Helping Mom with finances…

Lisa BS

How do I get my mom to trust me to help her with her finances? She is in middle stage, but insists there’s nothing wrong with her. She goes to the bank and harasses the poor manager there 2 to 3 times a week. She wants to take thousands of dollars out of her account all the time. Technically, she can, but it’s not safe or necessary to do so. Short of going through the awful process of conservatorship, does anybody have any recommendations? She constantly tells me to mind my own business and that she doesn’t need any help. What makes it even more difficult is I live in a different state and am an only child. Thank you in advance for any suggestions.

M1

Hi Lisa. Read up on anosognosia, this is actually an aspect of the disease that prevents her from recognizing her deficits.

I take it she won't grant you power of attorney? Have you talked to a certified elder law attorney? Sometimes those with experience may have suggestions about how to talk her into it. Look at nelf.org for lists by location.

I would also talk very frankly with the bank manager. They are probably just as concerned as you are, and if this is someone your mother trusts, they may be able to convince her to at least make you a signatory on her accounts. Vthat would help, because you could have remote access and could set up automatic bill paying that way.

So sorry you are facing this. There are folks here whose loved ones have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars because they did not intervene soon enough. While not in that range, i had to intervene to prevent my partner from writing thousands and thousands of dollars' worth of checks to animal charities in the years before she went to memory care, and had to take away her credit cards to keep her from answering every phone solicitation from the Veterans, Fire, and police charities (they still call my landline multiple times a day and won't quit, even when I tell them she no longer lives here).

Read a lot of threads and you will learn a lot. It's very hard to address all the issues long distance, and you should likely be prepared to have to change that and face her unwillingness over the long haul. But this forum can help you do that.

Edited to add: is she driving? Another very scary, very high stakes issue. If she can't manage her finances, she probably doesn't have the judgement to be behind the wheel.

Lisa BS

Thank you so much for your advice. I am working with the kind bank manager and it looks like, while I have PoA, I am going to have to work more aggressively. Mom is a tough cookie who absolutely suffers from anosognosia. It’s been rough. Thanks again!

M1

Very hard to exercise that poa on your parent i know. I wonder that since you have it, the bank would agree to move her assets to an account she can't access and leave only certain small funds available to her? Don't even know if that's feasible and probably not possible for Social Security funds unless you are also her Representative Payee. FWIW, most investment companies will not recognize a general poa and you may have to fill out their proprietary forms (you may already know this).

The anger we encounter is hard to stomach. My partner resisted all of this furiously (she was an accomplished business woman), but she was not terribly computer savvy, so I told her truthfully that most people now expected online transactions and that i was happy to act as her executive assistant. That eventually worked, as she got worse, except for the charities and solicitations previously mentioned. I had to hide the incoming mail, and would tell her i would mail checks for her and then tear them up; she never knew the difference because she couldn't read a bank statement by that point.

BassetHoundAnn

The manager of my mom's bank branch had a talk with my mom, as she was coming in regularly arguing with the tellers about her CDs. She convinced her to put my name on her accounts and let me take over her finances. Then she called me, explained the situation, and sent me all the paperwork, directing that the statements be mailed to me. A wonderful woman.

This did not head off all problems. An employee at that same branch signed my mom up for credit and debit cards, much to my anger. But it was a good first step.

My mother's neighbor also talked positively to her about the value of letting me take over her finances and put all her bills on autopay.

Taking over a parent's finances can be a long, tough process. Emphasize to your mom that you'll be simplifying her life. Promise to show her all the bills and statements every month so she can oversee your work. My mom ultimately felt a sense of relief that I took over her financial affairs.

H1235

You’re in a tough spot being long distance. She may still be able to live alone, but how do you really know. My mom is just past this stage. It’s a time when everything needs to be monitored often. Is she eating properly, managing medication, laundry and housekeeping? I would be very concerned about the driving. This in between stage is difficult to navigate. They don’t want to give up any independence and are often very angry when faced with it. My mom responds well when a doctor says she shouldn’t be doing something, but will fight my brother and I. Someone else said their loved one was very worried about being a burden and that could be use.( by saying it would be easier for me if…) Find what works for you and your mom. I would also start planning for what’s to come. It may be easier to move her now than later. Good luck.

psg712

I agree with all of the above. My mom was a bookkeeper and had worked in accounting offices, was VERY meticulous (and private) about her financial affairs. Having trouble reconciling her bank statements was one of our first red flags, but of course she never asked for help. By the time I caught on, long distance at that time, she was in real trouble.

Mom was angry about my interference. I too had conversations with a bank manager. She was a great source of guidance. I did promise my mom that I'd mail copies of her bank statements to her after I made everything online - thankfully, she never got the hang of online banking and I changed passwords just in case. I mailed those statements for 2 months, then she forgot about them and I stopped.

I agree that the middle stage is hardest. It's hard to see a LO progress to more advanced stages, but one of the unexpected blessings for me was the end of these kinds of fights. She wouldn't recognize her checkbook if I handed it to her. She never asks anything about her finances anymore. Whew.

catminor

The finances was the first big sign with my Mom that I needed to step in, but there were smaller signs along the way. She was very stubborn and resistant to me helping her when I was living close to her, but as soon as I moved back to California, suddenly she asked me to take over paying her bills.

That began the whirlwind, and I definitely became much more aggressive with planning her care - from finances and polishing all the legals in April, to moving her across the country to a RCF close to me by December. Her resistance didn't necessarily lessen; I just put my foot down and took charge, because that is what will now keep her safe, comfortable, and receiving the care she needs, as well as being close enough for me to both spend time with her, and supervise her care.

I encourage you to act as quickly as you're able to. This disease can move faster that I could have ever believed.