Dad thinks I am my mom

heidijudd

I need recommendations on how to deal with this ... dad called me tonight in tears saying how much he missed me and wished we could still be married. I gently said, daddy, it's me, your daughter. I think you might be thinking about mom...I tried to change the subject, tried to talk about what a great marriage he had with mom, told him I was married and had been married to my husband for 40 years...nothing worked. I am the only family member locally, my sister passed away in 2023. We live about 20 mins from his facility so I am able to go visit several times a week. Do I stop going to see him so often so he isn't getting confused about my regular presence? He has become very dependent on me for most things, calls me about 10x/day so I can see how this would be easily confused and I look very much like my mother! If you have experience with this, how long did it last? Is this a "phase" or just a behavior that has to be managed? When he was hospitalized before moving him to the community he lives in now, he thought I was his wife then as well. It's so hard and makes me very sad to hear him crying and grieving my mother who has been gone since 2012.

SusanB-dil

Hi heidijudd - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for a LO to mistake us for someone else, especially another family member. My mom thinks I am her sister. With family resemblance, she is sure of that. I just go with the flow. I know it is a bit different in your case that he thinks you are his wife.

Perhaps instead of trying to correct your dad, especially when on the phone, just simply go with the flow and tell him that you will see him soon. Fiblets are our friends. You can tell him that mom is on vacation (with her sister/aunt/friend) and will be back next week. Repeat as necessary. In most cases, this is kinder than having them grieve over and over again.

heidijudd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197956#Comment_197956

Thank you for your input! I know it is so hard to "repeat grieve" when they forget that a LO has passed. I thought about that when we were talking on the phone but I was not sure how to address why I was not with him at the moment, no longer living with him generally...then the next time I see him would he belive I was mom? I know there is not way to answer that and that's what makes this so very hard.