I just wanted to have some freedom for a few hours and he was grieved

Denise1847

Yesterday, I proposed to my DH for us to visit a "senior center" so that we could meet other people and socialize. He was extremely resistant. I tried a different tactic and said then I would bring someone in to stay with his 4 hours a week while I spent some time with girlfriends. He didn't understand why he couldn't go with me to lunch with the girlfriends. He was shocked and hurt that I would want to go someone without him. The sadness and fear in his face was awful. He clearly gets very distressed at the thought of me not being with him. I felt so badly that I had caused him such pain. I guess I will not be able to go anywhere without him as I cannot be the cause of more distress in his life.

Since our dog died, he has been more depressed. I am seriously thinking about rescuing a dog. I showed him some pictures of adoptable dogs yesterday and his eyes lit up and he relaxed. I think he is grieving deeply, but not able to express it.

Has anyone gone through the resistance to bringing in a caregiver and had success? If so, any suggestions? I don't want to scare him again.

charley0419

We lost three 20 yr olds cats in less then year. It was devastating to her, went out week later got 2 kittens , it’s 10 months now , best thing I ever did.

fmb

It is very common for PWD to become clingy and fearful when not with their primary caregiver, but you cannot let this make you feel guilty. Your DH may not be able to handle the unfamiliarity of a senior center, but do find someone to stay with him so you can get a break. It is absolutely vital that you do not become consumed by your caregiving role. You NEED the contact with other people. Even a couple of hours a week with friends discussing anything except caregiving issues can go a long way toward recharging your batteries and will make you better able to care for him.

Belle

@Denise1847 I am at a similar point as you where I need to start working on getting someone to stay with DH so I can go out for longer than just a quick run to the grocery store near the house. I think the guilt is natural but I keep trying to tell myself what others have said here...it's the dementia that is doing that to him (making him sad/afraid/distressed when you aren't around) and it is not you needing to get out that is the cause of those emotions.

Sorry about the loss of your dog too. We lost DH's favorite dog a few months ago and I thought he would be very upset for a long time. He wasn't even though she was his constant companion for years. Not how I thought he would react at all.

ghphotog

He will be resistant to daycare and/or in home care but he could very well adjust to it but it will take time. You will naturally feel guilty because you don't want to hurt him in anyway. I think everyone one of us feels that way. I always felt guilty taking my DW to daycare. She was very very resistant but when we arrived the daycare staff were so great. They greeted her cheerfully every morning, ushered her in for coffee and told me to have a good day, meaning "leave now". They kept her occupied all day and even though she was always resistant she was all smiles when I picked her up.

Give him an yourself a chance.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199278#Comment_199278

Thank you. I know you are right. I can feel it in my mind. I just can't get that distressed look out of my head. I will try again at some point.

terei

First of all, he doesn’t need to know where you are going. Tell him you have a doctor appointment or some other necessary appointment while he is at the center or you have someone come in. If he doesn’t want someone to come to the house, tell them they need work + you are doing them a favor by coming in and helping YOU do a little housework, dusting, etc. + have the person putter around until they can become acquainted + your H looks forward to them coming in.

Chammer

Would it be an option to have someone who does pet therapy bring a dog to visit your DH while you go out for a few hrs? You would probably need a caregiver there for DH so the pet therapy animal and support person are able to work together in their role as "therapists." It might lessen the blow of you being out and give you a chance to really evaluate whether another pet is a good choice right now. And I agree that you don't need to provide an explanation other than "an appointment" and if he is engaged w the pet he might not even notice you are leaving.

harshedbuzz

@Denise1847

You made the rookie mistake of saying the truth aloud. BTDT, most of us probably have.

A damaged brain can't determine whether or how you take the respite critical for your emotional and physical which is crucial to maintaining a quality level of care for him. You not only should and deserve regular breaks to which you can look forward, his best interests are served by you taking those breaks.

Additionally, getting him used to accepting another companion/caregiver now will provide some peace of mind if something happens-- an illness, injury or being one of the 1/3 of caregivers who died first-- that keeps you from being able to be a hands-on caregiver.

The problem with being truthful is that it will be insulting to him as anosognosia will prevent him from appreciating the need for him to be supervised and he likely no longer has the executive function or empathy to understand the toll 24/7 care is taking on you.

You can introduce a day program as a volunteer opportunity for you both. HHAs can be brought in as a friend for a few social visits, as a cleaner, or as a nursing student internship. We took advantage of mom's TKR surgery to bring in a caregiver saying mom's doctor had ordered it.

