a move to MC and the end

Howaboutnow

My DH went to MC recently and the emptiness set in. Such an uncomfortable feeling to not have him home. I looked forward to going to see him everyday. I think he did know me,,,i would sit with him (barely mobile anymore) and I’d “visit” with little response, but it felt good to hold his hand, tell him i Loved him, get a smile or a kiss back.

I’m still in disbelief at how fast things declined, but DH started transitioning (as his body began to shut down) and then to active dying soon after going to MC. I was thankfully able to sleep over and stay in his room (even with our dog) for his last days. I was so scared he’d pass while i wasn’t there. I asked him, while all but unconscious, to please not leave without me. DH passed before sunrise Feb 15 as his breathing moved from strained to calm, with me and our dog in his room.

I don’t know what to do, just feel aimless.

I am thankful i was able to keep him home to what became just weeks before his passing. I didn’t want DH to have to go to MC-but there were too many things i couldn’t do anymore for him and i was scared about how bad it was getting, scared about missing something critical. Hospice was helpful but realistically, they are only present a few hours a week. It was the right decision to go to MC. But my goodness, the pain of that step was strong. Yet the pain of his passing is even worse.

While this disease seemed to never-end for so long, how is it that the end felt too soon? Felt sudden? This disease wasn’t something we could share. We couldn’t console each other as it progressed, because there was no ability to comprehend on his part, no ability to hold onto reality. So we (most of us here, i would guess) don’t get an opportunity to prepare together with our LO, to mutually acknowledge, to talk about the coming loss as others with a terminal illness might, to share our feelings…instead we watch as they are slowly taken from us, as if we are watching someone behind glass that we can’t reach. It’s excruciatingly cruel to both sides.

I do believe DH is healed. I have faith in time i will too. Right?

Thank you everyone for being here along the way, for being brave in sharing, and being the shoulder to lean on for each other when we need it desperately. I care about you all and wish you the strength to survive.

M1

So sorry to hear this. Yes, I agree with you that he is now healed, and that you will too in time. May it be sooner rather than later….

fmb

I am so sorry for your loss, but if there is any positive thing in this it is that he is now healed and whole. I pray that you find healing and peace as you continue in the final stage of this journey.

ghphotog

I am so very sorry but I am glad you and the family dog were with him. I know he felt comfort with you there.

Pat6177

Howaboutnow, thank you for letting us know. My condolences for your loss. And I agree, it is so sad that we don’t get to support or receive support from the most important person in our lives. Be kind to yourself during this transition.

WIGO23

You expressed yourself so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal loss. Please know that those of us on our own journey with this cruel disease hope that all your wonderful memories sustain you and help you heal. It is clear that everything you did came from a place of love.

Joydean

So sorry to read about your loss. I too believe he is in a wonderful place and his new body will never be in pain or confusion again. Be kind to yourself, let all your precious memories help heal your heart. You will be with him again someday. Prayers for strength and peace for you.

Jeff86

Heartfelt condolences on your DH’s passing. Even when you know it’s coming, it’s a shock. Somehow one always thinks there’s more time.

His suffering is over, and it is time for you to start to heal. Grief, too, is a journey. I am three months ahead of you in stage eight. I am working on remembering better, healthier pre-AD times, and commend that to you.

Wishing you peace in the difficult days ahead.

SSHarkey

I’m so sorry. And so grateful you were given that precious time together.

ImMaggieMae

I am so sorry for your loss. His suffering is over and you can begin to heal as well. It is good to hear that you were able to stay over with him in his room and even have your dog there. You did everything you could. Some things are just out of our hands.

Joe C.

My sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. May you find some peace in the days ahead.

JeriLynn66

I’m so sorry. May the peace of God hold you close.

Bill_2001

Howaboutnow,

Your story took my breath away. I always have felt so organized and prepared, caring for my wife in an orderly manner, year over year.

"While this disease seemed to never-end for so long, how is it that the end felt too soon?"

That line got to me. Eight years in feels so never-ending; I never stopped to think how sudden the end would feel.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Bill_2001

mrahope

So, so sorry to hear of the loss of your DH. I hope you find some peace for yourself as you adjust to his passing. Remember to be kind to yourself.

