Guardianship

Lisa BS

Has anyone had experience with having to get guardianship over a parent because they were so resistant and refused help? It seems like such an ugly process. I am going to do everything I can to avoid going in that direction but I am afraid that my mom is so stubborn and she will make terrible mistakes on her own... TIA for any insight.

DCCEPEK

@Lisa BS do it b4 she does do something that can't be fixed. Welcome to our living hell. Many here experience the same early on and will chime in. We're late stage 6/7. The best source of information is right here so continue to read and educate yourself. I promise you want regret it. 36 hour day is a great book to learn from as well. Start with her well being and continue on with guardianship. Keep us posted

Dktp087

We're in the midst of trying to establish third-party guardianship for my mother. I echo the previous poster that you should do whatever you can before things get to the point where you have a complete nightmare for everyone involved. Stubborn and terrible mistakes does not begin the summarize the horrible experiences our family has been through since my mom started showing significant signs of a dementia diagnosis a little over a year ago. She was since diagnosed with vascular dementia, and stubborn turned into severe agnosia and bouts of paranoia and delusions that are worse than words can say. I was mom's POA twice and she rescinded both, fired her doctors, took all her money out of the bank, leveled countless false allegations against me and my sibling, friends, physicians, social workers, police offers, basically everyone who tried to help. My sibling and I were told time and time again by social workers and medical professionals that we needed to seek guardianship, and we're unfortunately at the point where we need to find a third-party to serve as her guardian because her delusions make it impossible for someone she knows to serve as her guardian. If you need to go the guardian route (either for yourself or for a third-party), find an elder law attorney you trust to walk you through all the options. We didn't know about third-party until we met with our attorney. We had a consult and unfortunately had to jump right into the process when mom threatened to harm herself several times over a few days, hid all her savings, and was taken to the hospital for a mental health evaluation. Our lawyer had to draft an emergency order, mom was immediately appointed a temporary guardian-ad-litem (GAL) and attorney by the court. Her GAL got her a placement in a memory care. Mom is fighting the guardianship, against the recommendations of the GAL and several doctors so it's been an expensive process for everyone with all the court/lawyer costs that have gone on for more than 6 months. We had everything in place for years before my mom developed dementia symptoms, just in case she ever needed help when she got older. I was the second name on my mom's bank accounts, was her POA just in case, etc and once her dementia symptoms took over, all the plans were destroyed. Definitely get things in order, know where bills and money are at, look at power of attorney, but don't hesitate to find out about guardianship because you never know when you may need to pursue that path.

terei

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68220/guardianship

Sometimes you just have to wait til there is a crisis…mental or physical. At THAT point, you cannot hesitate, but be prepared with a plan to swoop in and take over by having them taken to an ER and on to a geriatric psych ward or rehab + then onto AL or MC. HAVE A PLAN in place.

Gaining guardianship is a long + costly procedure, but can be done.

You are not giving info on any behaviors + issues so it is hard to speculate or give advice. I would say that there will probably be a crisis before you can accomplish guardianship. Disabling a car or diverting mail that she should not get are usually

If you cant get her to the Dr, sometimes it works to tell them that Medicare will cancel if she does not go in for a check up. Do not hesitate to tell her anything that will accomplish what is effective. Trying to explain + reason with someone with dementia is a losing proposition. Say what you have to say to get the job done.

Anonymousjpl123

No I was lucky we got POA but just in the nick of time. It turned out to be invaluable and helped prevent need for guardianship. There are some things you cannot do with POA (like force non-emergency medical procedures) but most things you can do.

Im assuming she is incapable of talking about Power of Attorney? I told my mom it was so I could help pay the bills, and part of updating all of our vital documents.

Has she refused? If she has you can get guardianship, and it may be less painful than you think depending on her frame of mind.

sandra2671

Yes, I have guardianship over my mother. I have had quite a long, brutally draining, and exhausting battle with my mom’s situation in every way legally and emotionally. My mom is completely resistant to any help and one hundred percent believes that she does not have dementia. I am happy to answer any questions.

