.

Brenda

Ed1937

Brenda, I'm glad to hear the good news! I also hope your next visit will be as good. And it's really good to know your son is around to help you. I hope you're healing a little more now.

Beachfan

Brenda,

I’m happy to hear that your visit went well and hope it keeps up. Hopefully, DH will acclimate little by little and you can rest, recuperate, and just enjoy being his wife and love on him without worry. Although DH was always clean, well loved and well cared for at his MCF, I would give him a fresh shave and spiff up his hair at each visit. He didn’t need it, probably didn’t appreciate it, but I enjoyed giving him the extra care. Try to enjoy your visits; they are good memories for me.

wose

It’s so nice to hear positive comments. It must be wonderful to have your DS with you. I hope you enjoy your visit with him and get some much needed rest. Good thoughts onward💙

M1

Such good news Brenda. And yes indeed, i get it. Am so glad your son was here too. That's great that he sang! Bodes well for his adjustment.

I am dreading tomorrow. Fear i am going to be too emotional for my own good. Can't stop the tears today.

ThisLife

M1, ((hugs))).

Petra2024

Brenda, I hope you’re healing well. So sorry for all you’re going through but it sounds like you’re handling it as well as anyone could. Pneumonia is so debilitating on its own, that’s a huge hurdle even without the move to memory care. It sounds like things are going better — I do hope that trend continues.

I’ve been with my DH for 50 years and this comment of yours struck me so strongly. I’d not had words for this feeling but your words rang so true. Thank you for sharing your thoughts:

“He left me. He didn't mean to or want to but Alzheimer's took him away from me.”