Ruba-dub-dub

ClarkEb

Had a thought the other day. How willing is my wife going to be to have - insert name ( ME, Her DAD, the guy that seems to be around all the time when her husband is gone, the guy who always takes her to school, brings her home late at night, takes her food shopping etc:) help her change clothes, help her clean up after an accident or wash-up or help with a shower — as this illness progresses. I am already ushered out of the room when she gets up in the morning or gets ready for bed, or at times during the day looked at with a little disdain, if i enter “her” bedroom/bathroom area with out being invited or asking first. I end to forget (still) that at times i am a visitor.

i still marvel at the no recognition aspects of this illness. I have been quite a few people, some for quite a while during the day. But, i think I’m going to have to draw the line at being her Mother [;o}.

thank you for listening.

Jeanne C.

It's tough. My husband doesn't always recognize me as his wife, but, so far at least, recognizes me as his person. I'm sometimes his big sister. Or teacher. Or nurse. It's hard when he talks about me to me as if I'm not right there (when will Jeannie get back?).

Diaper changes embarrass him. Showers stress him out. What I find helps (at least for now) is asking for permission - even when he doesn't quite recognize me. Can I help you get changed? Do you want me to get the shower warm? And when the answer is no, I redirect and try again. We can usually get there. Of course I'm far from perfect- when he wet the bed at 3:00 am this morning and refused to let me change him, I'm embarrassed to say I yelled at him. I let him sit in the wet diaper and sweats for the length of time it took to get some tylenol for my headache. When I came back in, with a better attitude, we got through it.

M1

ClarkEb, women may be particularly resistant to letting an "unfamiliar" male help them. You may want to see if she responds better to a home health aide brought in for this purpose. Home care is expensive ($35/hour in many places) but may be money well spent, if you have someone come in a couple of times a week to get her showered and in clean clothes. That's assuming that you don't want to consider memory care.

Or I see on your other thread that you have daughters. You may have to bring them in for hygiene care.

Ed1937

I had a hard enough time with that, and she knew I was her husband. When she went into MC the aides had no problem with helping her. I think it was a matter of "that's what they do".

sandwichone123

My spouse still knows who I am, but does not like the female aides at the facility helping him shower. They've decided to wait showering until the male medication aide is there to help him.

Bill_2001

Hi ClarkEb,

One aspect of dementia is that each phase passes. What our loved ones refuse today, they may welcome tomorrow.

Hang in there - I have found that the transient nature of each phase has sometimes had a positive effect on caregiving. You can also try waiting a short amount of time, sometimes as little as 15 minutes, to try something again. This has worked wonders for my wife at stage 6.

Bill_2001

ClarkEb

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200444#Comment_200444

Thank you. I have noticed how the phases pass. And at times am frustrated with my self for putting so, much energy into being upset by what ever is bothering her. Unfortunately the one that will not pass is the need to go home. We are always in the wrong house, be it mine, his, hers the parents, the grandparents, the hotel, the train, the boat or some clinic. I have to admit the urgency, frequency (on some days) and amount of items “packed” have changed. Fortunately most of the ADL tasks remain, however, some are starting to erode and are done less frequently.