How to get acclimated to the decline
My DH has been in what I think is a pretty steep decline lately where he can't remember something literally right after we talk about it. So therefore each question is repeated a gazillion times. I always felt that I was adapting to his changes okay, but I find myself getting much more emotional and irritable than I have been in the past. Wondering if, in your experience, you get adjusted to the new reality as things get worse or just get better at hiding your emotions?
Comments
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Your response to the "loop" thinking is certainly my experience as well. At first when my DH started the repeated questioning I had to suppress my frustration and irritability, but after a year of it I found that I had developed an acceptance of it. If you visualize the questioning as a feature of his disease, I think it's easier to deal with. In the beginning I found myself going into the bedroom and punching the bed pillows!!
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I got used to it. I finally just accepted it was a side effect of the disease. I also learned a very unloaded phrase. When my DH asks why I did not tell him about something which, of course , I did. I simply say it must’ve have slipped your mind..
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This is an interesting question. When my wife first became unable to cook, that really took a toll on me. But as time went on, I became better at adapting to the new normal, and it was easier to handle the new battles we were fighting. For me, I think accepting the inevitable before it happened was key.
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Annie51,
I am having similar experiences with my DW, and it is harder (not to mention more lonely and depressing) than it was before this new very short term memory loss. When I bring my A Game, I answer again and change the subject, or I skip the answer and just start a new topic. I guess I feel some emotional reward when that strategy succeeds. I even prepare my mind for it. And yes I hide my emotions big time, saving them for my support network.
Yesterday DW called for me to help her— she was trying to put on a sweatshirt like pants, and had one rain boot-clad foot jammed deep into the sweatshirt sleeve. Funny?, but of course, no laughter at the moment, and even later, I felt more like crying at this new evidence of decline
We are heroes for our work.
Tyrone
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My DW has essentially no short term memory, and that has been the case for quite awhile now. I find that I develop pat answers to the questions that I can recite mindlessly. I also progressively shorten the answers to an absolute minimum. It is exasperating, and you learn to live with it, although there are occasions when I lose my cool.
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I'm so sorry, @annie51 , these are the things that just smack us in the face.
In the beginning I read everything I could get my hands on so that I could understand what was going on. I knew absolutely nothing about dementia before my sister was diagnosed.
The best thing I ever read was "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It really helped me to understand what was going on with Peggy so that I could better meet her where she was. Once I had a better handle on things, I got less frustrated.
Completely different situation with a spouse than a sibling, but the behaviors are similar ....
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In my case, it was a "compared to what" situation with the repeated questions. He's become angry and agitated on a few occasions and that was so frightening. I just give the same answers over and over and have come to count myself lucky that he isn't screaming at me. Sigh.
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I've seen others share this sentiment, and I can't agree more: each decline is like a gut punch.
My husband's decline has been fast - at least it seems that way to me. In summer of 2021 I started noticing issues around understanding and mood (though in hindsight it had been coming on for years). I never suspected dementia because he was 63 at the time. Fast forward to today: he's rarely capable of sentences, shuffles around all day, and is in diapers. Each little change along the way took a piece of my soul.
Be kind to yourself. And please see if you can find some sort of respite - a day program, a health aide, a friend to sit with him. Something to give yourself a break at least a few hours a week.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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