Lisa BS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198963#Comment_198963

I have a Durable Power of Atty for my mom but there are things with it that I just cannot do. She is in a moderate stage of Alzheimer's, thinks there is nothing wrong with her and refuses help with finances, bill paying, going to doctors, etc. I am an only child who lives out of state and am trying to do "work-arounds" to avoid guardianship (bc I think that will start WWIII) but it sure is difficult. I am on two of her bank accounts but not her savings and her other checking account. I can get her statements from the bank, but can't get on the accounts without her approval and she thinks that her finances are none of my business. I'm just starting to see some really erratic behavior and am worried that she is going to make mistakes that will be really detrimental. In addition, she has a terrible aphasia so when she DOES call to ask me questions, I am not sure what she is asking bc I don't understand her. This whole situation is terrifying. I can't sleep at night bc I can't figure out the "right" thing to do.

Lisa BS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198826#Comment_198826

I have a Durable Power of Atty for my mom but there are things with it that I just cannot do. She is in a moderate stage of Alzheimer's, thinks there is nothing wrong with her and refuses help with finances, bill paying, going to doctors, etc. I am an only child who lives out of state and am trying to do "work-arounds" to avoid guardianship (bc I think that will start WWIII) but it sure is difficult. I am on two of her bank accounts but not her savings and her other checking account. I can get her statements from the bank, but can't get on the accounts without her approval and she thinks that her finances are none of my business. I'm just starting to see some really erratic behavior and am worried that she is going to make mistakes that will be really detrimental. In addition, she has a terrible aphasia so when she DOES call to ask me questions, I am not sure what she is asking bc I don't understand her. This whole situation is terrifying. I can't sleep at night bc I can't figure out the "right" thing to do.

Lisa BS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/198825#Comment_198825

Thank you for this!

harshedbuzz

I know of 2 situations where guardianship was obtained.

My younger aunt obtained emergency and then permanent guardianship of her older sister. It was fairly straightforward because family and longtime PCP supported the move. Given the amount of aunt's assets, they did do a very deep dive on the guardian's finances and insisted aunt's CPA and attorney remained in place to handle things which was helpful initially but got to be a problem once aunt moved her sister to live nearer to her. The process was costly but came out of the PWD's assets.

It was less seamless for a friend who obtained joint guardianship of their dad who fought the process. Dad was a PhD scientist with a lot of cognitive reserve and they only went for guardianship after a couple crises. Dad got his own lawyer and fought in court while continuing to live in a converted carriage house on one son's property and still went to the grandkids' events and family dinners during this time. The judge ordered extensive cognitive testing and awarded guardianship based on the results.

HB

Quilting brings calm

My mom gave me POA willingly. My step-dad ( they’ve been married 59 years) refused. I explained to him that it could end very badly for him in the future because the state could end up being his guardian and I wouldn’t be able to make decisions in line with his wishes including what nursing home he would end up in. He didn’t care. I decided not to pursue guardianship at that time because he would object. He hadn’t been diagnosed then. I didn’t think stupidity and extreme stubbornness and paranoia would be enough to get guardianship if he objected. Plus- if he didn’t want my help, I wasn’t going to be his guardian and have to deal with the court.

I do have medical POA for him. He’s now on hospice ( signed himself in) so I think guardianship will be a moot endeavor. I’m also the executor in his will.Both the medical POA and the will were written a long time ago - before his paranoia kicked in.

sandra2671

I am my mom’s guardian but I am not sure how the financial side of guardianship works. I obtained guardianship so that the county would not put her in a nursing home. At one point, to do the things I needed to do to manage my mom’s finances, I had to become her conservator. My mom lived in Minnesota and I lived in Ohio at the time. I received a call from Adult Protective Services where my mom lived that she was giving her money to scammers so if I did not manage her finances for her they were going to get the rights in court to do it. All of this, every single step,has been absolute hell and gut wrenching. Because of the stress of worrying about my mom I had to leave my job, ended up in the brain hospital for migraine headaches, and now have moved in with my mom to help her with everything. I have triplets who are 20 years old who fly here to see me on their breaks from college and I have a granddaughter in Ohio I only get to see through FaceTime. There are constant legal and paperwork things to do.

Lisa BS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199013#Comment_199013

I am sorry this has been so tough for you.

AnnaBanana

> @"Lisa BS" said:
> Has anyone had experience with having to get guardianship over a parent because they were so resistant and refused help? It seems like such an ugly process. I am going to do everything I can to avoid going in that direction but I am afraid that my mom is so stubborn and she will make terrible mistakes on her own... TIA for any insight.

Sorry you are going through this. My father has advanced ALZ and my stepmother has MPOA but I am thinking of challenging her for that. I need to make sure my father is taken care of.