It happened again

M1

Well, for the second time yesterday my partner had two unexpected and unwanted visitors who came to see her at MC without checking with me first. And obviously, the "password" system the front desk told me they were putting in place had not been implemented. I walked in before lunch and...there they were. No particular harm done, but my partner clearly didn't know who they were.

They are friends of the unwanted visitor who had showed up last week on Valentine's Day, so this is clearly no accident. One of them yesterday is also a former neighbor of mine--who I would have sworn knew better than to do this. I called her last night and told her that although I appreciated her interest, I explained that we had both been sick, that there is still a lot of covid circulating (quite true, there have been one or two new cases every couple of days at our facility throughout February), and told her to please let me know ahead of time if they wanted to visit again. At least she had the grace to apologize.

But really, who does this? I don't think I am overreacting? I am not at all opposed to visitors per se (her great nephew is coming today for instance), but who shows up without checking with the responsible party? Brings out every protective instinct I have. Obviously I am going to talk to the front desk folks again.

Buggytoo

Arrggghhh! So tone deaf on the part of the visitors! And aggravating that the system at MC is so porous. Hope it improves for you and soon.

JeriLynn66

Unbelievable!

Caro_Lynne

They should definitely check with you first! How did they know where she was? Unbelieve.

trottingalong

I’m with you, if I was in that situation, I would react the same.

debriesea

It would not have occurred to me about checking with the spouse before visiting a person in MC, nor someone needing to check with me when I place my DH in MC.

Thank you for this insight.

PookieBlue

My sisters and I used to visit our older second cousins who were in a facility. It never occurred to get permission from their nephew. All our lives since we were kids we would visit The Farm People from Denmark who we were very close to. There were two brothers and two sisters who lived on the farm together and whom had never married. Sometime after the men passed away, the ladies were placed. We always continued to visit them. We called ahead to the facility and perhaps they sought permission for us, but we never gave it a second thought. Who would have known?

Mint

Before having to deal with my mom the way she is i would have never expected someone to get permission. Now though I would want them to, as she gets very worked up when certain things occur making it difficult for me. That being said I would not go see someone without finding out first if they felt like having a visitor.

The few facilities I have went to see people at never have anyone at front desk. Could that be part of the issue?

mommyandme (m&m)

I imagine that the two friends of the banned visitor knew of the restriction. I think that should have clued them in on talking with you prior to the visit as it’s obvious limits have been placed. But, they probably ignored it. They could have (should have) been turned away which would’ve prompted them to contact you.

Sorry for this unsettling turn of events.

Phoenix1966

Because she had made herself vulnerable to scammers, my grandmother had an approved visitor’s list at her MC. Because this was a dedicated MC with dementia training, the front desk was before the locked door to enter the facility proper, so the desk was always manned. No way to enter without them buzzing a visitor in. I have to admit the facility was very good about abiding by her visitor’s list while she was a resident.

So sorry to hear yours is not, @M1 . Definitely time to raise your concerns since she is a “vulnerable” individual and the facility is supposed to be keeping her safe.

harshedbuzz

I am sorry this happened given the steps you have taken to avoid this.

I wonder if this is more a function of their ignorance around dementia and its impact on those who have it-- so many people only consider dementia in terms of memory loss and not in terms of mood and behavior difficulties.

It could be the Valentine-visitor shared their impressions of your partner and the other two decided to see for themselves perhaps because they didn't believe it or wanted to get a visit in before your LO has progressed even more.

TBH, pre-dementia, I would not have thought to ask the partner or adult child if it was OK to visit someone in such a setting. When I did the paperwork around dad's admission, I didn't restrict visitation except to limit those who could take him out of the facility to mom, his brother (a passive-aggressive move on my part), my DH (in case things went sideways with mom and I needed to stay with her) and myself.

There was typically someone at the front desk and a sign-in log. I don't know that they check IDs at all. The passcode into the building is the street number which is on the building near the door and the passcode to the secure portion of the facility is hidden in a piece of art hung near the door so unless someone expects that, so a newbie would need to be buzzed in.

HB

Emily 123

Oh, absolutely M1. It's not like she's in AL/IL and has the judgement to say yes or no to suprise visitors--and for me that's the issue.

I wouldn't have wrapped it up as nicely as you did--I'd put it out there that visitors can lead to agitation after the visit, and so you would appreciate that friends discuss any plans to drop in. You don't even have to do that, if you have a reliable friend who can spread the word. But if you don't let them know, then you may continue to see these boors test the waters by randomly showing up and saying 'Oh, but M1 didn't let us know.'' Because people just don't understand the limitations of the PWD unless they've experienced it.

M1

The front desk is always manned, all visitors have to sign in (in fact have to show proof of covid vaccination). and can't get into the locked MC area without a pass. So that's not the issue. And let's be clear--I'm talking about people she hasn't seen or interacted with in at least five years, now all of a sudden showing up? It's not like these are family members or regular visitors (our friends who visit regularly can come whenever they want). It would never occur to me NOT to check with the spouse before going to see someone I hadn't seen in this long. Tone deaf is right and my instincts tell me I'm right to be protetive, at the very least.

