Don't think I'm the caregiver type...

ginateresa

Hi everyone,

I don't get on here often, but do appreciate the support and I read alot of the comments on other discussions I can relate to.

I just would like some input on something that is troubling me. Mom has taken a turn for the worse...I find myself wanting to avoid her, hide or leave for an errand. I don't have patience with her hallucinations and can't bring myself to act like they are real for her sake. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. I'm not going to tell her that what she is seeing is real when it's not.

I don't think I'm cut out or wired to be a caregiver. But, the only other options are for her to be in a facility full time or move in with my brother. (My sister is a new caregiver for her husband who just became a paraplegic a couple of years ago, so she can't help.) I seriously doubt my sister in law will allow her to move in with them.

So, knowing the only other option is to put her in full time care is tearing up my heart. It is also riddling me with guilt. (although I told my sister last year that I would live with guilt over this situation for the rest of my life...no matter what)

I just can't handle it....I feel like it is killing me inside slowly. I'm not even the same person I was before I moved in with her in July 2022. I feel so sorry for her, but I also feel dread when I have to deal with her. Doesn't that sound AWFUL?

I appreciate your thoughts...maybe it will help me process mine..... :(

M1

It doesn't sound awful at all, it sounds truthful. I look forward to my partner's death so that she is released from this torture--does that sound awful? We are too hard on ourselves.

There is no shame in not being cut out for this very difficult and thankless task--remember, the folks in the facilities get paid to do it, and work 8-12 hour shifts, not 24/7 like family members do.

Go ahead and investigate facilities and don't feel guilty about it. You are doing this for her, not to her. The disease is the ultimate culprit, not you.

Quilting brings calm

There is NO shame in admitting you aren’t caregiver material. What you do is admit that and search for an option that provides care from someone else. Facilities are good options. They are always staffed. With teams of people who do this for a living and then go home and have lives when they are off duty. You become the advocate handling things that are needed but allow you to have a life too.

My parents have been in assisted living for over four years. I’m there at least once a week. More when it’s a week with doctor appointments for one of them( I transport and attend the appointments). I often do grocery shopping, personal shopping, etc. I call every day or every other day and talk to the facility nurse weekly. I handle their bills etc. I just cannot have them in my home or be their 24/7 caregiver.

psg712

You will still be your mom's primary advocate, even if she moves to a facility. My mom was in AL for just under 2 years, recently moved to MC. I'm involved in many of the same ways that Qbc mentioned above.

Researching and placing her in the best environment IS caring for her. I have done it both ways - cared for my MIL in my home for 7 years until her passing, now have my own mom in a facility. MIL had some small age-related cognitive changes, but her needs were primarily for physical care. Actual dementia is a completely different ballgame. We were not in a position to provide the 24/7 supervision that my mother needs. We seriously considered it, but we had to weigh all the factors, and the answer was quickly apparent.

There will be people in your life who want you to heap guilt on yourself for making a decision that meets your mom's increasing needs as well as supports your own mental health. Thank them for their concern and then toss their comments in the imaginary trash. Those who really want to support you will listen and love you regardless of your decision. They know that you are doing the best you can in an awful situation.

Azinn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68140/dont-think-im-the-caregiver-type

You are doing what's best you, your mother, and your family...there is no need to feel guilty about that. Being a caregiver especially to a family member with health and/or mental decline is definitely not for everyone and I think that if a lot of caregivers really felt they had good other options for their loved ones, they probably wouldn't settle into the caregiver role either. It takes a lot of patience, if can drive you crazy, and takes a lot of time. I assist my sister with caregiving for our mother who lives with my sister and I feel like I am planning my life around having to help her. I no longer feel like my life is my own so I completely understand.

Sapphire68

You can only do so much. You are only one person. It can take a toll on you mentally and physically when caring for a LOWD. I cared for my mom along with my sister and kept my mom in her home until she passed because she wanted that. But we had begun looking in to respite care for her not long before she passed away. Hospice did come in and that helped a lot as well. I work as a care giver and I can tell you that a facility will have round the clock care and will have people that deal with it daily that will be rotating shifts versus you being with her 24/7. Don't feel guilty if you have to place her somewhere.