GiGi1963

What a beautiful post. Your words brought me to tears. He is at peace and I hope your grief will eventually pass. Your last weeks with DH are an inspiration for a peaceful transition. Take care and thanks for sharing.

Beachfan

Howaboutnow,

I am so sorry to learn of your loss. Your description of your journey resonates with me. 13 years, day by day; I thought DH would linger forever. Then a sudden decline, 4 days and he was gone. We know what’s coming, but it hits like a ton of bricks when it finally happens. At almost 1 year into stage 8, I know he is healed, he is whole and I am well on my way toward recovery. But still, and without warning, out of the blue there are times of actual pain- - I now know the meaning of heartache. Take care.

Howaboutnow

Thank you for the kind thoughts. Already, space from the “difficult-ness” of the disease has cleared room in my mind for memories of pre-dementia. Which makes me miss him even more,,,but that’s ok

I wanted to add, that succumbing to a move to MC (i say it like that because i did feel awful about the move as if it was a personal failure)…allowed me to be excited to see him, excited to clean him up even though it would either be a challenge or a complete failure (often), excited to sit in a chair next to him and actually be in the moment. It allowed me that shift because i wasn’t alone…i had backup 24/7. Before that move, every.single.day began mentally depleted, emotions raw and challenged as i stressed about everything that needed tending to but took so many runs-at to accomplish like, cooperation with cleaning him up, getting meds in, you all know the things….it’s a lot, and not so pretty…..on top of personality changes that could be hurtful and also, my own frustrations that came out shamefully. So MC was a blessing for us.

And for others that may have MC in their LO’s future,, know that MC wasn’t perfect in every way. I still had to push for his care, often doing things myself (and i would want to do that for him to the end of time anyway) But as one of DH PA’s recommended when i began looking….she said try to feel the soul of the facility (IK sounds kooky) rather than what it looks like or rather than a list of activities/services. She said don’t look at too many places, look at a few and then decide on one that is close to you.. For us, i went with a single-family home with just a few residents and a welcoming staff regarding my ease/length of visiting and my hands-on participation in his care. I also looked at a large facility, a hotel feel, elevators, wings, front-desk, pretty rooms,…i hated everything about it. Best to let your intuition and heart help your head make the decision of WHERE if MC is needed and possible.

Lastly, yes, the coming-to-the-end part sent me in a panic i was unprepared for…panic for more time, panic for his comfort, panic for “what-then”…and i recognize that pain is because of love. And I’m thankful for that. Throughout many years of dementia, “feeling” love wasn’t always my strongest emotion, but love certainly was always present and continued to grow 😊.

GiGi1963

You have brought tears to me again. Thank you for expressing so many emotions and sharing your learned wisdom about memory care. Bless you.

Ed1937

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be to lose your spouse. I wish you strength in the coming times.

Rocky2

I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for your loving devotion and selflessness as spouse and caregiver to your DH. I too appreciate you sharing your feelings with us fellow travelers on this journey. You express yourself beautifully and have touched my heart. May you find God's solace as you grieve and heal.

Tom

upstateAnn

My condolences….

Buggytoo

Dear Howaboutnow,

Your words are so touching and telling of the love your shared. May that love comfort you and sustain you going forward.

love, Buggytoo

toolbeltexpert

Howaboutnow I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what you mean. I had planned way out for my dw care and she took a sudden turn and 2 weeks later was gone. I felt like I had carried her memory of who she was all the time so as to not lose her, I had become the bearer of who she was because she couldn't, and was left with only memories of the pain of her journey!

My prayers continue for us all.

Stewart

ButterflyWings

Holding you in my heart. What a beautiful tribute to your love.

White Crane

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were able to be with him. Your beautifully written post brought me to tears. It seems like such a long journey but you reminded me that end can come suddenly. Please try to get some rest and let yourself heal. I pray for peace and good memories. You’re in my prayers.

Brenda

Windsock

Thank you. Beautifully said and so much wisdom and insight. 🙏

dayn2nite2

I am so sorry for your loss. I think that only people who care for those with this awful disease understand the relief that death provides by setting free our LO from a profoundly ill mind and body. Yes, we miss them, but we wouldn't wish them to be back in their disease to suffer a day more.

Caro_Lynne

Deepest condolences; may your DH RIP and praying for you.

midge333

I am sorry for your loss.