Dad passed away overnight

Quilting brings calm

I got the call this morning. Dad passed away in his sleep. Hospice, the AL nurse and everyone was surprised because he has a good day yesterday. No services planned until Mom passes. Now we deal with her confused reactions to it all. She’s responding appropriately right now.

Marta

QBC: rather a shock, wasn’t it. Mom is stage 4, right? She likely has some awareness?

Sorry you are again experiencing a loss. Thinking of you.

Emily 123

Very sorry, QBC, you’ve been steadfast through it all.

Hope5757

I’m very sorry. It’s hard in every way.

mommyandme (m&m)

Wow, I’m surprised to read this update and very sorry you’re dealing with these hardships and pain. I’m glad he’s at peace and hopefully your caregiving burden may be lightened a little.

Iris L.

You gave him a good life in his latter years, QBC. Please accept my condolences.

Iris

SusanB-dil

So sorry, QBC. That had to be a shock to all of you. Peaceful, but after a good day.

M1

Wow you were right, less than a week. I’m so sorry, it’s been a lot of loss. Thinking of you and your mom

Jeanne C.

Sending you strength. So sorry for your family's loss.

harshedbuzz

Please accept my sympathies on the passing of dad. It's odd that even when you know exactly the trajectory you're on, how surreal it can feel with the inevitable happens.

I wish you and your family strength and peace as you go forward.

HB

BookBuffBex

Sending thoughts of peace and healing to you & your family as you navigate this difficult time.

Quilting brings calm

Thank you everyone. Yes it was a shock. He went out to lunch with our son February 3rd. On hospice February 15, and died today. It is so surprising how quick it can happen even when it’s an elderly ill person

@M1 - I know I thought maybe a week over the weekend. However between the comments from you and others on that post and the fact that he was doing much better yesterday, I would have said a couple more weeks.

@Marta Yes, Mom is likely in stage 4. She’s not confused about the fact that he died. But she was originally very confused about what hospice meant. It took her a couple days to understand. She’s been extremely anxious and easily agitated these last two weeks. Seemed to be handling things well this morning, but not sure how she will be once she’s in her AL apartment tonight.

We will talk to the funeral home Friday. Soonest their schedule and ours would allow( it’s a very small town funeral home). It’s going to be all the official stuff ahead that will confuse her. She’s listed as the first choice as his executor on their joint will, with me second. ( a joint will - wow). So I’ve got a legal hoop to go through to get the executorship to come to me( she will need to officially refuse it- which I’m sure she will). Just need to find out how I do that. His ‘estate’ isn’t going to be very big as most ‘everything’ was jointly owned except for that money he moved to his name a few years ago.

housefinch

I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength and comfort.

forbarbara

Thinking of you on this journey.

JeriLynn66

Prayers for you and your Mom. ❤️

ButterflyWings

QBC - thinking of you and sending strength and peaceful energy for you in the days ahead. You are a treasure. Peace to your dear mom.

fmb

Praying for you and your family as your journey continues.

GothicGremlin

Oh my gosh, @Quilting brings calm - I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Please accept my deepest sympathies.

Jgirl57

So sorry QBC, hugs to you and your family.

BassetHoundAnn

I'm so sorry, QBC. Your family is lucky to have you. Please accept my condolences.

Bebobra

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Quilting brings calm

Thank you all for the kind words. However - I don’t really feel like I’ve been doing a great job at this caregiving gig. It seems like the one job that 1) you didn’t apply for, 2) you don’t get paid for and 3) it’s like Hotel California, you can never leave it. And I’d really like to leave it and all the little frustrations that add up. I’m really not looking forward to dealing with all the things that has to be done to get everything switched over to her and settle ‘the estate’. Also moving her to a one bedroom AL apartment. I’m hoping his three offspring don’t make difficulties. There is not really much to fight over and the will is pretty clear. But she needs every penny that is left for her care.

Still trying to get done with our son’s estate too. Have to wait until taxes are done to close that estate.

TrumpetSwan

QBC - I am just one more who wanted to express condolences to you and your family. I am sure you were a comfort to him, and still are to your mom. Please also be gentle with yourself as I bet you are indeed doing a very good job.

MN Chickadee

What a time you have had recently. This must feel fast and yet a long road at the same time. My condolences. I'm sure you are full of mixed and conflicting emotions. I hope your mom does ok in the coming weeks.

Quilting brings calm

It’s been a few days: Mom seems to be doing ok at least when I’m there. She’s not calling me repeatedly at night either. She’s mainly concerned about switching AL apartments from a two bedroom to a one bedroom. The staff and I are trying to nudge her to concentrate on deciding on objects she doesn’t want to take rather than packing right now

I’ve been concentrating on throwing out garbage( how many empty Kleenex boxes or coffee cans does she need?).

Step-dad’s clothing is next. Going to give his estranged daughter a chance to look through that. Although she’s not as considerate / she’s trying to do an end run around the estate with the safe deposit box. Which she will be able to do since she’s on it with step-dad. That was opened during a 3 month period three years ago that they were on speaking terms. He hid his coins there. Basically a few silver dollars and a bunch of change that he thought was valuable, but isn’t unless something else is in there that I’m not aware of. She needs a death certificate - which she called and asked me for today ‘because she’d just like to have one’. She didn’t know I was getting into my car after leaving the bank being told about the joint account information, and the need for her to produce a death certificate.

As the executor, I’m going to have to take a $12,000 /$15,000 estate through probate because his estranged offspring will make things impossible to handle with a small estate affidavit. There’s only his checking account and the safe deposit box. Everything else in his name has mom’s name on it. Or is household items. And the will names her as the beneficiary

Heaven forbid his wife of 59 years be treated with respect.

fmb

QBC, I don't know which state your step-dad resided in, but there can be state laws regarding access to a safe deposit box after an owner's death. Here in PA the laws are very specific about what must be done and who can access the box.

Quilting brings calm

@fmb The banker here in Illinois was very explicit about the fact that his daughter can remove everything once she gets a copy of the death certificate. I just think it’s very disrespectful to my mom to not come clean about it. Also disrespectful for my step-sister not to consider the fact that my mom, his wife for 59 years, is 85, frail and in cognitive decline without much money. Mom needs every penny she can get. Even if the money that my step-dad moved from a joint account to one in his own name four years ago comes back to the estate, mom will run out of money to live in the AL in about two years. The twisted trail of his paranoia and deceit is too long to explain here( I typed it in once just now and deleted it).

In addition, as the executor of his estate, there may be documents in that safe deposit box that I need.

tigersmom

QBC, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Wishing you peace and comfort in the memories of happier times, and the strength to carry on with your mom.

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm i am so sorry for your loss. Also sorry that his family are making it so difficult with so little reason to. I hope your mom settles in smoothly: I’ll be thinking of you.