He did it again and I lost my cool.

mrahope

My DH has been showing signs of anger and agitation pretty frequently around the issue of driving. As background, we took his car away about a year ago, and I'm so afraid he'll try to drive mine that I'm literally sleeping with the keys under my pillow, and showering with them in the drawer in the bathroom.

He insisted this week that he was going to renew his license and made an appointment with the DMV, or so he said. I never believed for one moment he'd actually done this, and I used a fiblet when he asked if I'd take him there. Big mistake. I realized this too late. He came in to my room the next day and wanted me to take him to the DMV, because he'd surely pass the test and be able to drive again. This was despite two doctors (former PCP and neuro) telling him not to drive. When he kept insisting, I got angry and told him that he was truly frightening me. His response was that, "I'm leaving you.". He then called two different rideshare vehicles to come to our house. No way would he be safe in such a situation. I called my DS and he literally had to come and tell DH that he could not go, and stand in the way of him getting in the rideshare vehicle.

I just don't understand how he could have had the executive function to do this. By this morning he was begging me to forgive him. He also was back to baseline.

I don't think this is ALZ, but some other type of thing. We're looking into MC right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Mint

Im so very sorry. Though I deal with different issues than you deal with , i still feel your pain.

WIGO23

I am so sorry this happened. It sounds like you were in a very tough situation but doing your best to keep everyone safe. Sometimes that is all we can do.

Joydean

So sorry you are having to deal with this but glad your son is close enough he can come to help you. I think you are doing the right thing in looking into MC. Prayers for you!

ButterflyWings

Very sorry you all are going through this. It is entirely possible that this is indeed just part of his dementia progression. Also, it may be that he has a silent urinary tract infection.

DH went through a period where his behavior was cantankerous and off the charts which was entirely due to a low grade uti that wasn't cleared by the first 2 rounds of antibiotic. They had to do culture and change the antibiotic before we got it under control. And yes, his mood swings and wild behavior were hard to believe and also hard for me to stay 2 steps ahead of him.

LaneyG

mrahope I can so relate. Sounds so similar to what we regularly go thru but he has never gone as far to call a ride share. I have been tackling this one with a one day at a time approach with hope that this issue will just go away. Because he insisted I’ve been trying to arrange a travel assessment thinking he will fail. Haven’t gotten a call back. Based on some threads not sure of it would help or make things worse. I’m just intentionally procrastinating on that one. The day may come where a 911 call will be needed. I have found myself wondering if anyone else has had to dial police over driving issue and how it worked out.

Nowhere

MRA Hope,

Yes, I relate and understand what you’re going through. My husband was very resourceful on his phone well into the disease before he lost the how to’s to use it. And if he didn’t have his phone he’d be relentlessly distraught, as his phone had been his compass. He could not work the tv changer, but he could be resourceful on his phone, taking photos, checking the weather, calendar, and calling contacts. He became paranoid and delusional and could make doctor appointments and not tell me, call 911 on me, and would search calling 411 for buses. Boy, he wanted so badly to escape the hell he was experiencing. He obsessed on the DMV, too, insisting the test was rigged. He passed on the third try. I was astonished and truly thought the attendant felt sorry for him and gave him a pass.He could be very charming. Of course I didn’t let him drive, and so I became know as a control freak and he wanted out of our marriage. This period was the only time in my life I experienced rage, as the stage was excruciating for both of us.

For the record, I had to become that control freak to keep him safe and out of trouble. I would log into his cell phone when he was sleeping and slowly remove contacts, except immediate familly, kept an eye on his searches, and eventually (he was in a facility by then) turn off cellular because of his abusive texts to me. These texts were intertwined with please forgive me loving ones. And I’d use texts to try and send reasurring messages of love to remind him we missed him and would visit soon.

Talk to his doctor and if his primary won’t prescribe something, seek a behavioral dementia specialist. We found a geriatric doctor who led us to the above. It helped to keep him home awhile longer.

M1

mra it was the driving issue that led to my partner's hospitalization and placement. She threatened to come after me with a knife if i wouldn't give her the keys, she was obsessed with buying pet food for our cats. To this day she says she's going to leave and go to Texas as soon as she finds her truck. I just nod and try to distract.

ButterflyWings

@M1 I remember when this was unfolding for you. Knowing how frightening that experience is, since I dealt with some life threatening days and nights with the hallucinations and delusions and weaponing up too, you will probably recall.

Although DH only made veiled threats to me, like "you'd better not be here when I wake up", or the time I overheard him talking to the furniture one terrifying night asking the armoire if it had killed me? (I lay there beside him holding my breath when I awoke to hear that conversation of one (DH), and his imagined companion)...it is frightening and very serious what this disease can cause. And that had nothing to do with the car.

He was so serious about driving I had to hide my involvement completely and it took months plus some exhausting and expensive maneuvers that I was very lucky to pull off with a few unseen helpers, to eventually remove the visual trigger. The last time he mentioned it, he was certain it had been stolen and I promised to follow up with the authorities to track it down (so he would not). Eventually he forgot. But that is not an option for everyone, e.g. you needed the vehicles for your property.

I recall thinking and praying you would be safe M1, knowing first hand how SUPER challenging it was for me to disappear all the knives, hammers, a firearm, bat, the big sharp yard tools he'd gathered behind the bedroom door, etc. And I only had to deal with less than 2000 sq feet and a garage, whereas you were dealing with a farm with several outhouses and a LO with sharpshooter skills I believe. No way to keep you and her safe and together, and no great alternatives to support dementia sufferers (I am including PWDs, spouses, partners, other primary family caregivers in this category.)

So very glad you are able to visit her in MC now at least, but this disease and the lack of any real safety net for those of us caught in its clutches, is just a one way trip to hell on earth for all parties. All we can do is try to keep our spirits up as best we can, and theirs as well, when possible.

mrahope

Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories with me. I realize just how widespread these problems are. Some years ago I remember seeing an ad for a car company with the tagline, "It's not just your car, it's your freedom." It seems many of our LOs take this literally. FWIW, in our state there is a form you can submit to the DMV stating that you think the person is unsafe to drive and why. The DMV is not allowed (legally) to divulge who sent them the form. My DS is working on this form right now, in the unlikely event he ever manages to get keys to another vehicle. We're circling the wagons to protect him, and me.

M1

MRA, my heart goes out to you, as I know in spades how hard this is. I am glad your son is there to help you---I'm sure he does not want to lose both parents to this disease.

Our transition to memory care has been extremely difficult and still is. However, I would offer you the hope that if you are relieved of the constant day to day supervision, you may be able to go back to being just the one to love on him and spoil him when you visit. I try to do that. It's not enough and there have been many, many complicating factors, but I offer you that hope. There is mercy in their not remembering. She now doesn't remember anything about our life together, our farm, our families. There is still a lot of friction about her wanting to leave the MC facility and wanting to be with me, but she doesn't remember anything from day to day.