Suggestions for preventing 83 year old father from marrying new girlfriend

trafalgarkris

My 83 year old father most likely has dementia. Symptoms:
No short-term memory.
Tells me he has showered but no sign of use of shower and terrible body odor.
Convinced neighbors are throwing rocks at the house in the middle of the night. (Multiple properties...keeps moving to get away from a neighbor only to find that surprise -- the next neighbor throws rocks at this house in the middle of the night too. Has also told me his old neighbor from five homes ago is following him around the state, throwing rocks at his house.)
Calls police on neighbors for throwing rocks at house, resulting in retirement community manager calling me last year and threatening adult protective services if I don't do something. (He has since moved out of this community.)
The list goes on.

My dad has been incredibly lonely. After the phone call from the community manager, I was all set to have him move in with me to get all the paperwork organized and get him a neuropsych eval when he "fell in love" with an 85 year old woman. They have been dating since September.

This woman is nice enough but she is definitely cognitively impaired. (Repeats herself constantly, forgets important appointments.)

So this is not a great combo. And now they want to get married. Soon!

Any ideas for stopping the wedding? I am concerned that once they get married, my hands will be tied in terms of getting him the help and support he needs. And I can't rely on her to help me.

BassetHoundAnn

Does your dad or his friend have enough executive functioning to go through the process of getting married?

Usually executive functioning, the ability to make plans and follow-through on the plans, vanishes in mid-stage dementia. People with dementia are no longer able to make social plans, or make plans about their living situation.

It sounds like your dad is beyond that stage and needs to be in an environment where he has daily supervision and care.

Do you have durable and medical powers of attorney? If you don't you need to get those ASP.

You should also get a statement of mental incapacity from his doctor. A primary care physician can evaluate and provide such a statement. That will activate the medical power of attorney. At least that's how it works in our state.

If it's any consolation, many elderly people with dementia insist they're going to marry someone. After I moved my mom to memory care she kept telling me she had plans to marry various gentlemen in memory care. I'm told it's common.

Quilting brings calm

Maybe you could arrange some sort of a religious ceremony or blessing without a marriage license? You could say that one or both of them could lose some financial benefit by getting legally married. Or could be responible for the other’s debts. Neither of those statements is a lie. I know people who had to give up widow’s pensions, health benefits, etc because they remarried.

effort

I'll echo the suggestions of getting an official medical diagnosis, as well as getting POA set up (if it isn't already). It can be a PITA to accomplish these, but it'll make your life easier in the long-run. It's also going to give you some legal standing to stop a potential marriage.

Also, if it were my parent, I'd try to speak to the family of your Dad's girlfriend & let them know your concerns. I imagine they'd have some concerns about the situation as well.

Finally, depending on their current capabilities, you could simply fake it. If you had a sham "ceremony" led by someone neither of them knows, and go through the motions of a wedding ceremony (without any of the legal aspects), would either of them know the difference?

Good luck, and sorry you're going through all of this.

M1

Welcome to the forum kris. I'd be beside myself. But: if he doesn't have enough executive function to change clothes or shower, he may well not be able to carry through a marriage. But you can't take that chance.

I agree with talking to her family. When you say "dating," I'm curious what you mean exactly? Do they actually go out (surely neither one is driving)? Do they live near each other?

Agree completely that you need to get power of attorney if you don't already have it (and i assume you don't because if you did you could prevent the marriage) or pursue guardianship. Certified elder law attorneys can be found listed by location at nelf.org. if things are as advanced as you're describing, there are likely other steps that may be necessary to insure his safety.

MN Chickadee

I'd be talking to an elder law attorney immediately and be prepared to get guardianship if POA is not already done. That process would require your dad to be evaluated for dementia as part of the court proceedings. But regardless of what transpires you need legal advice.

Can you get by with fiblets? You will help him plan the wedding as soon as things settle down at work, or after this or that holiday, etc? Do you know the girlfriend's family? Could you team up with them on using fibs to keep the peace but also keep them from getting married?

jfkoc

You really do not know the cause for your fathers dementia and it could be treatable.

Please have the process started with his PCP who will then refer him to a neurologist.

From what you have written it may be too late to get a Durable Power of Attorney but a certified elder care attorney can help you with that.

It does sound like neither he nor his girlfriend are safe living alone.

mommyandme (m&m)

I imagine neither one of the couple can make the plans. I also imagine your side of the family wouldn’t plan it nor carry it out. What if her side of the family sees dollar signs attached to your dad and they want to plan it and carry it out? I have no idea of any financial implications that actually apply to a situation like this, though. I’d get a meet and greet with her family as soon as possible. Hopefully they’re on the same page as you.

So sorry for all the struggles with this unforgiving disease.

ButterflyWings

@M&M that's exactly what I was thinking. Hopefully her family or friends are not opportunists who would encourage something like this (and maybe even help see it through). Best to talk with them asap and find out.

@jfkoc your reminder that some things that mimic dementia are treatable -- so important!

harshedbuzz

I would move to obtain temporary guardianship to prevent this.

HB