Handling unwarranted anger at others

annie51

My DH was upset because a truck/trailer working on a house a couple doors down was parked in front of our house. I explained that we don't own the street but, of course, that doesn't work. I was concerned that he was going to complain to them but so far he hasn't. How should I handle this if he does go and complain? Tips for this will be helpful in the future because something like this almost happened before.

gampiano

My husband did this constantly. He badgered workmen when they were parking in our driveway, yelled at our tenant for parking in his rented spot, the list is endless. I would explain to people that he has dementia , please just be kind and then walk away. Also, taking your DH out for a drive to escape the stuation is helpful as well.

M1

Hi Annie, i would have a low threshold for letting your neighbors know and/or putting a note on the truck windshield. It's a hard threshold to cross when you start having to run anticipatory interference for your loved one, but it happens to most of us. In every circumstance in which i had to do it (and there were a lot) people reacted with understanding and compassion. You have to get past any feeling that it's violating his privacy, but has to be done for safety's sake. You want any violence to happen because someone didn't realize the situation. I know there are some posters who have even had explanatory cards made up.

Chammer

I had a situation several years ago where my DD, who was about 11 at the time, and I went for a walk in our neighborhood. It is "rural-ish" with some distance between houses. DD was riding her bike so she was ahead of me and paused near and probably leaning on a monument style mailbox. We didn't know these neighbors and as I walked toward her I saw an elderly gentleman approach her from the house. He was talking to her and she was looking at me oddly. When I reached them, he was accusing her of stealing mail from his mailbox and demanded to know who she was and who I was. I thought at first he was joking so introduced her and myself pleasantly by name as neighbors but he wasnt and demanded some sort of ID. Said he was calling police to report us. I remained pleasant and, didnt have to as we were on the street, but showed him my drivers license and told him that if he wanted to contact the police he was certainly welcome to do that but that we would continue our walk home and meet any police officers at our house. His elderly wife had come out and watched from the porch but didn't say anything to either him or us. I don't know if he had dementia or not but im thinking probably so. It really upset my DD...as soon as we got a little away from the house she burst into tears. She and I were both respectful, pleasant, and kept it "light" and no law enforcement showed up at our house which I didn't expect and I wasn't worried about sharing anything if they had. It would have been nice if Mrs. Neighbor had come off the porch and provided some insight but she didn't.

A year later my in-laws moved next door and DD and I were the primary support/caregivers to FIL for MILw AD. DD was "the nice little girl from down the street" and she was good w that. Her comment was always "at least I'm the NICE little girl!" She is a kind and compassionate young lady.

justbreathe2

This is so like my DH. He would get mad and yell at me about the neighbor young kids driving their bikes in our drive one day. This was a couple years before he had memory issues. I had to go over to the neighbor and explained we worried about backing out of our garage. Our dog would go crazy barking… and always at dinner time. He gets mad if the young kids ride on our sidewalk. Yet when they ride in the road he blames the parents for not supervising. Always a no win situation. If I can, I close the blinds if I see the kids out so he does not notice.

It always something on our street. I tell my husband it’s none of our business if they are not on our property. He tells me “how are you going to feel if one of the kids gets hurt one day.”

My DH loves kids and this is not the way he would act before the changes in him.

The best thing is to try and distract him. I know what you’re going through. Very difficult to handle.

ButterflyWings

The members gave you some good feedback and ideas on how to do damage control with others and start heading some of these issues off at the pass so to speak. I do think if there are workers or neighbors he may accost, it is best to give them a heads up. Some people are not so nice and it could really escalate and maybe do some harm.

Here are some links I pulled for you, to help redirect once the anger shows up. Naomi Feil and Teepa Snow's validation and redirection techniques may help to diffuse a situation in real time if you can't prevent it by letting people know he has dementia and his bark is worse than his bite.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/anger-and-aggression-in-dementia-4134488

https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-aggression

Ed1937

Annie, I would be hesitant to let the construction workers know about his dementia. Unfortunately people in that line of work are more apt than most others to have workers with drug problems or other conflicts with the law. They could take advantage of that knowledge. Maybe you could contact the police department, and ask that they put a "no parking" sign in front of your house until they are gone. I would expect the police to be helpful in a situation like you have. Just my opinion.

harshedbuzz

@annie51

Looking at the bigger picture, does your DH get agitated easily routinely? Or is this a one-off quirk of his? If it's the former, you might want to talk to his doctor about medication. Sometimes, especially in men, depression and anxiety can present as agitation, irritation and anger. A low does SSRI might help him get to a place where this sort of thing isn't as much of a trigger.

Also, if he's likely to act on his anger, I might take steps to mitigate this. I absolutely would inform the neighbors and crew of his condition proactively. If DH was to slip out while you're busy in another room, it could end tragically. There have been PWD harmed by neighbors when the PWD confronted them. If he's constantly looking out the window at this, cover the window and do what you can to keep him in another room. Sometimes out of sight is out of mind. If you feel this might escalate and result in a confrontation, I would secure the home to keep him inside unless you are with him.

I don't know that police are going to put a sign up for you. In most communities, there's a process in order to get even a temporary sign and one has to have a legitimate reason like a parade or to allow a construction vehicle to use the space temporarily. And frankly, if you were to get a temporary parking restriction without an explanation to the neighbor, it will be seen as a petty move on your part. You may find yourself relying on their grace at some point.

HB

jfkoc

Off the top of my head I suggest agreeing with him that it is annoying and add that you hope the work at the neighbors will be over soon. Then I would try to divert even if it is just a cup of coffee,

annie51

So many insightful answers here...thank you all!

This is not a common occurrence with him (yet, anyway). And nothing happened...we went to the store for a while, came back and the truck was still there. He didn't say anything much - so, crisis averted for now!