Feeling sucker punched yet again

HangingIn

A couple of days ago, after talking about the family he grew up with, my DH told me I was “like family” which gave me pause. And because I have a very hard time ignoring the off-the-wall stuff he says sometimes, I asked him if he recognizes me as his wife, to which he replied, “It’s complicated. I was married before.”

No. He wasn’t. There was no previous wife—we were married back when we were young in 1975 and have been married ever since. I’m the mother of his children. My heart broke. Again.

I know I’m supposed to just go with the flow, but I just can’t seem to manage it. How do you do it, those of you who have experienced this sort of thing? When I explained it to him, he understood (then) but I wonder if he does now, or if he thinks I’m some crazy old broad who lives in the house with him.

I hate this.

Cecil Jones

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I awake each morning wondering if my wife after 50 years (1973)will know who I am. You're right, I hate this! One day at a time...sorry I couldn't be more help.

sandwichone123

I never ask. So far my spouse knows who I am, but I don't know if he knows my name or that we're married. I know he gets other relationship labels wrong and I honestly don't want to hear it, so I don't ask.

SSHarkey

He is losing you, just as you are losing him. It hurts for sure. But it’s the disease, not him. He can’t control what he has no power over. As difficult as it is to you, can you imagine how strange it must be to him to have this woman he doesn’t know living with him? I hate this too. The slow loss of long life together. The loss of mutual memories, inside jokes, shared experiences. My memory partner.

TyroneSlothrop

HangingIn,

I know what you mean: it hurts especially the first time, and that pain fades with repetition, even if it continues. But I don’t think there’s some new, enduring understanding of who you are to him. My DW’s brain creates new personalities, which are ephemeral, fading in minutes, not capable of learning anything new.

hang in!

Tyrone

Jgirl57

This is very hard. When my HWD/Alz started losing details of our relationship I would gently remind him of dates, places we lived and worked and he would recall it briefly but the next day he would no longer remember . Now I just go along with whatever stories he tells. At a recent doctor appointment he told the nurse I was his girlfriend .

WIGO23

Maybe you could put together a small photo album for him. You could include labeled pictures giving names and relationships. You could even include pictures of where you live. Just present it as an “I love you” gift.

M1

Many of us have experienced this, and yes, it hurts a lot. I have found that pictures don't really help, unfortunately--she cannot identify who's who, and labels don't register either. So we just muddle along. She knows I'm someone she loves and wants to be with, and that's about it.

JeriLynn66

You are his memory now. Hold on tight. We’re here for you to lean on.

Joydean

My dh forgot our kids first, he always bragged on them before. He doesn’t always know who I am or what our relationship is. At first it hurts a lot, even though we know it can happen, but it does break your heart. Now he just knows I am the person he can and does depend on, the one that is always with him. He tells me often that he loves me! That is enough for me! I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, I know the pain you are feeling. Hang in there, you can do this!!

Ed1937

I think my wife always knew who I was, except possibly not understanding that I was her husband during a UTI. But I wonder if it might help when you enter a room where he is, and you said "Hello _____, here's your beautiful wife, ______." That might possibly help when the forgetting of relationships is beginning. Might be worth a try.

HangingIn

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I know this is the disease and not really him, but yes, it hurts. The other day I did say something like "Here I am, the gal of your dreams!" and he (and I) laughed. I'll figure out how to deal, I guess. What other choice do I have?

Rocky2

This is a hard one for me also. The closer the subject is to our heart, the more it hurts when there is a breakdown. I've come to know that is why this journey is referred to as the long goodbye. That said, I am reminded often that I am blessed to still share time together with my DW. Even as I watch the disease take its course. I am grateful for whatever time we have left. And because DW asked Jesus to be her Savior and Lord years ago, I know that some day she will be free of disease and be whole. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tom

jsps139_

It is heartbreaking the first time, but I agree as it goes on, it hurts less and less. My DH told his doctor that I was his secretary. He asks me every evening … when did you get here? Or …. how do you like it here now that you’ve been here a few days? Or … did my brother send you up here to take care of me? Or … I’m so glad you came back. I used to try to explain our life of 37 yrs together, but it embarrassed him. I just go with the flow or change the subject. And there are times he knows exactly who I am … so I enjoy those moments.

l7pla1w2

I started a similar thread, <https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68345/where-did-my-husband-go>. It is definitely painful and hard to deal with.