The whole cloak-and-dagger thing is getting to me: a vent

mrahope

I am so grateful to have this place to just get all of these worries out of my head while I'm among friends, so to speak.

At this point we have put my DH on the waitlist for a MC we have chosen. We have been told that we are second in line for a spot there. It had been a long, hard road for me to get to this point. He has refused two different caregivers, refused to go to any form of adult day care, and recently has been even giving me a hard time about having my DS come over a couple of evenings a week to sit with him so I could go to choir practice. In fact, now that's down to one night. I'm never sure if it's safe to leave him and only do it when I absolutely must and then for less than an hour at a time, usually when he's sleeping.

Am I the only one who has trouble "fibbing" to their PWD? I had to tell DH that the lady from the MC who came out to assess him last week was a friend from choir. Fortunately, he was completely accepting of this and seemed to actually enjoy her visit. In turn, she said he'd be a good fit for a particular unit in the MC. Now, I need to get a medical form filled out, but he's given me a hard time with going to the doctor lately. I have a "fib" at the ready, but had to tell the doctor the truth, and I'm worried the doc might inadvertently clue DH to the real reason for the visit.

Because DH has a history of rages where he'd thrown things and has recently said things like "I've lived long enough." (which comes across suicidal to me), I'm afraid of what he will do when he ends up finding out the truth. And how can we support a fib that requires us to move furniture to MC? Not to mention that it's a 45 minute drive from where we live... Frankly, I feel like maybe I'm overestimating this, but I just can't help being afraid of what may happen when all is revealed.

Thanks, as always, for being a safe space for me. And and all advice welcome.

Caro_Lynne

I can relate to your concerns and dilemma. I have no problem fibbing to my LO, maybe it's because in my case his questions make no sense so I just answer with whatever and he just accepts it. I also think it's to your benefit to be with him during the appointment to complete the form. Since he gives you a hard time when you go to doctor with him, do you think he will accept it if you tell him the doctor requested that you be there? Just a thought or maybe you've already tried that.

I'm sorry your DH is difficult, that's no way for you to live. Just breath, don't overthink and take one step at a time. xo

Denise1847

Does your DH's doctor have electronic records where you can communicate with the doctor? Ours does and I always give him a summary of what is going on with my DH so that when we go he is fully informed.

jsps139_

Could he spend the day at a family members (or friend’s) while you get the furniture moved and his room at the MC set up? Then go to dinner at the MC with him (I read on this forum that someone did that, and it sounded perfect) and show him his new room after dinner. He may be tired from the day and less likely to be upset - ready for a good nights sleep????

I’m praying you find a good solution and it goes easier than you are anticipating.

harshedbuzz

I think the fiblets are difficult for a lot of folks. I know my mom struggled mightily with them even in the face of disastrous results from trying to be truthful.

Can your son manage the move and set up for you? When we placed dad, I snuck his clothing out of the house a few days prior and then set up his room so mom didn't have to leave him. We used the MCF's furniture for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we went with a fiblet that this was a temporary rehab stay and recognizing his own furniture might have played out hands. And secondly, my mom doesn't have any furniture she was willing to place in a facility where it will be trashed by dad and staff. (my aunt insisted on furnishing her sister's suite in MC with her nicest things and deeply regrets it) Had the MCF not had furniture, I'd have gotten something from ReStore or Ikea. We bought nice new linens and hung some generic art of the walls to make it look like a motel room. Over time, we brought things from home to personalize the room a bit.

I would reach out to the doctor ahead of time. I didn't think to do this with dad and their shared PCP suggested an AL facility instead despite no one asking. I shot him a look that cut him off, but it did agitate dad until her forgot about it.

HB

Ed1937

If you don't have a way to communicate with the doctor electronically, write a note to give to the person at the sign in desk. You might have to tell your DH that you're going to the restroom. Ask that it be given to the doctor to read before the appointment. You can explain all of your concerns. The doctor should go a long with you with no problem. Many of us have used these notes, and they work!

M1

Mra the doc may be willing to fill out the paperwork for you without seeing him, if they've seen him recently. I would even offer to pay a fee out of pocket to get that done. Just saying, one less hassle.

Hope5757

I have tremendous problems with fibbing.

What I do is use noncommittal language such as “is that right?” “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “That’s not an easy situation”. But obviously that doesn’t work in situations where I’m trying to get MIL to do something.

Ed1937

@Hope5757 "I have tremendous problems with fibbing." You have a lot of company. But if you want to make your life easier, you just have to do it. Fibbing makes it easier on both of you, so in this disease it's not a bad thing. It is an act of empathy. Just do it for your LO.

mrahope

Thanks so much, everyone. I decided to message the doctor on the patient portal about the reason I need the form filled out, and requested a phone call prior to the appointment if he has to have one I'm thinking since he's been there less than a month ago, he may not.

And @Hope5757 , I often use noncommittal language with him. But he really pushes. Sometimes I'm down to saying "I wouldn't rule that out." Sigh. He thinks we can manage international travel, etc. as we once did. Not even a chance that's happening.

I know the move to MC will require a whole lot of planning. We are second on their list, though, so at least we have some time. I like the suggestion of having some generic/hotel like furniture delivered. Thanks, @harshedbuzz