Need ideas on how to get Dad through moving day...

LesWatson

Have really enjoyed the questions and commentary on this site so far! Like many similar situations I've read about here, Mom's ready to move, Dad doesn't want to, and doesn't understand why Mom wants to - we've tried many explanations, but it's clear Dad doesn't quite understand - he seems to think his "things" (he likes to collect arrowheads and antiques, and loves the cat!) will be left behind at the current house and he's adamant that his things stay at the current house...no idea how he'll respond when the movers actually show up? He has seen "Mom's apartment" and thinks she'll love it there, but he's not going...movers have been coming to the house to give quotes, Mom has been packing things and de-cluttering, she's not trying to hide a thing - I've read ideas about not having Dad around while the movers pack up and such, but that just seems deceptive to Mom and myself (I'm loving son) and some folks have opined that it's just going to be tough for a week or so, and there's no way to sugarcoat it with Dad - any thoughts are much appreciated!

Quilting brings calm

I really suggest that he is taken out of the house on moving day before the movers arrive. Take him anywhere and then over to the apartment ( fib that it’s to visit mom) once the furniture ( and his treasures ) arrive there.

If he doesn’t want to move, he’s capable of throwing a sit-in on a piece of furniture or the floor and refusing to move. At that point, what will you do? You cannot man-handle him up and into the car. The movers might call the police on you.

Once the items are moved, then he has no real option. He can’t live in an empty home, Then you just deal with the yelling and the pouting.

I know you think this is deceptive. However if he’s watching your mom pack and he has not realized that he’s moving…then he’s past the point of you trying to explain it while the movers are there.

M1

Welcome to the forum. I think you could be setting yourself up for trouble. Can you as the dear son (or a sibling of yours or his?) take him out for the day before the movers show up, keep him entertained , and then deliver him to the new place in the evening or the next day, even? With someone prepared to watch him so he doesn't try to elope? Yes it's going to be rough, but involving him in the move is probably more than his broken brain can handle. It's not so much about deception as about kindness and compassion.

LesWatson

Good stuff - we're all only children, but we can summon some help from neighbors and such I'd think - he's rarely out of the house (maybe an hour or so max at a time), so if we get him off-site for a time period, that will be odd for him as well, but still maybe better situation than him being there when the movers will show up...Mom is talking with some senior care folks via Dad's Dr's office, I'll definitely have her get some opinions from the staff as well...and I'll have Mom get an estimate of the time period needed from furniture pickup to delivery and setup in the new place - the new facility is super nice, maybe we can even entertain him there for awhile too...we'll work on some combination of staying busy that day as long as we can! Thanks for the input!

harshedbuzz

I have quite a bit of experience moving parents in which one has dementia. BTDT. I will echo the advice given so far. I am of the opinion that one does not loop in a PWD who doesn't have the cognition and reasoning skills to make logical decisions and whose opinions carry no weight except to make those taking necessary steps feel badly or even suffer the consequences of ramped up behaviors. Full stop.

After a psychotic episode which resulted in a hospitalization 2 1/2 hours from home (the local-to-him hospitals are not great), we moved dad to rehab for 7 weeks while mom put their home in MD up for sale and we set them up in an apartment near me in PA. With him tucked away, mom and I were able to get a Realtor hired and decide what she wanted moved to the apartment, what was going into storage and what would be donated. We did not inform him or ask his opinion on this initially. We explained the apartments as a place to stay while seeing his new doctors. Other families have used a therapeutic lie (aka fiblet) to get the PWD out of the house-- termites, radon, a broken water main so they understand the need to be elsewhere. It's generally best to present the move as temporary and let them settle in.

Unfortunately, mom felt guilty and insisted on sharing that she'd listed the house which resulted in him becoming aggressive. It got to a point where I was having to go to the apartment several times a week to disrupt this cycle that was avoidable. We had to add additional medication to get dad to a place behaviorally where he could be with mom safely.

When dad became agitated about his stuff-- which was pretty much constantly given his spatial reasoning preventing him from understanding how physics works-- I showed him a picture of the storage unit on my phone which was enough to calm him down. Mom learned from her mistake of sharing about the sale. Later when we sold his favorite house in Florida (I handled the logistics of that so mom could stay with him), we explained that we rented it for the season and that it was bringing in money since he wasn't cleared by the doctor to travel yet. Over time as his disease progressed, he came to think he was in his Florida house which was great.

About 4 months into their lease, both were miserable, so mom and I found a cute place in a 55+ community a mile away and she bought it. After, she did take dad for a tour with my uncle to sell its praises so he was momentarily happy but forgot about it immediately. At the end of the day he thought he bought it which was great.

The move into the house was trickier. I didn't want dad exposed to the chaos of packing and moving or interfering as he was always trying to fit things into spaces where they wouldn't fit (he once insisted I could fit all 3 of their cars in the one-car garage if I wasn't an idiot), so we moved him to a nice hotel with mom for the weekend calling it a birthday treat for her. We hired professional movers and packers to move the stuff and my niece, son and I unpacked and set up the house so that it would be ready to live in. It was a lot of work, but the payoff was how easily dad settled in because mom was not distracted by having to deal with the moves.

In your shoes, I would go the hotel route with whatever fiblet gets him out. You could shut down the heating system or turn off the water and take him to the hotel while waiting for it to be fixed. Then you and whatever team you assemble work your butts off to pack, move, unpack and set the new apartment up. Some folks suggest trying to make it familiar. We did this the first time-- even painting walls the same colors as he'd chosen for their homes. It didn't seem to matter, so we didn't bother the second time.

Good luck.

HB