Caring out of obligation. Love is gone.

kebertowski

I grew up thinking my mom and I were close. Sure we had our issues, and we got into major fights a few times a year, but I was always convinced it was my fault and she was a Saint to deal with me. It wasn't until around the time she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 8 yrs ago that it was brought to my attention my mom was a narcissist and I was her target. A lot of talking to people, a lot of soul searching and a lot of remembering things from the past through an adult pair of eyes instead of a child and I truly have no love lost for my mom. The problem is I have a sense of obligation as my mom has no one else to take care of her. Her siblings are older with their own issues and they should not have to be responsible for her when they have their own issues. My brother and I are close but he has never been one to go out of his way for anyone and once mom couldn't travel alone, he was fine rarely seeing her unless I brought her for her sake. She makes just enough social security to not qualify for any other assistance but SS alone is not enough for any kind of AL or MC. She lived with us for 6 years and then we were able to pay the excess for 2 years for her in a facility until my husband lost his job last fall. She moved back in with us last month and I can't stand her anymore. She is squarely in mid Alz where she can't live alone but still knows what she's doing, most of the time, but then can't remember it 5 min later. I yelled at her be cause I caught her sneaking around doing things she knew she wasn't supposed to be doing. I get the logic of her having 0 impulse control but emotionally I am struggling. We have interviewed Caregivers but can't afford the $27-$35/hr for one to command give us the break. I am just lost and looking for some advice. I know I should be in therapy but I can't afford it just yet and even if I could, I had to go back to work and am gone 7:30a-6p. No therapist is available outside those hours. I felt awful that I yelled at her and removed myself as I didn't know what else to do. My husband is currently gone Door Dashing trying to make money evenings when i am home as he is home with her during the day. He says its easier for him as he is a level removed since she isnt his mother and was never her target like I was. I am just lost. I daydream of the days when she will be permanently gone and then I feel like the worst person in the world for having those thoughts. I'm sorry for the tirade. I'm just really lost.

Bebobra

I don’t have any words of wisdom for you yet could not read your message and not leave a comment, to let you know I’m sending you hugs🩵

Quilting brings calm

It’s ok to admit your feelings. You are not the only one that doesn’t feel love anymore for their parent( with or without dementia). Quite honestly I don’t know how you do it 24/7, because I couldn’t.

I think it actually helps to admit your feelings to yourself and then to emotionally distance yourself from them. I did my best to make sure my parents needs were met in AL and that I treated them kindly and now that my step/dad is gone, I will continue to do so for mom. However, what I don’t do is require myself to have feelings of love. It helped that they aren’t really the people they were before they got dementia, but feel like some strangers who sort of physically resemble them. So I don’t feel guilty being emotionally detached. I feel odd, but not guilty.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Have you seen about getting her qualified for Medicaid? There may be Memory care units in your area that take Medicaid where you could place her. She should qualify easily if all she has is social security-a certified elder law attorney could help you do this, look by location at nelf.org.

mabelgirl

My heart aches for you as I believe I’m having difficulty holding on to my love/compassion for my mother as well. I think I was the last to realize my Mom is a narcissist between the siblings.

Public trusts can be used to help her qualify for Medicaid programs. In FL there is one called Aged trust. Maybe that can help you.

Prayers for strength and a lightening of the load.

eaglemom

Welcome to the message board. Let me first reassure you that it is healthy that you can admit your feeling about your mom. No one here will judge you. You are tired, stressed and on overload. I think you should look into Medicaid and see if your mom qualifies. That is an excellent first step. Don't look further down the road, take it one step at a time.

Take a deep breath - and check about Medicaid. That would certainly help you out. Let us know what you find out.

eagle