I have no clue how they found out where she was...except that maybe someone at the facility where she was told them, which is a breach of confidentiality IMHO.

ButterflyWings

@M1 - You are right, this is shady. And so disrespectful of you as well as her. I know I am a squeaky wheel here lately about discrimination against PWD caregivers - with rampant dismissive attitudes and overstepping, even by medical and legal professionals who should know better. This is a perfect example. And random people, "estranged" acquaintances at best, have absolutely no right to overstep in this way. Even if just out of curiosity -- how dare they. And, your spidey-sense is surely not off. It could be more shady, as in getting some access or information for purposes of exploitation at some level.

I am told a "friend" visited my DH (hadn't seen him in 4-5 years or more, as you said -- this was at home while I was away but an in-law was with him at the time (very rare occurrence) -- and I later was told how wonderful it was that at least my DH "could still sign his name". WHAT?! Why?!

And I have yet to discover which of them had him sign something, and what it was. DH wasn't reliable to report back so it could have been an insurance policy, or literally anything.

There is no reason for someone to visit without giving you a heads up first. And accepting a "no, or not right now" if that is your response. The MC? Lax and not protecting her rights at the very least. She can't consent to visitors through no fault of her own, even if she says "yes", or "OK", or in the case of my DH, his silence can be overstepped as consent. Shady.

I'd be pissed. The MC needs to raise the bar on their processes. That is really dangerous, as well as a slap in the face to you if you feel like I would about this.

Marta

There is another reason to ask permission: to be forewarned about the loved one’s condition. My husband’s best friend visited him when he was about stage 6. This friend completely broke down when seeing my husband in this condition, and had to be consoled by the staff. He had not seen my husband for some time (obvious).

fmb

Forget the front desk folks, I would be in the Director's office raising hell first thing Monday morning if that had happened to my loved one in MC, especially since this happened after you were told a policy was being put in place to prevent incidents like this. At the facility where my DH resides in AL, everyone must sign in, and visitors to MC must be escorted in to that section of the building through coded locked doors, with only staff having the code. In your case, there should be a list of specific acceptable visitors with no one else admitted to see her.

White Crane

M, I am so sorry this happened. I can’t say what their motives were but all of our friends have been calling and who want to visit have asked if it’s OK and when would be a good time. People in memory care are very vulnerable to agitation and upset. I hope the front desk conforms to your wishes from now on.

housefinch

Agree with @ButterflyWings and @fmb I only have so much patience with these people, particularly having heard the struggles you and your partner have faced. The MC facility should know what residents could be potentially impacted (with resulting maladaptive behaviors) and have a pre approved visitors list for those patients.

M1

I hadn't even thought about someone trying to take her out of the building--God forbid. I've only done it twice in the year she's been there. I will add that to the list of issues to discuss and to be SURE is restricted. And definitely, they will hear from me.

She was in fact agitated with the night nurse after the first unwanted incident--I got a call from the director of nursing that night. So I have more than enough ammunition to raise the stakes here. Should not have happened. Again I think the first was clearly triggered by Valentine's Day---and her birthday is coming up week after next. I have already warned them against acknowledging it (it's made her cry every time it comes up) and will do so again. I don't know if that has something to do with this sudden uptick? I'm pretty sure the first unwanted visitor talked to the second set. But I just can't get over the presumption involved. And I think BW is exactly right---it completely ignores me, I guess I'm just chopped liver here in their minds.

housefinch

Not sure this adds anything. I have a child I will have to place in a supported living situation when we are too old to care for her someday. If this happened in our situation, I would have to de-escalate myself first before visiting the administration at the home. And I’m a pretty calm person who has to have a poker face, etc, despite difficult circumstances (eg medical crises at work—am also an MD).

frankay

I'm with Butterflywings on this one. I would be very suspicious. If you know who they are, why not contact them and find out why they came to visit. I find that in my DH MC, there are not that many family visitors, so I can't imagine just out of the clear blue random visitors coming in.

Ed1937

@M1 I'm sorry you have to deal with this. In MC, nobody should be allowed to visit unless cleared by the original caregiver. What if you're in a position like @ButterflyWings where you are fighting legal battles with someone? Could the person who visited her husband have been one of those she is fighting? I could see where someone like that might have reason to have someone sign something. That in itself should be enough to keep others from visiting.

RickM

Ask them why they want to visit. Maybe it is they just want to say goodbye or resolve some issue in the past. I had a similar worry in the past when my we placed my father in MC. It turned out to be unsubstantiated. They just felt bad for my dad and wanted to do what they thought they could do.

Dunno

I'm curious about access to the room... Is there a door with a lock? Did they knock or just walk in? I'd be furious!