Mom having symptoms

justask

My mom is 68 and has been having a difficult time. She's not diagnosed nor has she seen a doctor. But she misplaces things constantly, forgets things more, has trouble with sleep, anger and has had shifting behavior. My father has seen it as well. I'm worried and don't want to step on toes. I'm not sure what it is, and I'm not sure how to help. I don't think my dad will get involved unless something drastic happens. I have read it is better to treat early. Just feeling lost and a little scared.

M1

welcome to the forum. You are right to be concerned, as it is almost always family that pick up the symptoms first. It's also typical for spouses to want to not confront the issues--he may have tried, but most people with dementia also have anosognosia, which prevents them from perceiving their deficits. They think they are fine.

There are a number of treatable medical conditions that should be ruled out. One way to get her to a doctor is to tell her that it's now a Medicare requirement or she'll lose her insurance. You should give the doc a detailed list/description of your concerns ahead of time, either by calling or giving in it writing: even if you don't have HIPPA privileges to access her personal health information, you can convey your concerns, although they may not be able to discuss with you unless she gives you HIPPA access.

The other thing to do right now is to be sure their legal affairs are in order: do you or your dad hold durable power of attorney for her for heatlhcare and finances? You need to do this while she is still able to sign, and sometimes this can be done in the context of everyone in the family updating their papers. Certified elder law attorneys can be found by location at nelf.org. They can also help you think way down the line about how your parents might finance memory care if it is needed in the future: unless they can afford private pay, usually this means being sure they handle their assets correctly so that she can be qualified for Medicaid. It varies by state, and the attorney can also help with that.

You have come to a good place for advice and support.

justask

Wow, that's a lot of info. The thing is my parents are very controlling people. I know very little about what they do or their finances. I recently asked my father if they had a will in place. He said they didn't, that my mom had been putting it off. I told him I was concerned because I have no idea what they want. I do have a sibling but they live many miles away and I'm no longer in contact with them.

I try to ask, or help but I just get nowhere. My mother gets very angry, so very hard to approach. She still drives, and does all things on her own but some things don't get done or appointments are missed. I do worry about her driving at times.

She is also very worried about finances since she retired and uses this to not go to the doctor.

M1

very scary not to have a will but unfortunately pretty common. You might want to meet with an elder law attorney yourself to discuss your concerns regarding both parents; many will offer a free initial consultation. Then with his or her help you could bring in your mom and dad to a similar meeting; frankly it sounds like you should probably have POA for both of them in case something happens to your dad.