How to deal with some siblings about moving Mom to a memory care facility

DahliaFlower

My Mom has 24/7 home health care for 4 years. She is having more episodes each week and her mobilty is getting worse that she almost needs 2 people to transfer her. My siblings and I are thinking of moving her to a facility. However, 2 siblings out of 5 will reject the idea no matter what and not really thinking about the care that our Mom needs. These 2 have always been the "golden children'. How do we get these 2 on board? Would like to have everybody on board with the decision. What do you do when that doesn't occur? We would have 3 saying it is time. Would just a Majority wotk? 3 out of the 5?? How much repercussions would there be? Thx for any advice!!!!!

M1

Although it would be ideal to have everyone on board, the chances of that happening sound pretty low. Bottom line: whoever holds her power of attorney gets to make the decision. Hopefully, the legal matters have been settled?

Emily 123

As M1 said, the POA.

My opinion, for what it's worth: If there isn't a POA then I guess I'd look at what the primary caregiver's want. Even when there's 24/7 caregivers in the home, someone local still has to run the show and spend the time managing the care, get supplies, etc. If they're in support of the move, then that seems fair.

Also, if the POA wants to continue in-home support and the primary caregivers have reached the end of their rope, I'd hope that the POA wouldn't 'guilt' family into providing care but be amenable to a move to a facility.

Quilting brings calm

i believe I’ve heard that a medical POA could place the person - but then the financial POA would be the one to use the PWD’s money to pay for it. Any other relatives don’t really get to make the decision - although I understand you wanting them to agree to it.

If there’s no POA, then my thoughts are the primary caregiver should get the final say. If the primary caregiver wants to place the person and a sibling objects- that sibling is free to immediately become the 24/7 caregiver or stop objecting.

If the POA doesn’t want to place - then they need to step up and become the primary caregiver or stop objecting. In other words, if they aren’t walking the talk, then they need to stop talking.

mommyandme (m&m)

Hopefully there’s a someone that holds both financial and medical POA. If that person, assume a sibling, is on the side of placing her then that’s how it can happen. Consensus may never occur. This disease can put a strain on many things including family relationships. Your moms safety is top priority. I wonder if the objecting siblings have cared for her for any substantial length of time. If not, they should, especially if their unwillingness to place her means they will become primary caregiver/manager.

Really sorry you’re all in this place.

H1235

The bottom line does come down to who holds to POA. But the problem is bigger than that. This whole dementia thing is tough enough without adding angry feuding siblings to the mix. How do you avoid that and get everyone on the same page? Wish I knew! Some things I’ve tried with varying degrees of success. Present facts ( verbal and maybe written), ask for their ideas on how to solve the problem (if they don’t like yours), give them time to process the situation/information, try to stay calm, is there a compromise? I am the POA, but have tried to avoid using that with my brother unless it’s a last resort. As long as mom is safe. The parent with dementia may also become upset with sibling disputes. Or a sibling my try to turn a parent against you. Can you get something in writing from her home healthcare providers stating they need more help? Is it financially possible to have two healthcare people with her? Could they overlap their schedules? Ask health care team what they need to keep her safe in the home and present that to siblings. Ask siblings how they suggest the problem be solved. Maybe if the hold outs hear the problem from the health care providers they might understand better. I wish you the best of luck in this complicated process. Also know you are not alone.