Memory care timing

BPS

I know this has been discussed many times. I want to do what is best for my wife, she is I think early stage 6. I am considering moving her to memory care and I think she would go to "memory rehab" willingly. We have been married for 49 years but the last 20 have not been good. She is not really a lot of work. She sleeps until after noon and then just wants to sit and watch TV. I could go out and she would be OK except that she has delusions of me having an affair if I am not home, so I sit home doing nothing. We have 11 grandkids within 10 miles but I can't do anything with them without upsetting my wife. I am being told by memory care places that is better for someone to move in while they can still start friendships. Is that true or a sells pitch.

Vitruvius

I have heard/read many times about moving in earlier in order to...fill in the blank [make friends, bond with aides, etc.]. In my limited observation of one person, one MCF, I haven't seen this to be true. How well it went for residents that have come into my DW's MCF [those pre stage 7 that is], seem independent of their "earliness", some went well, others didn't. I regrettably had to place my DW when she was late Stage 6e, soon to be Stage 7. I thought it would not go well, but she adapted immediately with no mention by her that being there, as opposed to home, was even noticed by her (which in itself was heartbreaking). She was noticeably more calm and relaxed after placement, it seems home was a trigger for anxiety and confusion. I personally don't think it would have gone as well at a much earlier Stage 6, but I don't really know.

That said, the placement decision is very specific to the PWD and their caregiver. Type of dementia, degree of situational awareness, need for care, need to be kept safe, and so many other things make this a very difficult decision. I also think, as in my DW's case, our LOs are probably farther along than we are willing/able to see. So if you think that placement would be better for your DW, and for yourself, then that is your answer. I didn't place much credence in the sales pitches from MCFs, in fact the better ones I visited had no need for such pitches.

jfkoc

I do not know why a facility would say that but then I m not a professional. It would just make sense to me that people with memory deficits would not do much "bonding".

That said, I do suggest that you get a Plan B in place. ...Start eliminating facilities now rather than later.

A good place to begin in a telephone interview....training program for new as well as continuing staff...what do they think of Teepa Snow or Naomi Feil (if this draws a blank go to the next facility on the list)...ask to have a copy of the contract and licensing agreement sent to you. I would then ask for a copy of the most recent state inspection and the staff/patient ratio.

If you find a facility with no bright red flags I would make a visit...first scheduled then at least one unannounced.

If you can find a support group to attend join up. The people in the group know the good, the bad and the ugly.

-Judith

Joe C.

PBS, For my wife placement when she was stage 6 went well and she developed friendships with other residents and staff right away. Socialization was something I could no longer provide at home but she found it in MC. I remember she immediately bonded with a woman named Susan, my stepdaughter went to visit her sometime to first week and reported back to me she found “DW and Susan huddled up giggling like two little girls up to no good”.