Public restroom use

Buggytoo

When there is no family restroom available and my DH uses the men's room, it often takes him an eternity. I get worried and anxious. When he finally emerges he'll tell me that he had a lot of poop and it took forever to clean up. Is there any appropriate way for me to help him in a public restroom?

gampiano

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68208/public-restroom-use

Oh this is such a stressful situation, In remember it well. When there were only gender specific restrooms, I brought my husband into the ladies room, and into the handicapped stall. Sometimes I would briefly explain and women were always sympathetic to the situation. "my husband has dementia /alzheimers and I cant leave him alone" (at least he told you about the dilemma, that's a plus right there) I always had cleaning supplies (no rinse washcloths and a change of depends in my bag)

Good luck,

Maureen

eaglemom

This is always a difficult situation to know how to handle properly. When available I always have DH use the family restroom. But alas, not everywhere has family restrooms available, thus this is where, as caregivers, we have to decide how to handle the situation. I will say over our ALZ journey I've become bolder on my choices!! I will say I'm very fortunate that when DH needs a restroom he doesn't care what name is on the door - he just needs to take care of his business and get out of their.

All of that to say I've ventured into several men's restrooms and DH has been in several women's restrooms. I announce myself prior to going into the men's restroom, trying to wait until I don't think many are in there. I will say I've had a security guard tell me I can't stand outside of a men's restroom. I just looked at him & said I could, my DH was inside. He looked at me & walked off. Ya, not a big threat. Another time I had a police officer (at the airport) waiting for us as we walked out of the women's restroom. He tried to use his authority to scare me & all it did was make me mad! I ask if someone complained, no, he'd seen DH go in with me. I questioned why he didn't stop him at that point, he didn't respond. I then ask him where is a family restroom? Of course he didn't know. I very politely told him he didn't know because there wasn't one. I showed the officer we both had on our Medic Alert bracelets and I was doing the very best I could do, and I felt taking DH in the women's was a much better choice than me going into the men's restroom. He totally agreed & wished us safe traveling!

You have to be prepared to be prepared!

eagle

ButterflyWings

I have never been challenged or accosted but I have received some side-eye glances. But most people ignore me as long as I say something like what gampiano mentioned: "Apologies, my husband needs my help".

Interestingly, one resort restaurant we visited, asked that I please take him to the men's room. They felt it was better for me to occupy that space than to have a man (even harmless and unaware of anything) in the ladies' room. We were abroad, so I think it may have been a cultural thing and trusted that they knew best.

I have definitely liberated my share of truck stop men's rooms and sometimes announce myself as "housekeeping!". And he has been the lone guy in many ladies' rooms. I can't leave him in wet or soiled incontinence briefs or his clothes could get soaked with overflow, or skin breakdown occurs.

That can lead to weeks of careful extra frequent hygiene and slathering zinc cream, etc. to avoid him having pain or heaven forbid a pressure sore developing and maybe getting infected. It is something I learned when an aide decided to leave him sitting *in poop for 3 hours and I learned how quickly it caused his skin sensitivity.

My embarrassment went out the window the first time DH exited a public men's room by a different door, and made it to the parking lot on a sub-zero day -- while I dutifully waited until every other guy came out the entrance, but no DH. Finally someone responded to my "hallo...hubby, are you done?" to let me know it was empty. Scary day. I finally found him that day, and got him in the car and warmed up sufficiently.

That was my wake up call that, although he could still physically get his pants down and back up at that time, and could technically wash his hands (though he might not, or might flush just about anything down the toilet) -- he was nonetheless at the point of needing my supervision for toileting. We've been a package deal ever since. Thank goodness for family or unisex restrooms!

Lorita

When my husband was still with me, if he needed a restroom. I took him to whichever one was available- mens or womens. We never had one complaint from men or women. People understand- chances are they have a relative or friend with dementia.

Don't be enbarassed.One time we were in the men's room at the library, not in a stall,not needed and a man came in and went in the stall. No problem. We finished and left. You going in with them is better than something such as Butterfly wings experienced or us being worried to death. We never went anywhere without a bag with any supplies we might need including a pair of pants.Charles even carried it.

ghphotog

That also was always a stressful situation for me. If we went anywhere, which was several times a week so I didn't have to cook, it was mid-afternoon when most places during week days were fairly quiet.

Only a few times she had to use the restroom in a womens only restroom and I would have to go in to help her. Then came the point where she could absolutely not use the restroom by herself and once we were at Red Robin, it was slow but still a few people, an understanding waitress, stood guard for us while we were in there. By then they knew us pretty well but not the dementia side, possibly they figured it out as I always ordered for her. We haunted the same three places during the week for years until it was just no longer aon option for us to go in and sit down.

Had to go in a time or two to check on my mom when she was taking so long. Most women understood what was happening and just smiled because they knew I was caring for an elderly parent.

Always stressful for me especially when she became dbl Incontinent.

ImMaggieMae

In the early days of incontinence it may have been stressful but now I just check to see which one is cleaner (usually the ladies room) or less busy, and go in with my husband. If anyone else is in there, I just say, “My husband needs my help” and have never been questioned. I always carry a bag with supplies including clean clothing items and nod to that while I’m talking. I can’t leave him alone and I try to get him into a restroom at least every 2 hours just to check, even if he isn’t sending signals that he’s wet.

Joydean

I think the first time taking my dh in the ladies restroom felt embarrassing to me but he just had to go and that’s all he knew. I carry my emergency bag all the time because never know when. Family restrooms are better but sadly there doesn’t seem to be very many of them. None of it is embarrassing anymore.

jfkoc

One toilet? I would use men's. More than one? I would use handicapped stall in the women's.