It's probably best you don't share your plans. Anytime you leave, it could be to a place where he wouldn't want to come or where his presence would be inappropriate-- the beauty salon or gynecologist for instance.

HB

jsps139_

I feel your pain with this situation. My DH recently told me that I am not allowed to have any friends … “It’s either me or them” he said. I think it’s his way of saying how scared he is when I’m gone. He was never a possessive type husband, so I know it’s his Alz.

We lost our dog, Wally, and our cat, Henry, this last year. My DH’s brother and SIL sent a stuffed dog to him that they googled for Alzheimer patients. I thought he would think it was ridiculous, but to my surprise, he loves that stuffed animal. He pets it and talks to it and tells me how the dog puts his head up and down and looks at him and then he looks out the window (harmless hallucinations). He never picks it up, but will talk to it and walk over and pet it. First thing in the morning, he pets him and says good morning. It gives him much comfort, and I couldn’t be more shocked at his reaction to the cute little thing.

ImMaggieMae

We have a caregiver that spends 4 hours, 3 days a week so I can take care of shopping, doctor’s appts, etc. The first time she came over we treated her as a guest and sat around and talked and showed her where things were for almost the whole time. After that, I went upstairs when she arrived or went out to shop, often sitting for a few minutes to chat when she first arrived. She’s now been coming her for close to 2 years. He often lets her in the door or gives her a hug when she leaves. My DH is around late stage 6.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199332#Comment_199332

You are so right. Thank you so much for your feedback and ideas.

Denise1847

Thank you all so very much. I truly appreciate the wisdom and experience you share. The truth is that I have a easily guilted and have a strong empathy towards hurting, vulnerable people and animals. Sometimes I just hurt inside for them. I know I have to be strong and push through this challenge. I will work on overcoming this but it is so painful to see his face contorted in fear and sadness. I pray every night and morning for this to end for him.

PookieBlue

I’ve been taking my DH to Adult Day Care almost every Wednesday since August. It only for a few hours so I can attend a support group meeting. Early on I also planned on taking him there on a Friday so I could spend the afternoon with DD. I made the mistake that day before hand to tell him my plans and that they had lots of activities planned for that day. He had a major outburst and I ended up not going. For over 24 hours he thought I was an intruder and wanted to kick me out of his house. That was strange because most of the time he doesn’t recognize this house as his. It was a frightening experience for us. I still take him every Wednesday, but I don’t tell him where we are going until we pull into the parking. To get him in the car, I tell him we have some errands to run at Winco or Costco. This works every time even though each time I take him he wants to wait in the car, (No, too cold or too hot) or he tells me this is the last time he’s going to do this. He forgets it by the next trip. He always says everyone is so nice to him when I pick him up. Then we go shopping. He also asks if I am off work the rest of the day. I tell him I am always on call. (Caregiving) Been retired over five years.

Ed1937

You have some excellent replies above. I like the therapy dog suggestion. If you do decide to get another dog, do your homework on the breed. I wouldn't recommend a Great Dane, a German Shepherd, or other breed that needs a lot of exercise, and are high strung. A Golden Retriever might work out well. They are even tempered, love people, and don't require the time many other breeds need. I hope you find something that works.

upstateAnn

My husband was very adverse to a respite visitor. I told him I had to go to the gym to do the exercises my physical therapist recommended. He accepted this.

LaneyG

Denise I could have written your post. I do like the ideas Ive read. I’m getting nowhere fast in terms of getting time to myself. He comes with me everywhere…he patiently sits in waiting room when I go to doc. He follows me around when I got to store to shop for something, pushes the grocery cart. Etc etc. I had a case manager come to house for assessment. We got nowhere in terms of getting someone to hang out while I go somewhere. He very assertively states he didn’t need want anyone in house and he is fine on his own. Yet he usually refuses to stay on his own. As someone mentioned I shouldn’t have spoken the truth. Thing is I think he still has it together enough to know when I’m setting him up, scheming.

I have 2 follow-up questions. What stages have you LO been in when you got companion care to work? Second, I’m the main deterrent to getting a dog. I think of the time and commitment associated with having a dog. We’ve never had a dog. I’m not sure I can do it on top of caring for DH. How do you do it?

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199585#Comment_199585

Hi Laney, Yep, I have the same experience with shopping, grocery store behavior etc. I have yet to get him to accept a caregiver in the house. He is in late stage 5. If you have never had a dog, it is not a good idea. It takes alot of time and patience. It is stressful. Plus, you have to be careful of what your DH might do around the dog or to the dog, especially if you adopt a dog with a frightening background. It takes longer and stressful to deal with the fears of the dog. A puppy is just as stressful.