Dad has passed

ripscott

Dad passed away last week. Even though he was 102 and he had been on hospice for 4 months, I really didn’t think he was going to die so soon. Hospice never once said it was coming until the day before he passed – I think they knew my sister and I were doing everything we could to keep him going when they just kept saying this is how it goes and they knew we didn’t want to hear that. Denial on my part, I guess. For some reason right after the first of the year he stopped eating. It kept progressing until his last week when he didn’t eat anything at all, he just slept 24/7. Hospice nurses said he was comfortable- how do they really know? He talked less and less as the month moved on and that made it hard not to be able to communicate with him. People say you had him a long time and most don’t make it until 102. That’s true, but because we had him for so long it might hurt more. His quality of life wasn’t good, I know that, but it seemed like his final downturn happened so fast and then he was gone. The last few years all our time and energy was spent keeping him going. Every obstacle that came up we overcame- he couldn’t use the bathroom anymore, we used adult depends and we cleaned him, he couldn’t walk anymore, I could lift him and transfer him from the bed to his chair or wheelchair and we got a ramp to get him outside, he couldn’t feed himself anymore, we could feed him. When he stopped eating and drinking we had no work around. He would take the food but seemed like he didn’t know how to chew or swallow. He was just skin and bones when he passed- it was hard to look at.

It's an awful disease and keeping your loved one home and going thru all the stages is the hardest thing ever. I wish I had been more patient at times. When he was going thru his aggressive stage, I should have been more patient with him. I knew in my head it was the disease but at 3AM and he wouldn’t quiet down or when he wouldn’t let me clean him after a BM I didn’t have the patience that I should have. It’s over now and I can’t change things. He never seemed to remember, but I still feel so guilty.

For everyone still on this long road, be patient. Take advantage of the good days and know that there are going to be bad days. You will make mistakes – I probably made more mistakes than I did things right- but try not to beat yourself up over them. No one can tell you exactly how long the road will be. Try to get some extra help- you are going to need it. Maybe if my sister and I had got some outside help we wouldn’t have felt so stressed and we would have been better caregivers. I see the point that many have made on this forum that when they moved their LO to a facility they no longer had to be the bad guy. But I am also convinced that if we had moved him to a nursing home he would not have survived as long. No facilities around here have enough help and there is no way they would have been able to keep him clean, fed, and calm. I think they would have had him drugged up in order to manage him. We got Dad up, dressed, and out to the kitchen everyday, right up until the last week.  Hospice can help with some things but even with their help you are still the day to day, hour to hour, go to person.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I don’t expect anyone is still reading. I guess I needed to get some things off my chest. Good luck to everyone 

JeriLynn66

Ripscott, thank you for pouring out your heart. Your Dad was blessed with loving care from you and your sister. May you both find peace and comfort in the coming days. My deepest condolences to you and yours.

SusanB-dil

Hi ripscott - sorry to hear dad has passed. I think the hospice nurses do know when a person is comfortable. Do not think that you could have had more patience. There are times I know I don't have the patience I should, but you (and those still going through this) can only take so much. We do our best and trudge on. You know you did your best and dad was blessed to have you.

and yes - I think most of us read to the end... because it can help knowing the rest of us are not alone.

mommyandme (m&m)

I understand and I’m very sorry for the loss of your dear father. Hospice knows when a patient is peaceful and calm that they are comfortable, that’s their job. You’d know too. No moaning, clenching, grimacing, flailing, crying, tightening limbs etc… is a peaceful death. Unfortunately, some are not at peace and are terminally agitated. I’m glad you were able to be with him throughout to the end and I know he was too. Take good care of you and yours.

Bebobra

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

terei

If you have not, please read Being Mortal. It might help you come to terms with the loss of your father.

psg712

Very sorry for your loss. One hundred two! Blessings on you as you grieve.

Anonymousjpl123

I’m so sorry for your loss, but glad he had you with him on this journey. Please take care of yourself in the coming days and weeks and months. Grief is hard no matter what.