I Cant go on caring for my mom..

Alexbear

Hello, I am new here and just need to vent/ask for advice and resources I can look into to help me better care for my mom, who has been diagnosed with dementia since 2019. Like many, she began by repeating herself, forgetting to turn off the stove, etc. Since 2020, to keep her safe from COVID-19, she moved in with me and my family (my husband and teenage daughter). Her condition has progressed a bit in the last two years. I have been working from home since 2020, so I spend every day all day with her, working and getting her meals ready so she doesn't eat because she forgets she already eats, making sure she showers and changes, all while I get my work done. I have become resentful of her because my life and that of my family has drastically changed. We cannot just pick up and go anymore. It requires thinking about what we are going to do with her while we're out. In the last year, my husband has become less and less patient with her. He is constantly agitated with her. As she gets worse, he gets worse with her. And I understand him; he does try hard to support me, but I can tell he wants our lives back. Plus, she recently has been sundowning a lot, not letting us sleep. During my last visit with her to the doctor, I mentioned I was considering placing her in an MC living facility and learned that through Medi-cal, the wait can be up to a year (we do not have the resources to pay for care on our own). I don’t want to do another year of this. I have one brother who does not have the space or willingness to have her over for more than a week. Since I work from home, I feel I don't get a break from her. She makes my work challenging sometimes because she interrupts me when I am on work calls and meetings. My husband has a very stressful and demanding job; I know he misses the days when it was just us and our daughter. I also recently look into a daycare facility, where she can go for a few hours and even that is not a speedy process either, because it also has to be applied for and approved by Medical. Thank you for allowing me the space to share this. I love my mom, but I know I can not be a good care taker for her anymore. I don’t want to anymore. Is too much. The toll is taken on my mental health and family I don’t know can be repaired.

M1

welcome to the forum--this is so hard. I wonder if your local Council on Aging might help you find resources. There is also a 24/7 free Alzheimer's Association hotline-1-800-272-3900, ask to speak to a care consultant.

Sapphire68

Have you looked in to getting someone to come in for home health? A lot of agencies will have aides/nurses that can come in during the week. It would likely be private pay so you'd have to pay them per hour but there are people out there willing to do it. Also, I would talk to her doctor about referring you to someone who might be able to help.

jfkoc

It can be too much.

Please start your search for placement now because your current living arrangement is not going to get easier.

three4rd

I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with. My Dad passed from issues related to (never fully diagnosed) dementia, and my Mom was his primary caregiver for a few years till she knew she couldn't do it anymore and then my Dad was in a MC unit for the last part of his life. You need to think about your and your DH's quality of life. It doesn't imply that you have less love for your Mom. It's easy to take on guilt but there comes a time where intervention is needed for the overall good of everyone involved. We knew that was the case with my Dad.

I'd like to ask you though, relative to the discussion I just posted, does your Mom have any hallucinations? My brother and I are going through this situation right now with my aunt and we're most concerned about these things that she claims she sees and hears that aren't real. We're not sure exactly what we're dealing with in our situation.

Prayers that you find the help you surely need. 🙏

Alexbear

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198134#Comment_198134

Thank you! will definitely take that advice.