Self care while caretaking - no guilt

Anonymousjpl123

It’s been 2.5 years of hell since my dad passed, my mom progressed and I became her caregiver, her move to AL, then MC, and she is finally safe with a plan of care. She has been in her MC for 4 months

For the past 3 days, I have been on vacation in a warm and beautiful place with my best friend and we’ll be here for 6 more days. We got super cheap flights. I have been getting updates on mom; I told her I was going before I left, but doubt she’ll remember. I am writing this poolside at night.

Do I feel guilty? Sure, some small part of me does. But I offered to take her on a vacation (knowing she doesn’t want to go anywhere), her MC staff have been prepared, and her best friend promised to call multiple times daily.

It’s 9 days but may have saved my life. I feel human and alive in a way that I haven’t for years. I cry and write in my journal and breathe.

She has Alzheimer’s, and this will be a marathon not a sprint. I jumped at the chance when I found cheap tickets and joined my friend. This is no joke. I was numb and out of my body and wound up so tight my nerves were frayed and it was affecting work, my health, relationships. This and I am not even a full time caregiver. For some of us, especially with formerly strained relationships with our LO, that’s how exhausting and emotional the journey is.

But I want to be present for her in these last years. She tells me many times that she loves me, and that she is grateful. She says she hates where she lives but after an overnight visit she’s ready to go back the next day - she loves being welcome in my home, but always initiates going back. She’s comfortable there.

I never thought my mother would get Alzheimer’s and I would be her caretaker - never. I really never thought she would outlive my dad. But here we are.

So please, if you can, find time - or times - to step away. It doesn’t have to be a long vacation. This is the first one I’ve taken in 3 years.

I’m just writing to say take time for yourself. And being a caregiver to a LO in MC is still caregiving. And all of you are true warriors.

Quilting brings calm

Good for you! And it is, indeed, good for you. We all need that time away and being in a warm climate sure helps. You are doing what you need to do to recharge for the next mile of the marathon

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm that is exactly how I am thinking about it. Truly. I want to be there - really be there - whatever happens and this will help make that possible. Thanks for always listening to my rambles ❤️.

Emily 123

Toes in the sand, drink in your hand? Sounds nice! Hope you and your friend have a lovely time!

Anonymousjpl123

Thank you @Emily 123 it is heaven

BassetHoundAnn

I'm so glad to hear that you're taking a long-deserved, long-needed, long-overdue vacation Anonymous. That's what you needed. That's the sort of thing we all need in order to repair our spirits and bodies in this long, hellish journey.

Several people told me that once I put my mom into memory care I would feel great relief. I would get my life back. It is true I have felt tremendous relief after the every-day-is-a-new-crisis days in AL, but there remain weekly problems to address. And the crushing sadness of watching my mom deteriorate every day before my eyes never leaves me. Being a caretaker is still a huge part of my life.

You should not feel guilty Anonymous. Yes, toes in the sand, drink in your hand, good friend at your side, that's how to live it. With you in spirit!

JeriLynn66

So glad you have this opportunity to rest, reflect and recharge. Enjoy ❤️

harshedbuzz

Thanks for the reminder.

Anonymousjpl123

@BassetHoundAnn thank you - and I feel exactly like you do. I it’s such a relief there are others in this same boat.

@JeriLynn66 @harshedbuzz we all need these reminders. It was so much more important than I had realized.

SusanB-dil

I am so happy for you! Yes, rejuvenate and relax! Cheap tickets, away on vacation - nice!

and here you are checking in on the forums... agreeing with @BassetHoundAnn Go get something to drink or go stick your toes in that sand!

Anonymousjpl123

@SusanB-dil It has been so much needed. Heaven to be honest. I am beyond grateful.

I did get one call from mom’s MC today. They had to take her phone because her paranoia has gotten really bad, apparently she kept trying to call the cops, and they wanted to be sure I knew in case I was trying to reach her. I wanted them to try her friend to see if that would calm her down, but they said they said they didn’t think she was in a place where anyone could get through. I asked my niece to check on her and she will.

To be honest I have a bit of a sad sad feeling today. This is the longest she has gone without seeing me and I’m scared she will take a nose dive and what I will come back to. But no matter what I will be there for her, want to be there for her. I just hope this didn’t cause another downward spiral.

I am going back to the pool. Just checking in. This forum is my anchor now. ❤️🏊‍♀️😢

SusanB-dil

I understand that.

And glad you got you-time.