move from SNF to memory care

califsealion

My mom is 92 and about stage 6 with mixed dementia. She went to the hospital a couple weeks ago with a UTI and pneumonia. They admitted her for a few days and she is now in a SNF. I have been caring for her at home until this point, with caregivers coming in while I'm at work.

She has definitely lost strength since being in the hospital, but is getting stronger. I'm really leaning toward placing her in memory care, which is not an easy decision to make. I think she needs more care than I will be able to give at this point. She cries every day that she wants to come home. My brother will be visiting this weekend and very much wants her to come home. He is the golden child, but lives out of the area and I'm the one who is authorized to make the medical decisions. Seeing her cry will be really hard for him.

I think she would love memory care once she settles in. She loves activity and being around people. She has been attending a day program twice a week, which was her favorite part of the week.

Any ideas how to convince my brother that this really will be what is best for him? And how to phrase it to my mom that she will be living in a new place? I think I will tell her it will be like attending her day program all day every day, but am open to suggestions.

califsealion

Oh, and my other question, it really makes more sense to move her straight to memory care instead of home first, right? I feel like memory care will be inevitable, and it may be harder to move her home in between, does this seem accurate? I can't imagine she'd be home more than 3-4 months before it becomes too much for me again.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Yes, it makes perfect sense to move her straight to MC from the SNF. I wouldn't worry too much about explaining it to her, you can probably just tell her it's a different rehab. At stage 6, she may have very little sense of time.

Dealing with your brother is likely to be harder than dealing with your mother. His expectations may be unrealistic: why does he want her to come home? Is he stuck on remembering her as she used to be, as opposed to the current reality? I wish there were a way for you to talk to him privately such that he doesn't undermine your efforts when he talks to her.

MN Chickadee

I would move her straight form one facility to the other. Bringing her home would only add a layer of transition and confusion and delay the inevitable. I would tell her it's a different, nicer "rehab." You could bill it as temporary for everyone. Tell your brother you want to see how she does in MC and if she gets much stronger you may consider bringing her home but for now you can't give her the care she needs and this is the best for everyone. It would be crappy of him to be the one pressuring for her to go home when he doesn't have to do any of the work. Unsure of your relationship with him but hold the line and do what is best for you and mom.

CaliforniaGirl-1

If you are the boots on the ground/the front line so to speak, your brother should support you. You are the one who sees your mother every day and is providing care. When my sibling lived near my LO, we discussed things but he had a much clearer view of their situation and was the one providing care and even when we were not in complete agreement I supported him. It is a question of what is best for the LO and what the caregiver can do. Now that my LO is with me, he does the same.

It is easy to sit from miles away and have an idea how things you would like things to be. It is a whole different story when you are seeing what really is and living it.

There are lots of ways to care for someone and it is a mistake to ignore that the relationship has 2 people in it. It is easy to get in the habit of focusing on the PWD and ignoring the health and needs of the caregiver .

If it is any comfort my LO hated the hospital and the rehab, but is happy and comfortable in the MC.

Tell her she is continuing her rehab. The fewer transitions the better.

califsealion

I thought I'd come back and give an update.

My mom has been in skilled nursing for 3 weeks now. She's walking farther, but is so afraid of falling, it still takes 2 people to get her to her feet. Some of the CNAs are able to transfer her with 1 person, but not all of them. With how she is right now, I'd probably have to quit working and hire a 2nd person for 8-12 hours a day to help. I have made the decision to move her to memory care and am moving forward with the transfer.

My brother is completely against moving her to memory care. His wife feels I can take care of her better (which is not true at this point) and she says "places like that" are predatory and will take all her money and the house. He said even if I do place her in memory care, at "end of care", he wants me to bring her home so she can die at home.

My mom had a huge emotional reaction to his visit. She ended up yelling all day Sunday that she wanted to go home. They had to give her her trazodone early Sunday night to relax her and make her sleep. It was soul crushing. She's better now, but still asks to go home.

My mom and I took care of my dad when he was dying of ALS and he did die at home, but my brother wasn't there for that either, so he doesn't know how difficult it was, and there were 2 of us. I'm not sure if our relationship will recover from this. I'm frustrated that he doesn't understand how difficult this has all been on me.

M1

If he's so determined to have her home then he can do it. The presumption!!!!!

harshedbuzz

@califsealion said: My brother is completely against moving her to memory care. His wife feels I can take care of her better (which is not true at this point) and she says "places like that" are predatory and will take all her money and the house.

This speaks volumes. It sounds as if your brother and his wife are more interested in preserving an inheritance than using mom's assets to provide the higher level of care she needs now. Not only are they willing deny mom that level of safety, they've comfortable with whatever the cost is to your physical and emotional health.

Your relationship doesn't sound worth salvaging. I'm sorry.

HB

H1235

If your mom was that upset after his visit, I would wonder what their conversation was. I know my brother has at times talked with our mom without me and convinced her of his point of view. Telling me mom and I talked about this and we think….. like mom can make a rational decision. But I’m out voted because she needs to be included in decisions. Anyway could he have been working against you with your mom, making things worse. I think you made the right decision. I can’t even imagine how he could be upset with you. If he want her cared for at home he should do it. But I’m not sure that would be good for your mom. Dealing with siblings is very difficult! You are not alone.

MN Chickadee

Wow. That's pretty special. The caregiver who stands to give up financial, mental, and physical stability gets to decide and your decision sounds reasonable and necessary. It's calloused and rude for them to be saying these things. You are doing the work; they ought to be supporting you in any way they can including your decision making. It sounds like they are worried her care will suck up any inheritance, which unfortunately it does for many families but that's the way it is. Set your relationship with him aside for now. You can come back to it later when you are in a better place and decide how or if you want to have a relationship with him. For now focus on your limited number of days left with mom and cherish those days and keep your eye on the prize which is getting her the care she needs, maintaining yourself and your health as some semblance of ok in the process, and providing her a safe and peaceful passage to the other side. I'm sorry this is happening. Take care.

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you for your update! My opinion is your brother and his wife are ignorant to this disgusting journey and what it can do to caregivers. So glad your mom gave you the authority to oversee her care and finances. I might say “Yeh, Bro, I need to keep my job!”

I took care of my mom til the end… but we (my bro and I) always had placement as a plan B. He gave me two weeks before I’d lose my mind and placement would be necessary, yet it went on for 2.5 years. That being said, I didn’t have employment, I got a CNA license, had an extremely supportive husband and she lived in the house directly behind ours (after we moved her to my city) where I basically lived for the duration. I had respite care support most every day and she was an “easy” patient compared to many I’ve read about here.

The “perfect storm”, which we called it, sadly doesn’t happen for many on this journey. My mom set herself up financially and legally prior to getting sick which was a huge gift for my brother and I. With her savings and LTC insurance it was possible. My brother and I discussed if/when she needed placement that’s what her money was for. She worked so hard as a single parent of three, saved and lived frugally…that money was hers, for her. We wish she would have treated herself more while she was “living”. We were at peace if it all had to go to her care. Sounds like your brother and his wife aren’t at peace with the possibility of draining her funds.

Im very sorry for this situation you find yourself in. I think you’ve made the right decision for your mom and you, most importantly.

califsealion

I appreciate everyone's support! My mom is moving to memory care tomorrow. I'm just getting the last of the paperwork squared away. I'm hoping once she is settled I can relax a little and try and remember what it's like to have a social life without trying to find someone to watch my mom.

harshedbuzz

@califsealion

Here's wishing you a peaceful transition to MC for your mom and an easy adjustment to a different kind of caregiving as you make your way back into the world.

HB