Dreadful fear and the "Dark Thoughts"

wigmaof9

My father died Jan 2nd (1 day before his 86th birthday). He had end stage Alzheimer's and a very aggressive form of cancer which was discovered just 2 weeks before his death. My Mom is seriously struggling with reality. She calls me at LEAST once a day and tells me people are trying to get into the house and that the "dark thoughts", really scare her. I have an appt to take her to a new GP, and I sent a letter to this new doctor, explaining my concerns. I'm hoping to get a real diagnosis of Dementia with a notation of incompetence, so that I can force her to move. (I am her POA) She has already been scammed out of money - over the phone and has lost her checkbook, her driver's license and social security card, while out of the house. She does not take her meds regularly, does not stay hydrated and is a fall risk. She needs care that I can't do myself. I live in another state and want her safe. Though she claims she would consider moving, the daunting task is getting rid of 60 years of "stuff"... without upsetting her. Any thoughts???

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi, I’m very sorry for the loss of your dad.

We (my brother and I) started long distance caregiving for my mom who was living alone in her home of 60 years. It lasted about two years. We got a service in daily, part time at first, 6 hours a day in two 3 hour split shifts. (3 hours was the minimum). They were helpful for getting meds and meals set up, dressing, bathing, errand running, companionship etc… Then we had to increase to full time, 2 four hour split shifts. We wanted mom to move but she wouldn’t. When it became necessary for 24/7 care, we got cameras in (so so helpful) and hired in a couple of people to live there with her. We were only able to manage that for six months. Fortunately mom decided she’d move with me to my state, since I’d take two of her cats and with the idea we’d find a new dr to help with her back pain.

My brother and I both went out for a week, packed up what was going to be moved. We decided to move a lot of her things to the new place as it was a three bedroom too. We hired the moving truck to come in after mom and I had left for the airport, with the cats, quite a scene. My brother stayed for a couple of days and got the rest of the house thrown out pretty much. We brought way too much, thought mom would notice more of her things, she did not. I ended up going through what was a complete three bedroom home again, ick. It was a home just behind my home so I could go back and forth easily enough, but I slept there throughout our journey. My husband is a saint.

Anyway, since mom agreed to go, she was aware of what was happening and was ok with it. She just sat around, didn’t help with the packing, which was great, and went along and trusted her two children it seemed. She wasn’t totally aware of what we were up to and was compliant enough. We had a caregiver with her while my bro and I hustled around like worker bees. My mom was also scammed and sent money to soooo many charities, most were just taking advantage. My brother took care of the financial stuff, had to change her checking account twice, he’s a saint too. My mom was moderate at this point, mid stage 5 probably. Some reasoning skills were there but not many.

If you have some help, hopefully, you can get her out of the home if the moving/packing is stressful for her. Maybe get on the plane and have someone else do the dirty work. Even going to a hotel can be a solution.

Im sorry you’re on this journey too. I hope you can get your mom safe and comfortable soon so you can also find some peace. Long distance caregiving is quite difficult IME.

wigmaof9

These last 9 months have been a blur!

I somehow managed to move Mom into assisted living in July, sold both vehicles and the house. I still keep up with my journal, though the entries are fewer and farther between. She really struggled those first few weeks but has settled in, nicely. She is now getting 3 square meals a day (NO more TV dinners, pot pies and frozen pizzas…) and the staff make sure she gets the correct medications at the proper times. She has really perked up and seems so much happier. And, even though she has lost her "freedom", it was necessary and now the "dark thoughts" seem to have waned.

My 2 car garage is packed with her stuff but I am sifting through it all, one box at a time. Our family has been such a blessing with packing and moving it all. I couldn't have done all of this on my own. Now I can visit her for fun stuff again and not be worried every minute of every day. My biggest fear was that she would fall and not be able to get immediate help. As it turned out, she DID fall two days ago, in her assisted living apartment and struck her head hard enough to require an ER visit. She wears an "emergency call pendant" and people were at her side in mere moments. THIS was the best outcome I could have hoped for! She's got quite the shiner, but she is alive and safe.

I am so thankful that I found the perfect facility and that they are so patient and kind. She says she has no regrets but misses her car. I am hoping that subsides as well, in time.

eaglemom

Thank you for the update on your mom, and you. Phew, I'm so glad she didn't break anything in her fall. Its' scare for everyone involved.

Sounds like you did indeed find the perfect facility for her to thrive, what an excellent job.

eagle