walking on eggshells~

kgorlick

I am finding that I have to be so careful how I say things or react to things. It will take nothing for my DH to make a rapid turn to thinking I'm angry at him or that I don't want to be around him. Two examples: I asked him to feed the dogs. He seems to get confused about how to do what he's done a million times. When he started to do it wrong I just gently said to hold on and I'll help him with it. Then all of a sudden he gets upset and says I'm mad at him. Another time yesterday, after dinner I usually do a few things like go on my computer or something else, and he came in asking what we were doing now. I said he could do whatever he felt like and then when I was done we could watch some TV. That totally set him off into him thinking I didn't want to be around him or that we didn't have a "plan". He's very into having a schedule which we never had before. Anyway, it's more about feeling like I'm walking on eggshells and it's exhausting. Thanks for "listening"! Have a good day, all~ k

M1

k, I remember these days. Here's the thing: sadly, you can't ask him to do things any more and have to learn other workarounds. Having done it a million times doesn't carry over. I remember being shocked when my partner, who built this house, couldn't remember which kitchen drawer the forks were in.

What you are experiencing is that he is now completely reliant on you for all the cues that used to be internal. "Shadowing" is the result, where he wants to be with you all the time because he doesn't have any other clues. Maybe it would help to come up with some different responses, and some "failsafe" activities that he could do--such as sweeping, wiping the counters, acuuming (my partner loved this one), sorting screws, folding laundry--for which there isn't a corrective. To him, being told he can do whatever he likes is probably like being thrown in a pond and unable to swim. He doesn't understand your need for personal time. It's hearbreaking. Just trying to throw out ideas that may help you think about it differently.

If he wants a schedule, would he participate in a day program do you think? Would give you a break.....

bonkey

Our adult day care is a godsend. I never thought my husband would go ( and a million years ago, he wouldn't have, wouldn't needed to, but you know ...he doesn't remember a thing when I pick him up but he likes it, and I take him 3 days a week 4 hours a day, that's enough. The staff always give him a big warm welcome, and it's been great

CindyBum

This has begun for me as well, kgorlick. The shadowing and needing to be by my side has increased a bunch, as has my DW's confusion and upset if I'm not right next to her.

One of my best friends is a PhD in childhood development and her husband also has dementia. She suggested that I use techniques I might use with a toddler, because that's about where both of our spouses currently are.

Now, when my DW wants to help with something, I give her a task I might give my little nephew. With the, "What can I do to help?" question from her, I say, "Sure, can you please sweep that spot over there?", or "Can you break up these sticks". Small tasks with no real impact on the outcome of the project. But, she feels included, is right by me on the work, and I avoid her repeat requests from her to come inside and sit down next to her to continue watching every episode of "Friends" ever made, for the 3rd time through all the seasons. 🤪 It has really worked. Not 100% mind you, but most of the time.

Cecil Jones

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198094#Comment_198094

I bought all the DVDs of Friends and The Big Bang Theory in January of 2021. Over and over and over and over. I just paused Friends year 8 where Joey does an interview. On my third DVD player! Gotta laugh or cry!

CindyBum

Hahaha, Cecil. That's it, exactly.

I'm just glad she hasn't decided we need to rewatch all of NCIS again. 21 seasons of dead bodies. I can live without that!

kgorlick

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198067#Comment_198067

Great suggestions! Thank you. I hired a lady that is coming 2 days a week now for a few hours. They walked, did brain puzzles, and he seemed to be receptive and it gave me a much needed break!

Belle60

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198193#Comment_198193

How did you find that person to come in a couple days a week. I am interested in doing that as well but dont know where to start.

HollyBerry

We're in the same place. No advice right now, just empathy.

kgorlick

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198211#Comment_198211

I'm not sure where you live, I am in Los Angeles. There is a website called Care.com and you can hire caregivers, sitters, dog walkers, etc. I myself have gotten babysitting jobs through them when I was able to work but now I have to be home most of the time with DH.

Belle60

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198325#Comment_198325

Yes I am familiar with Care.com. I will check them out. I am not sure how receptive DH will be to have someone coming in but it is worth exploring. I still work full time. DH is not in the place where he needs 24/7 care but doesn't know how to occupy his time. Also I see the writing on the wall and want to be prepared. I would like to work another year if possible before I retire. Not sure I am will be able to do that thought. Thanks!

ghphotog

Eggshell walking is a skill that to learn but you will never master it.

I've been dealing with my DW misunderstanding me for years. The slightest bit of frustration on my part will send her into hysterics. Hate using that word but don't know of another one that fits as well.

We can no longer go out to dinner as if I sense she is anxious and about to have a meltdown in public the stress gets to me and she senses. We went to BJ's last week and I knew it was a bad idea but thought I would chance it. Anyway the short of it is I just didn't have the patience I needed with her and said the wrong things under my breath and away she went. Screaming, crying and yelling at me while all the other patrons are looking at us probably thinking I must some kind of real jerk.

It wont go away anytime soon so you have to learn to dance around it even though you just want to explode over it at times.

storycrafter

You've probably heard this all too often, but in case you haven't, it's so important I will risk mentioning it (please pardon me if you've already talked about this elsewhere): meds can help a person's quality of life in many cases. It really gives my husband and I some major quality of life and quality of what remains possible in our marriage. For us it's been worth the time and experimenting it takes to find what is helpful. My husband was an emotional and mental basketcase and meds return to him the ability to somewhat organize himself when he's in his safe zone here at home. Good luck and best wishes on this very tough journey. You are not alone.

ImMaggieMae

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198451#Comment_198451

Agree. The right meds can make a huge difference. But it takes a good doctor who has experience with dementia patients. What works for one may not work for another, and a lot of it is experimenting with different ones or combinations. As storycrafter said, it’s definitely worth the time. It has made a major difference in our quality of life as well.

kgorlick

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198327#Comment_198327

Wishing you lots of luck with it! I just can't trust my DH alone even though he still is considered "mild"...